Goodbye 2008...Hello 2009

2008 has been a wonderful, challenging, happy, sad, joyful, exciting, trying, tearful, disappointing, fulfilling ( I could go on and on and list every emotion...I'm sure we've experienced it) year for Michael & me. We celebrated 5 years of marriage and the most amazing gift of all…our daughter, Maggie Joy, joined our family in July. Many of you have followed our adoption journey over the past 2 years and have prayed with us as we experienced great highs and lows along the way. We are so thankful for your love, prayers and friendship!

We went from being a couple to being parents of an 18 month old in the matter of minutes! It has been a whirlwind of emotions and risks. Emotions...they are difficult, wonderful, challenging, hard, sweet and full. Risk...something you have to be willing to take, to be able to live and love at all. Maggie ~ worth all the emotions...worth all of the risks!

We are still in the process of adopting Maggie. We covet your prayers as we continue to travel this journey God has put us on. We know that God is in control and His timing is perfect. It is evident to us as we look back and see how God put things into place. You see, we answered the call to adopt on January 26, 2007….the very same day Maggie Joy was born! Only God! Our next court date is next Tuesday, January 6th at 9:30am. This will be the pre-trial to the trial in March for termination of parental rights (TPR).

Michael & I are so thankful in how God continues to reveal Himself to us in new ways each day. We are thankful for our family who have walked with us on our journey, encouraging us, loving us and praying for us along the way. We are thankful for our friends ~ whose support, encouragement, prayers, late night conversations, crying sessions and laughing fits have carried us through the ups and downs of this year. We are thankful for our beautiful daughter, Maggie Joy, who has taught us more about love, acceptance and patience in 5 short months, than we’ve ever known before. Most of all, thankful to the Lord for all that He’s done this past year, and thank Him even now, for what He has planned for us in 2009!

May the Lord bless you and your family in the new year. Here's to family, friends, hopes, blessings and miracles! We are praying all these things for all of you, too!

Choose Joy

Here's how I define joy:

Joy: the unwavering trust that God knows what He’s doing and has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it… not despite what’s happening in my life but because of it. When everything earthly feels heavy He gives me an internal lightness that can’t be touched.

That's what it feels like and means to me. Take a minute today to think about what joy is for you and then take it one step further. Take a moment to leave yourself a note... on your nightstand, on your bathroom mirror, by your computer... leave yourself a reminder to stop, take a deep breath and consciously choose joy today.

Trust me, it's worth your time.

How would you define joy?

A little this...a little that...

I was trying to remember where I left off at my last post, as so much as happened between now and then. So I thought I'd just share a little of this and a little of that.

1. Maggie's CPS caseworker came by for a visit on Monday afternoon. He was not even aware of the visit that took place on Saturday (are you kidding me?!) and he apologized with how everything was handled. He documented everything that had been happening with Maggie and assured me that he would take care of this never happening again. He dropped off some Christmas presents for Maggie and went on his way.

2. Maggie continued to have nightmares and attachment issues through Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve night was the first night that she slept through the night without nightmares. We don't believe this was a coincidence. We have been praying for so long to be able to give Maggie a wonderful Christmas, as we were fairly certain she had not experienced this in the past. She went down at 9pm and didn't wake up until 9am Christmas morning. Thank you, Lord.

3. Michael & I embarked on our first, I'm sure of many, assembly projects Christmas Eve. It all started with 2 very long flat boxes.....that 5 hours later became this....

Thankfully this marathon was playing for 24 hours, since we didn't finish until 3:49am.
4. We had a wonderful 1st Christmas with Maggie. She was a bit overwhelmed at it all. We did not put the presents out until Christmas morning, since she would have no doubt, opened them all up before Christmas. She walked in to find this.
She loved everything...her kitchen, her books, Dora DVDs, clothes, toys, baby doll clothes and her Magna Doodle. She hasn't stopped playing with any of it.

The aftermath of Hurricane Maggie (aka Christmas Day presents)5. Later that afternoon, we joined the whole Crews clan for our family Christmas @ my brother and sister in law's house. There are 20 of us now(7 kiddos - 6 girls, 1 boy with 5 under the age of 6!)....can you tell from all the presents?
A great time was had by all! The kids always have so much being with all their cousins.

6) Momma has been busy trying to organize Maggie's play room. I sure am glad that I decided to transform our dining room into Maggie's play room a while back, otherwise, we'd be in trouble! I'll have to post before and after pics soon...I'm still working on it. Now, not so sure how long it will stay organized, but Maggie is good about putting things back in the right bucket/basket, etc. A girl after my own heart :)

7) I have watched more Dora the Explorer in the past few days than I have in the past 6 months.

8) I have been overly emotional this past week. I know alot of it has to do with all the events of last week, but I also think it's just part of being a Momma. Christmas took on a whole new meaning for me this year. This was our first Christmas morning as parents. We had a little girl sleeping in the other room....and we were going to be making such sweet memories with her. It was like experiencing Christmas for the first time. Every tradition took on a new meaning. It was just so neat to watch her experience opening up the presents and enjoying each new little toy with wild wonderment. She was so happy and playful and loving. Giving out tons of kisses and hugs. I sat back and found myself just staring at her, so curious as to what was going through her little mind. I loved watching her figure out the Magna Doodle and get so excited when she figured out she could erase what she drew. I loved seeing her push her baby in the stroller and the shopping cart, and trying to figure out which one to push next. I loved watching her play with her remote control puppy and getting so tickled with she barked and rolled over for her. I loved seeing Maggie read through her new books and want to play with her musical instruments (yes, we got her a tambourine and a recorder! crazy parents :) I watched as she explored her new kitchen, figuring out all the gadgets and amazed at how smart she already is (I'd like to think that we had a little to do with that :)

Most of all, I was thankful for the wonderful blessing that God has given to us in Maggie Joy. As we said on our Christmas card this year....

Last year's hope...this year's miracle!

A little break....Tag...I'm it!

My friend, Erica, tagged me tonight...and I relish in the idea of blogging about something frivilous :) Thanks, Erica!

8 TV Shows I Watch: (in the order they appear on my DVR)

1) Extreme Home Makeover: I always cry while watching. There are times that within the first minute, Michael will say ~ enough...can't do it. But I still watch. I'm amazed at what those guys can accomplish in just 7 days, but even more blessed by the generosity of our neighbors!

2) The Bachelor/ette: I can't wait to see what happens with Jason this season. I understand he's already engaged...I certainly hope he doesn't get duped like before with DeAnna. Poor Jesse.

3) Brothers & Sisters: Absolutely love love love this show!

4) Friday Night Lights: I'm soooo glad that we are DirecTV customers...not only do we get to see FNL but without commercials! Gotta love me some Eric Taylor and Riggins!

5) Private Practice: I've watched it from the beginning and it's growing on me. They have some interesting storylines, especially related to infertility.

6) Grey's Anatomy: Still llove the show, although they've had some "off" storylines. Where is McDreamy these days? I don't like that he's coming off as JUST Mer's boyfriend.

7) ER: I have NEVER missed an episode since it first aired 9/19/94...now that's what I call a dedicated fan. I'm sad to see it go off the air this year, but it's time. Looking forward to seeing Carter return...wish Doug Ross would too, but I think he's a little too busy these days to come back to the ER.

8) All My Children: Yes, I admit it. I watch AMC. I DVR it every day and I watch it every night. Even though he wouldn't want to say so, I've got Michael hooked on it too! :)

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1) Napolis: Seriously the best pizzeria in town.
2) Papasitos: Best chips & salsa hands down.
3) Mel's: Onion rings are to die for!
4) Schilleci's Cafe: best sandwiches around. I love their chicken salad and the club
5) Texan Wild Burgers: awesome burgers!
6) Cheesecake Factory: need I say more
7 & 8) can't think of any

8 Things that Happened to Me Today:
1) Got to work really early because there was no traffic (because everyone else is using their vacation, which I don't any left - boo hoo!)
2) Read through the Christmas letters that we've received so far (love going to the mailbox this time of year)
3) Looked through some pictures my friend, Cari, sent me of the snowstorm in Portland and her little boy and dog have a grand ol' time.
4) Braved going to HEB and getting some items for dinner tonight.
5) Helped Michael cook up his famous chicken tortilla soup.
6) Cleaned kitchen again
7) Picked up living room again
8) Said no, get down, don't touch, come here and love you more than I can count :)

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1) Maggie sleeping through the night without a nightmare
2) Wrapping all of Maggie's gifts tonight (I think I might've gone a little overboard this year...oh well :)
3) Putting together her kitchen tomorrow night with Michael (this feeling might change tomorrow at midnight :)
4) Our first Christmas with Maggie Joy :)
5) Being with the whole Crews family on Christmas Day. We're up to 20 of us now! Amazing Chaos!
6) A new year
7) Finalization of our adoption of Maggie
8) New birth certificate with Maggie Joy Thompson, daughter of Michael & Courtney Thompson

8 Things I Wish For:
1) a colder Christmas!
2)More couples/families to consider foster care adoptions. There are so many kiddos without families to love and care for them.
3) Positive pre-trial hearing on January 6th
4) Possible termination of birth mother's rights before March
5) Smaller waist
6) Take a photography class so I could get the most out of my awesome camera
7) Have some sort of business from home, so that I could be a full time Momma
8) For everyone to have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

Tag...you're it (whoever wants to and/or has time to) :)

It's been rough

Maggie appeared to be doing so much better this time around than after the last visit. She was able to take a bath as usual, whereas the last time, I had to get in the tub with her. She was able to go to sleep, albeit late, on her own, without having to fall asleep in my arms. So, when I put her down for sleep, my heart was more at rest because I hoped that maybe this time was different.

About 2am, Michael & I woke up the shrills of screaming. Oh no. Not again. So, I ran in there to comfort my baby and found her in the fetal position (this is how she slept for 2 weeks after the last visit). Poor baby was still asleep but having a nightmare. I gently shook her to get her out of it, she stopped screaming, reached up for me and I rocked her back to sleep. She woke up a few more times, we repeated the cycle and eventually she was up for the day @ 7:30. We had hoped to go to church, but it just wasn't going to happen.

This is where the day gets long and looks just like the last time. Maggie won't let go of me, she has a complete breakdown when I put her down (even for a minute). she won't go to Michael...only me. When I do put her down, she's very aggressive on herself, trying to inflict pain.

This went on all day and evening. She finally wore herself out at to fall asleep at 9pm. She didn't stir or make a peep all night...until 5am, when once again, we were awakened by the screams. There is nothing worse than waking up to the terrifying screams of your baby! This time, I just scooped her up and brought her in bed with us. She seemed much more relaxed but still clung on to me and wanting to hold Michael's hand. She slept for another 2 hours and now we're up again.

As of right now, she is laying down in the beanbag chair, covered in her favorite blankie, drinking her milk and watching her favorite show, Dora the Explorer...and I'm able to sit here and blog. So, I'm hopeful that today will be a better day. A better day for Maggie. It's not about me. Don't get me wrong ~ I am exhausted. I am frustrated. My heart is hurting for my baby...but that's what being a Momma is all about. You carry the world on you for your child. You do whatever it takes to protect them, care for them, love them. It's been rough...but God is still good.

Maggie's CPS caseworker is coming out this afternoon for his monthly visit. It was scheduled long before the visit was ever mentioned...so maybe this is a good timing after all.

The events of the day

I was on the other side of town this morning when I received a voicemail message at home stating that I was to bring Maggie for a visit with her birth mother in 3 hours. We knew that the visit was a possibility earlier in the week, but assumed that since we hadn't heard anything as of 10am this morning, that we were not going to have to deal with a visit...and we rejoiced. However...that was a little too soon, because we got the call @ 11am. Immediately I contacted Maggie's CASA worker to see if she was going to be at the visit. She didn't know anything about it. She immediately got on the phone and started making calls and I waited...why is this happening? Is CPS allowed to just give me 3 hours notice? Why are they pushing it? What about the best interest of the child? Everyone seems to have forgotten about that.

After many phone calls and deliberation, I was informed that I didn't have a choice. That I had to have Maggie at the visit at 2pm. They were not going to reschedule due to the fact that I wasn't home or in the area. They said that telling me last Wednesday that the visit might happen today, was enough warning and that I should've kept my day open and waiting for their call. (Sure. The last Saturday before Christmas. Ok). So the timing was my first issue.

My 2nd issue was that I was told that CPS would not be at the visit, but it would actually take place at a therapist's office, with the therapist supervising the visit. CPS would not be present, and neither would CASA. I was given an address and told to show up at 2pm. Issue with that? Security. Now, BM knows our name...now she can find out what car we drive, what our license plates are and/or better yet, follow us home. (This is something that CPS warned us about the last time ~ hence me dropping Maggie off in a back alley and handing her off to a CPS worker for the last visit). Guess they forgot about that. I brought up my concerns, and they said not to worry about it because BM would be there before me and can't leave until after me. Ok...what about her ride? What about police protection? Maggie's mother is a flight risk. Who's going to help if she tries to take Maggie? The therapist? Again, I was told it wasn't something for me to be concerned about. Ok. Sure.

I frantically call everyone that I know. I call my mom & dad at home...no answer. I call my mom's cell. no answer. my dad's cell. no answer. my best friend's house. no answer. her cell. no answer. and the list goes on...no one was answering their phone. Where is everyone? Oh yeah...it's the Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure they're just sitting at home, waiting for me to call them. I finally text my parents to basically tell them that I wasn't just calling to chat. Please call me.

My dad called and I said hi...and then broke down crying. Michael had to take the phone and tell him what was going on. Basically we needed to see if they could meet us in Conroe, switch cars so that I could drop Maggie off in a car that did not belong to us, so that we couldn't be traced. Dad said he'd call right back. Well, it was actually Mom. She said "what do you need us to do? Where do we need to be?" I told them that it wasn't for a couple of hours, so they could go back and enjoy the movie that I unfortunately interupted (I did apologize profusely but didn't feel as bad when they told me it was the most depressing movie they'd seen!).

In the meantime, our CASA worker dropped everything she was doing and drove to the therapist's office and was there before the BM even arrived, to ensure that she had an assessment of the situation. She was not allowed to take notes but she was able to observe the visitation. She has been a wonderful blessing to us!

We get on our way to the therapist office, hit tons of traffic, Maggie falls asleep. We're running late. I'm waiting on Mom & Dad to arrive at our meeting place. I see them coming. I jump out of the car. Take extra car seat out of back seat. Put in mom and dad's car. Wake Maggie up. Put her in the carseat really fast. Confused baby sitting next to me. Throw her bag in the car. Set out to find the therapist's office. We're 5 minutes late. Please don't be upset with us. It's been a rough day.

We find the office. Therapist is outside waiting. BM and CASA are inside. They cannot see us. We survey the area for cars, etc. Nothing looks suspicious. I take Maggie out of her car seat. She starts crying and grabbing. Doesn't want to let go. I hand her over to the therapist, trying to be happy and cheerful. She doesn't want me to leave. Cries for Momma. Arms stretched out...reaching. We wait until she goes inside. My dad said we needed to make sure that Maggie didn't think that we left her. (thanks, Dad!) Dad begins to back out and I start sobbing. There is nothing to say, but my mom's gentle pat on my knees is more than enough.

We go to Panera where I explain the events of the afternoon and how everything transpired.

It's been almost 2 hours. Time to head back. We drive around and again, check out the surroundings. We park on a side street. As we're waiting, we see a car that looks suspicious. Person looks even more suspicious. Gut tells me that this is BM's new husband. Tell Dad to park somewhere else. We drive around and wait to get the phone call. The suspicious car parks oddly and we avoid it. Receive phone call. Heart is racing. I want to get my daughter and run as fast as I can. Dad barely has car in park when my feet hit the concrete. At the door, I see the sweet face of my daughter...mouthing Momma...Momma...and banging on the door to get out. She comes running to me and buries her face in my chest. We say our goodbyes, get in the car and Dad speeds off. Maggie looks around and sees Nana, Dandy and Momma and she lets out a long deep soul filling sigh....it was if she could breathe...she could relax...she was safe. Dad drives out a different way and speeds off to where my car is. No long goodbyes. Just thanks...call you later...gotta go. And we were off. Once I was on the interstate, I relaxed a little and waited for CASA to call me to let me know what happened.

I was told that emotionally this visit was better on Maggie, in that she didn't have a complete meltdown when she encountered the BM, but she didn't want to have anything to do with her. BM didn't really do anything or say anything to her, without the coaching of the therapist. They let Maggie do her own thing and then tried to work within those areas. I was told that the BM kept saying "come to Mommy or where is Momma" and Maggie always went to the door or was looking around trying to find me. That made me feel good :) She knows who her momma is!

Our CASA worker said that Maggie's reactions today were a direct reflection of how very well she has adjusted and bonded to us, that she feels safe and secure in her new home and that she knows who her momma and daddy are. We are thankful.

So far tonight, Maggie has been quite clingy and a bit emotional but she did finally go down to bed, without too much fight. This was not the case last time. So, we are praying that she gets a peaceful night's rest and does not have any of the horrible nightmares she experienced last visit.

I have to be honest and say that I am absolutely spent...I have cried more today than I have in months. I have a horrible headache. My heart hurts for my baby. I don't know what is going to happen next. So, all we can do is trust in the Lord and in His continued faithfulness to protect us, provide for us, guide us and love us. He is our strength. He is our hope. He is our Father. So we lean on Him, trust in Him, and give Him all of our doubts and fears...for we know that He has already conquered the battle...we just have to push through the fight. If ever there was a time for us to walk the walk of the talk ... it is now.

Please pray for us as we continue to love Maggie and give her the best home that we can. Pray for Maggie as she encounters these visits and other disruptions, that her little heart will be protected. Pray that we won't live in fear but in knowing that victory is ours.

We love you all and appreciate your prayers and encouragement, friendship & love during this difficult times.

CPS visit today!

We just received a call that we are to bring Maggie up to visit with her birth mother at 2pm. Please pray with us. This has been a very difficult morning. Pray for protection over Maggie - for both emotional and physical. Pray for Momma & Daddy as we wait the 2 hours while the visit is taking place.

Maaaaa-ggeeeeee

We went to see Santa before the PPT meeting on Wednesday...and I have to say that I was quite pleased with how well Maggie did. You know honestly, I don't know who came up with the idea that kids would like to sit on the lap of a stranger, whose face you can hardly see. Anyhoo....she went right up to him, sat on his lap and allowed us to take a few pictures. (We got there right when they opened, no one in line...yippee!)

Later that evening, after the rough meeting, I decided to upload her Santa picture onto the computer to send out to all of you (since I know you can hardly wait to see pics of my cutie pie) :) Maggie loves to sit in our laps when we are on the computer. This night was no exception.

I brought the picture up and Maggie looked at the photo and said...Maaa-geeeee. I looked at Michael and Michael looked at me. We were in disbelief. Michael said - did she just say what I think she said? So I pointed to her in the photo and said, who is that? And she said Maaa-geeee. I burst into tears.

You see...this was the first time that Maggie had ever said her name. And on a day where we felt as if everyone else involved in our case failed to see that we were her parents, the Lord used this sweet little one to remind us that she was our daughter...and she does know her name. And more importantly, so does the Lord!

Privacy, emotions and more....

Well, aren't you some of my favorite people...to be stopping by and reading and walking with us on our journey to adopting Maggie. As you all know by now, I have had to make my blog private. I hope that you don't mind the extra step to log in, but it's really for Maggie's protection.

As I said in my last post, we had a PPT conference yesterday. The PPT conference included a moderator, CPS, attorneys for all parties involved (birth mother, birth father and Maggie), CASA (court appointed advocate for Maggie) and us. *Side bar....yes, there is an attorney assigned to the birth father. no, the birth father's identity is unknown. Great way to spend our hard earned money, don't you think? But that's another post!

I think we've shared in the past our need to be very careful about our identities and even cautious about where we go and what we do with Maggie, due to her birth mother's situation. We've been able to keep our identities hidden for almost 6 months. Typically in these meetings, we would be addressed as foster mom/foster dad. Our first and/or last names have never been uttered...until yesterday. Maggie's CPS caseworker addressed me a few times as Courtney. I couldn't believe it...but I was ok after a while thinking, well there are alot of Courtneys in the world, so there's no way for her to find out who I really am. Well, that is, until the caseworker switched and started calling Ms. Thompson! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! This sick feeling came over me and I just wanted to scream out ~ WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW BETTER! ~ but I couldn't say anything. I can't say anything. I was just devastated.

Again without going into too many details of the issues, the birth mother has basically kidnapped Maggie 2 other times from other states that had ongoing CPS cases open on her. She has threatened to stop at nothing to get her child back, no matter the cost. I know...it doesn't make sense, but that's part of her problem. Maggie is just a possession that she feels she needs to own. She does not love Maggie. She does not care about Maggie's well being. She doesn't ask about Maggie or how she is doing. She just wants to know when she can get Maggie back and that as soon as she gets Maggie, she will be "outta here and no one will find us this time".

With today's information highway right in front of our faces all day every day, you can find out just about anything you want on someone...so again, we were not at all happy with the fact that she now knows our names.

Visitation was also brought up. The first (and only) visit was in September and was horrible. Horrible for Maggie and just heartbreaking for us. It took her almost 3 weeks to recover from it. The judge agreed with CPS's recommendation that another visit shouldn't be granted until a play therapist could assess Maggie's well being. Only problem is that we have been unable to find a play therapist who will work with Maggie, due to the fact that she is not even 2 yet. The birth mother's attorney spoke up yesterday and stated that CPS was in violation of the law by not allowing the birth mother a visit. Unless there is a court order (which there is not) and/or a therapist stating that it's not in the best interest of the child (which we don't have) ~ the birth mom is entitled to a 2 hour visitation every month. So the attorney basically said we had 13 days to get in a 2 hour visit. Moderator agreed. CPS agreed.

Me ~ Absolutely speechless. Breathing heavy. Heart pounding. Face red. Eyes tearing up. What about Maggie? Who is fighting for my child? What about the fact that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks without nightmares or sleeping in our arms? What about the fact that she was absolutely terrorized by the 1 hour visit...and now you're saying she has to be there for 2 hours? And to do this 5 days before Christmas? I wanted to stand up and scream...No! You WILL NOT do this to my child. However, I can't say no. I don't have the choice to say no. I don't have the ability to protect my child from this woman and her 2 hour "right" to a visit. She gave up those rights when she neglected, abused and abandoned her child. And yet, the whole time yesterday, I felt that it was all about the birth mom....not about protecting the child and doing what was best for her.

This post has gone on much longer than I anticipated, but it's very therapeutic to write. Thanks for sticking with me. We covet your prayers as we await word of when the visitation will take place. We are still holding out hope that it will at least be after Christmas. We soooo want this Christmas to be the most special time for Maggie.

Just when I think I can't possibly love that sweet little girl anymore, the Lord opens my heart a little more and allows me to love her even more! Maggie is our daughter. She has been chosen for Michael & I. She is our JOY! She is our heart. She is our gift.

We will fight for you, Maggie Joy! We promise to keep you safe and healthy and happy. Momma & Daddy love you so much. You have brought so much love and life and joy into our hearts and into our home. We know that Jesus has you safely in the palm of His hands and that He knows each and every detail of your life. We trust that Jesus will keep you safe. Know that you are loved by so many.

PPT Conference

We have another PPT conference tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. This is where all parties involved in Maggie's case come together to discuss how everyone is doing/progressing, to confirm that everyone is still on the same page, and to hopefully exchange valuable information. The birth mother did not show up for the last meeting...not sure if she'll be there tomorrow or not ~ although, to be honest, I'd be surprised if she didn't show up. It's always a bit nerve-wracking to attend these meetings because there's always this fear that we'll be blindsided by something. Just another part of the emotional rollercoaster we call parenthood.

Maggie continues to thrive and flourish and grow. She continues to be a wonderful blessing to our entire family and we're so excited about our first Christmas together as a little family.

Thanks so much for your prayers and friendship. We'll be sure to keep you posted on how the conference goes.

"Ock...Momma...ock"

We finally have a good bedtime routine down these days! Maggie used to have to fall asleep in my arms or in my lap in our bed to fall asleep. About a month or so ago, we decided to try and put her to bed and let her fall asleep. She would eventually fall asleep...30 minutes or so later.

Tonight, however, was a different story. I gave Maggie her medicine, grabbed her "ba-ba", she gave Daddy a good night kiss, and off we went, hand in hand, to her room. She usually walks right to her crib and waits to be lifted up, gives me a kiss and lays down with her ba-ba. Not tonight. She walks into her room, takes a look at her Christmas tree with great admiration (she loves the lights) and she stands by the rocker in her room. (I've almost forgotten that it's even there...since she really hasn't had any interest in the rocking chair for months) I walk to the crib, not even realizing that she's not standing there and find her by the rocker. With the sweetest eyes, she looks up at me and says "ock...momma...ock". "Oh sweet pea, you want Momma to rock you?" "ock...momma...ock" So I scoop up my not-so-little one and I proceed to rock. She puts her ba-ba in her mouth and I begin to quietly hum. The next thing I hear is Maggie humming right along with me. She dropped her ba-ba, wrapped her hand around my finger and quickly fell asleep.

Can I tell you that I just sat there and cried? I was so overcome with emotion. I took this time with Maggie sleeping in my arms, to pray for her and over her. To ask the Lord to give me what I need to be the best momma for this sweet little girl. I was just so amazed to look down at this precious child of God, the child that God has chosen just for us, and to see how much she has grown and changed in the last 6 months and how much she has grown and changed me! I am not the same woman I was 6 months ago. I've seen my heart grow leaps and bounds beyond anything I thought imaginable, and I've seen some things in my heart that I so want to change. I want to be a better woman...a better wife...a better mother...a better friend. I want to be the best that I can be...for Maggie. She deserves so much. Before she came to us, she had so little. And in her little life, she has given so much.

It's so easy to get so busy that we don't stop and just look at the moment (especially around this time of year). I'm so glad that the Lord used my miracle baby to remind me that He is always with us and that He is waiting for us...when we're ready to be still....and just "ock".

Thanksgiving

Today was our first Thanksgiving as a little family. We had breakfast together and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Maggie couldn't take her eyes off of the tv and she was constantly saying "WoW! Wow!" We then watched the dog show that came on right afterwards. Puppies are her favorite things right now. Everything with legs is a puppy (and anything with feathers is a ducky). She eventually went down for her nap. I ran up to the gas station to grab a paper, just for the ads. Didn't really see much of anything that I just couldn't live without, and especially not to be in line for a 4am opening. Thanks but, no thanks...I appreciate my sleep too much these days!

I decided to try a new WW recipe for pumpkin pies and Maggie helped me every step of the way. There was a huge mess in the end, but we had lots of fun and the pies were yummy!

We then started pulling out all the Christmas decorations. Michael kept saying - this should be interesting. The Queen of Touching Everything rules the house right now. She has to investigate and touch and move and look at every single thing. Those who know me, know that I go all out at Christmas...and this year will be no exception. I am determined to make it work :) I even put a little tree in her room. She keeps walking around saying "lights, lights" She even kissed the snowman nightlight "night-night" tonight before heading off to bed. Such a sweetie.

We decided to put off putting up the big tree until after she went to bed. What a surprise she will find tomorrow morning when she wakes up. And I can't wait :)

As I sift through all my Christmas items and remember where I put things last year, there is just this overwhelming sense of joy that comes over me. Joy because Maggie Joy is here with us! The miracle that we were believing for last Christmas is a reality this year. We are celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with our daughter. My heart is so full.

As we celebrate this day, I am reminded to be thankful in ALL things and at ALL times...even when we don't want to be thankful or know how to be. Our Heavenly Father has blessed us with so much. I just pray that we don't take it for granted, and that we never forget what Christ has done for His children.

May the Lord bless you and your family during this holiday season. Here's to family, friends, hopes, blessings and miracles!

Confusion....

Trial is set for January 16th...
Trial is set for March 16th....
Trial is set for January 6th....

....um....ok...well, which date is it? Three different answers from 3 different agencies. It really is quite confusing and as well as I do with keeping it straight, the real issue is that no one talks to each other and therefore confusion sets in.

Last night, Maggie's new CPS caseworker stopped by for a short visit. I had not met him before, but he was present at Maggie's visitation with her birth mother. He was nice enough ~ very quiet, didn't say much. I felt like I had to do all the talking, which is not normally a problem, but you also want to be careful about what you say/don't say to the caseworkers. You don't want to ask the wrong questions or bring up things you're not supposed to know (note to self: remember to NOT say this or that). He was very hard to read, well, they all are. Thankfully Maggie was in a good mood and the visit didn't last long. I try my best to not read into things, but again, easier said than done.

As of right now, pre-trial is scheduled for some day in January (he didn't know the exact date) and that trial is scheduled for March 16th (oh ok...that's where that date fits in). He also said that there is another PPT conference the week before Christmas. My gut tells me that this will be a big push for Maggie's bio-mom to get a visit. The judge has said that no visits can take place without a play therapist present, and since Maggie doesn't turn 2 until the end of January, no one will see her before then. We're hopeful that the holidays don't change the judge's mind ~ which happens alot. It's soooo frustrating to see a system who says that their goal is to do what is best for the child, and yet children are put through visitations that are unhealthy, or worse yet, returned to biological parents who can barely take care of themselves, let alone another person.

Something is so terribly wrong with our system and it's processes. I have friends who are still waiting for adoptions to be finalized 18 months after the fact and worse yet, friends who have had children removed from the best environment for them. It doesn't make sense. The only thing I can cling to is that God is in control. Nothing is a surprise to Him. He has all of us right where we are supposed to be. This walk of faith, we call life, isn't easy...but if it were, then what would faith be?

So, even though there is alot of confusion with the system and our adoption process...one thing I am completely clear on is this....

Jesus KNOWS me....this I LOVE!

Court Update

The court hearing went really well yesterday. We had a visiting judge, which could have been a disaster, but it wasn't! Bio-mom has taken 2 parenting classes (since May) and did complete the psych evaluation, but the results aren't back yet. Judge said that no more visitations could take place, unless a play therapist was present during the visit. However, there aren't any play therapists who will see Maggie due to her age (have to be at least 2, and usually 3)...so it's a loophole. This was our biggest concern. We did not want any more visits, due to how Maggie responded to the last one. The judge was informed that Maggie is in the best place possible and that she is with the family that wants to adopt her. The judge was happy to hear that.

The next court date is set for 1/16/09 and this will be the trial for termination of rights. This will be 6 months to the day that Maggie has been in our home...and we KNOW that this is no coincidence, as the state requires that the child be in your home for 6 months before you can file for adoption. Isn't it neat to see how God works everything in His perfect timing? We were happy to hear that the next court date is the trial, as usually there is at least 1, if not 2, more hearings before this takes place. However, due to the severity of the case and Maggie's young age, they aren't going to prolong it any longer. Everyone is on board with termination, and the only person who thinks the bio-mom should get Maggie back is bio-mom.

We have been assigned a new case worker. He is apparently very young and a newbie...so that's probably a good thing, as he'll be really "excited" to be a part of making the system better, etc. We were told to not anticipate hearing much between now and the trial, as things are winding down and they have all the information they need.

Thanks for your prayers! God listened!

Verses I claim tonight

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory." Ephesians 3:20-21

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

"The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." Psalms 143:8

Court on Monday

We have another court date on Monday, the 10th, at 9:30am. We would appreciate your prayers as we continue on the road of adopting Maggie.

This hearing is basically to check in on if the biological mother is doing anything that the court has asked her to do (which to our understanding is a big NO!) and to make sure that no more visitations are granted. We have been informed that our case is being reassigned to another caseworker after the hearing. Not sure if this is good or not...guess we'll find out, but it's the nature of the system.

Again, we will not be present in the courtroom, due to safety and security issues involving the bio mom finding out who we are and where Maggie is.

God is in control and He already knows how the morning will go, but we do appreciate your prayers as we wait. We'll be sure to update you after we know something.

We are so thankful for all your prayers, encouragement and support along our journey. We are blessed!

Seven Prayers A Day

I read alot of blogs (don't we all?) and one of my favorite's is Angie Smith's. Her most recent post really encouraged me. The post is about how we can be praying specifically for our children.

One of the most important things I am priveleged to do as a mother is to pray for my child every day.

Here are the 7 prayers for 7 days that I'm joining in with Angie: (even though some of these might not apply to Maggie, due to her young age, I feel it's never too early to start!)

1. When they wake up: "Let the morning bring Maggie word of your unfailing love, for she has put her trust in You. Show her the way she should go, for to you she lifts up her soul." (Adapted from Psalm 143:8)

2. When they are getting dressed: "Therefore, as God's chosen child, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Lord, help her bear with others and forgive whatever grievances she has against others. Help her forgive as the Lord forgave her. And over all these virtues, help her put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Adapted from Colossians 3:12-14)

3. While they are eating: "Teach Maggie the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Teach her that she can do everything through him who gives her strength." (Adapted from Philippians 4:12-13)

4. When they go out of the house: "Maggie, do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Adapted from Romans 12:2)

5. While they are taking a bath: Lord, give Maggie clean hands and a pure heart, and let her not lift her soul to an idol or swear by what is false. Let her receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God her Savior. Let her be part of the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob. (Adapted from Psalm 24:4-6)

6. When they are going to bed: "The Lord Your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, be will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

7. While they are sleeping: "I pray that Maggie will do everything without complaining or arguing, so that she may become blameless and pure, a child of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which she shines like a star in the universe as she holds out the word of life-in order that she may boast on the day of Christ that she did not run or labor for nothing." (Adapted from Ephesians 2:14-16)

I know God is able to do incredible things in and through our children. May God bless each of us as we try to do our best in bringing them up in the ways of the Lord.

Lately....

I feel as if I never have enough time....

my house is a wreck, books and magazines are unread, bills aren't filed away, pictures aren't posted, beds aren't made, clothes are waiting to be put away, pantry is empty, flowers are wilting....

...but my girl is smiling and laughing, running and playing, hugging and kissing, giggling and jibber-jabbering....

and I couldn't be happier about not having enough time.

Email from my momma

I received an email from my momma a few weeks back when I was really fearful of our situation with Maggie's adoption. Satan was on the attack big time. I have kept this email as a reminder, and just revisited it again this morning when more fear set in. As I was encouraged yet again, I thought I would share it with you. Surely, there are those of you out there who could use the reminder, too! All I can say is thank you Lord, for our Mommas....what would we do without them?! I love you Mom!

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Sorry you’ve had such a rough week. I know full well where fear can and does lead; it’s our greatest enemy and Satan’s greatest tool. We can’t allow our minds “to go there.” This is such a testing time for everybody, from world conflict, economic collapse, you name it. We are being forced to walk by faith; we say we do, we say we believe that’s the only way to live, but we don’t always do it, really….none of us because usually we can manage to “do life” in our own strength.

All to say, I remember doing a word study in scripture on fear. Fear is written more than 400 times in the Bible, and with very few exceptions, it is always in the contact of “Fear NOT.” The only other times it was in the context of fearing God, as in being in awe of Him. We know we’re not to fear; God is trustworthy, He knows everything; HE isn’t surprised by anything, and He is still in control. So now we get to really live out what we know in our minds and trust in our hearts.

We can’t allow Satan to overwhelm us, defeat us and destroy us with his fear tactics. Yes, any number of horrible things can happen, BUT……God loves Maggie more than anyone can, knows what is best for her, has certainly protected her, has not brought her into your lives by chance, and He is able to accomplish everything He promises. I always love reading the Psalms because David is so gut honest. He rants, raves, asks God to destroy his enemies, crush them, rails about the injustices…….and after he finishes venting, he gets to the big BUT…..BUT GOD. In spite of all the horrible junk, God is at work. David remembers again that God is able and will work things out, even though it doesn’t look like it at all, and the timing never seems to look right to us. He tells us to rest, not to panic, trust….it goes against everything human in us. I’m praying and believing that God is working all this out, that Maggie will remain with you always, you will adopt her, God will protect all of you from any harm, and He is keenly aware of all the details.

One foot in front of the other; that’s all we can do. I’m so glad He doesn’t say we are to run by faith…..couldn’t do it. Walking…..one foot after the other……literally one step at a time….that is more doable. Sometimes it’s painful to even walk, but I’m praying that we can all keep moving.

I’m confident that all this will become a memory to look back on and say how wonderfully God worked in every detail. Just know that we are praying with and for you, trusting God to work, and believing that this will absolutely turn out for GOOD.

Love you!
Mom

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Surgery Scheduled

We finally received confirmation this morning that Maggie's surgery will take place Friday morning. The plan is to have her tonsils and adenoids removed, as well as tubes put in her ears. Normally, this is an outpatient surgical procedure and not a big deal, however, due to Maggie's age and her severe sleep apnea, we have been told to expect to be admitted for 3 -5 days. We are hopeful that this is just a precaution and won't be necessary. We know that we will have to stay at least 1 day.

Even though the procedure is necessary and I know will make her feel so much better, it's still hard to let go of your little one...but we know that God's hands will be directly the surgeons hands and that His presence will be known in that operating room.

Please pray that the surgery is without any complications, that the surgeons have steady hands and clear minds, that Maggie recovers well, and that Momma & Daddy remain composed and able to comfort our sweet little one.

Not that we had any doubts....

we passed our state licensing inspection this morning! Now, we're good for another 3 years...and unless we decide to foster-to-adopt again, we're good for good!

I'm just glad to have this done and to not worry about it anymore.

Inspector....where are you???

My house is completely in order. Paperwork filed and easily accessible. Frig and freezer completely filled with all things fresh. Trash discarded. Childproofing 101, done twice. Dog current on vaccinations. Work schedules re-arranged. Inspection was scheduled for 9am....it's now 11:34am.

....and no inspector. No call. No voicemail. No email. Nothing. Just nothing....unless you want to talk about frustration...now, that's not nothing!

Where we are....How are we?

Many of you have asked where we are at in our journey and how we are doing, so I thought I'd take this rare moment to blog. (Man those days of just blogging whenever I thought of something are LONG gone!.... but I'm not complaining!)

There really isn't much news as far as Maggie's adoption goes. If you've read our blog, you'll know that her birth mother was granted one visit back in September. Due to the reaction of both birth mother and Maggie, no further visits have been granted. We are thankful for this. Honestly, it was amazing to see how much damage was done in one short hour. Unbelievable and heartbreaking. All the work that Michael & I had been able to accomplish with Maggie over the 7 weeks (at that time) that she had been with us, had been erased. Just like that...and then some. It took us almost 10 days to get her back to her "old" self...for Maggie to find her security again. Her smile again. Her laughter again. Her peaceful sleeping again. She was absolutely undone after that visit and there was absolutely nothing that I could do, except hold her, rock her, love her and pray over her. I realize that isn't "nothing" but it's just so completely heartbreaking to not know what to do or how to fix it. I'm a "fixer" by nature and this time I just couldn't fix it. But thankfully we have a GOD who can fix all things...and He used this time to really deepen our bonds with each other and draw us closer together as a family.

2 weeks ago, there was a permanency conference in regards to Maggie's case. It's basically a time for all parties involved to come together and discuss Maggie and her case. Her birth mother did not show up. This was really bad for her...great for us! As far as we know, the birth mom has not been in contact with CPS since the visit, or completed any task that the judge required her to do over 3 months ago. Everyone is pushing for unrelated adoption to happen quickly, so we are praying that this is what will transpire at the next court hearing on November 10th.

In the meantime, we've been inundated with getting everything set up for Maggie's surgery on the 17th. Maggie has severe sleep apnea, especially for her size/age, so they are going to be removing her adenoids and tonsils, as well as putting tubes in her ears (since she's already had 3 ear infections since she's been with us). In most cases, kids go home the same day. However, due to the severity of her sleep apnea, they will be keeping her 3 - 5 days. She is a mouth breather and actually has no idea of what to even do with her nose (poor baby). She can't do anything with her nose. Because of this, they will need to re-train her to breathe properly. It's never easy to see your child have to endure a surgery or medical issue, but we're hoping that this will be the end to her issues, as well as the 5 medications that she takes on a daily basis. I know that she will feel better and sleep better, once this is taken care of.

As I mentioned in my last post, we have our inspection tomorrow morning by the state licensing department. I'm not too concerned about it because I know that we have a safe and healthy environment, but anytime that an official comes out to your house, you can't help but get a little unnerved. Our caseworker came out on Friday and she said that our house shouldn't have any issues...we certainly hope so. Apparently, we have been assigned one of the "sticklers" of the department. She's the one who always writes up the most people with issues...great! Every medication is double locked, every cleaner is locked up, all plugs have safety covers on them, all safety latches still lock on the cabinets, everything in the frig and freezer is fresh, all paperwork is filed away properly, new fire extinguisher is hung up, license is posted on the wall, escape route is available....so please, let's hope that covers it!!!!

Ahhhh...yes...so how are we? Thanks for asking! It's funny because once you have a little one, you're quickly forgotten about! That's not a slam on anyone...it's just the truth. I've been guilty of it so many times myself. We're always so enamored by the kiddos, we forget about Mommy and Daddy. So, for those of you who has asked......we are doing pretty good. You know, it's really been amazing to see God's handiwork throughout our journey and our lives. Our lives changed the moment Maggie walked into our home, and forever in our hearts. It hasn't always been easy, fun, smiles and triumphs...but it has always been blessed. We are just so grateful for this precious little one that the Lord has given us. It's hard to remember the hard times. They're there, believe me, but when I see that smiling face, or hear "MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" when I walk in the door, or feel that hug around my neck, or sweet kisses on my cheek...I am completely overwhelmed with how blessed I am and how much God loves me! It's only because of the Lord that we have Maggie.

We are better. We are complete. We are blessed. We are loved.

Whatever happened to time?

I used to have time...time to do "this", time to do "that"...but not anymore! Not only because we have a 20 month old but because we have a 20 month old through the foster care system. It amazes me how the state expects us to do all that they require us to do, in the time frame that they offer and still manage to even take care of ourselves, let alone our children.

We have been "randomly" selected (Michael & I just laugh at that notion!) by the Texas Department of Family & Social Services, Child Care Licensing Division to have our foster/adopt home inspected/investigated. Surprisingly, they do give you the time and date, but they don't give you much of a notice. Our inspection is scheduled for Monday morning.

Due to the fact that our journey took longer than we thought it would, most of our classes/certifications have expired. This wouldn't be too big of a deal, except for the fact that these are part of the inspection...verification of up-to-date certifications/credit hours of training. GREAT! We were actually scheduled to take 2 classes the last week of September, but we all know what happened instead....Hurricane Ike. Those classes have been rescheduled for the end of October, which of course, is after our inspection.

I have been hurrying around trying to find creative alternatives to our classes, including calling all the other agencies in the area, to see if they might be offering the class, and if it would be "comparable" to what our agency requires. Our agency has been more than willing to work with us, as the inspection also affects them and their ratings. But alas, the calls were not returned and/or agencies not offering the classes in the time frame we needed. However, our caseworker is actually certified to teach one of the classes, so she will be coming over tomorrow to teach it to us in our home. Personally, it works out better for us :) DONE!

Then we realized that our CPR has expired and that's a BIG thing...found someone who can come out on Saturday morning to re-certify us in our home. DONE!

Oh yeah, and then the dog has to be up to date on his vaccinations...good thing we already had an appointment scheduled for Saturday morning....or did we? Apparently not, according to the office today, when I confirmed. And of course, they are completely booked up Saturday and Sunday. But wait, I can drop him off tomorrow at 7am and pick him up after 5pm. DONE!

The only thing that I can say "Thanks, Ike" to is the fact that I had to clean out everything in the refrigerator and restock...as this is also something that they inspect. DONE!

Oh and did I mention, that in the midst of all this, I'm a momma to a 20 month old who returned back to work full time this past week? :)

19 days later....

I'm back and blogging. I am sure some of you have wondered where we have been...checking in and not finding any new entries...sorry for that! I hate it when I check in on other blogs and there hasn't been anything updated. :(

Life has been more than crazy the past few weeks! From dealing with the aftermath of Maggie's visit with her birth mother, being without power for 10 days due to Hurricane Ike, my grandfather having a stroke and being hospitalized for 6 days, to finishing up my maternity leave and returning to work. (more specific blog posts to come)

In the midst of all the chaos, we learned to love more deeply, to laugh when we wanted to cry, cried when we felt the pain more deeply than we thought possible, held on to our daughter and comforted her when we didn't know what else to do, found new ways to entertain a 20 month old (and ourselves for that matter) when we were without power for 10 days, and take each day as a blessing.

When you are in the middle of such times like these, you often forget that things could always be worse. So, we learn to be thankful. Thankful for the love. Thankful for the laughter and tears. Thankful for the loved ones God has given us. Thankful that the hurricane didn't do more damage than it did. Thankful for a boss that is flexible and understanding to our situation and accommodating to our needs. Thankful for family and friends who come along side us in prayer and encouragement, and most of all, thankful for our Lord and Savior, without whom we would not be who we are or where we are today.

Emotions.....

One hour to go...how much time do I allow. I don't want to be there too early but I definitely don't want to be there late. Dang...no traffic on I-45? 25 minutes early. Drive around town. Dont' want to get out of the car. Never know if I might run into birth mom somewhere and not know it. Find CPS office. Verify the address. Yep. CPS office. Are you kidding me? Run down old shopping center....bad part of town....driving in circles....hoping to not be seen....baby in the carseat looking so sweet and completely unaware of what is about to happen. I smile but I really want to cry. Drive around to the back alley. Wait for CPS caseworker to appear out of one of the unmarked doors. Door opens up. Caseworker walks out. Heart stops. I can't believe that I'm actually sitting in the back alley, getting ready to hand off my daughter to basically a stranger with some credentials...and that this is ok. Sweet Maggie. Not understanding what is going on. Why is Momma taking me out of the car and giving me to this lady? Maggie cries. I tell her that I will see her in just a little bit. First time we have been separated since she came home. I drive off. Thankfully, Sally is going to meet me at Hobby Lobby to help take my mind off of it. It does. We buy way too much scrapbook paper. Of course, all the while, thinking of all the different scrapbooks I need to do for Maggie. Keep watching my clock. 20 minutes left. Better check out. Don't want to be late. Drive back to that old back alley and wait...and wait...and wait. Seriously...could the last 5 minutes take any longer? Waiting for that dungeon door to open up and see my baby.

Door opens. Caseworker walks out with my sweet baby. Maggie looks exhausted. She's dressed in different clothes. Wonder why? Caseworker tells me that Birthmom wanted to change her immediately and check her out to make sure she isn't being abused by her foster parents. Want to scream but I smile and nod. Caseworker understands. Maggie so relieved to see me. Arms open wide...hands folding in and out...hold me Momma. Kisses exchanged. Baby buckled in. Caseworker tells me that Maggie wanted nothing to do with her BM. She screamed for 45 of the 60 minute visit. It was a good bad visit. No further visits are currently scheduled. Relief.

Get into car. Look back to say something but find that my sweet angel is already fast asleep. Thankful for an hour long drive back home. Cried my eyes out. Wonder how in the world can someone treat my baby, or any child, this way?

Drive up in the driveway. Squeals are heard. Smile on that sweet little one's face. Arms opened wide. Grip so tight around my neck, I can hardly breathe. I don't mind. Little one so traumatized that she won't let her Momma go from the moment we got home until 8 hours later...and even then didn't sleep through the night.

Emotions...they are difficult, wonderful, challenging, hard, sweet and full.

Risk...something you have to be willing to take, to be able to live and love at all.

Maggie ~ worth all the emotions...worth all of the risks!

Claiming this today

Romans 8:22-39, from The Message:

^{22 -25}All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

^{26 -28}Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

^{29 -30}God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

^{31 -39}So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

~ Amen!

Prayer

I just wanted to take a minute to ask for your prayers tomorrow. I will be taking Maggie up to the CPS office in Conroe at 1pm for her court-ordered visitation with her biological mother. We are unsure if the mom will even show up or pass her court-required drug test, but we have to assume the visit taking place. We are a bit anxious about this visit, for many reasons, and above all else, would appreciate your prayers for protection over Maggie. These visits are often very traumatic for the child, even when they don't know the parent (as she most likely won't remember her since it's been so long & hasn't spent much time around her at all). The visit will be for an hour and will be supervised by her CPS caseworker, her court appointed advocate and a police officer. So, I know on "paper" she will be protected, but as her Momma, the one who has been her protector the longest, I can't be there to protect her and make sure she's ok. But we can rest in the knowledge that God, our Father, will be there to watch over her and protect her.

There are so many different thoughts running through my mind, but I know that God understands and is present. It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling....I just have to keep reminding myself that it's just one hour...and when that hour is over, Maggie will come home to her Momma and Daddy who love her to the moon and back!

A day at the park...

It was an unusual thing to find this morning....cooler weather outside! So, I decided to take Maggie up to Meyer Park and play for a while.

This was our first time to the park, and possibly her first ever. She took it all in. The ducks. The geese. The doves and even those NASTY nutrias! We walked and walked and walked....guess she was more interested in checking everything out, rather than actually playing on the playgrounds. Eventually, she eased her way onto the sand, climbed up the stairs, and even took a few rides down the slides. We then moved over to the swings...and oh that girl loved that swing. I think she would've stayed in that swing all day, if we could. She'd lay her head back, close her eyes and seemed to just soak it all in.

At that moment, I was reminded that no matter how complicated life can be, or how many worries we carry with us...just like that, we can lay our heads back, close our eyes, raise our heads and eyes to the heavens and know that God is in control! It's amazing how much someone so little can teach so much!

Where did the week go?

When we first brought Maggie home, I oftened wondered how in the world could a day go by sooooo slowly?! I remember thinking...it's ONLY 9am? It's only 9:08am? and so on....and now...I'm thinking...is it seriously already Sunday again? Where did the week go?

This past week was quite full ~ not necessarily with places to go, but with things to do!

Maggie had her first dental appointment. It went well, but then again, how else could it have gone? It was literally a 5 minute appointment. I sure do wish mine were like that. Note to self: need to schedule dental appointment.

I also had the wonderful task of trying to schedule her surgery at Texas Children's. I called the number that the ENT office gave me. They said that the ENT would need to send over Maggie's medical records and referral letter before an appointment could be made with one of their specialists. I called the ENT's office and they said that TCH has their own referral form. Please have TCH fax over their referral form to our office, we will complete it and send it back. Called TCH and asked about referral form. Was informed that some departments have their own form, but they don't. Called ENT's office back to let them know that they just needed to have the doctor write a referral for Maggie and send the records. They seemed quite frustrated with me (they're frustrated?!?!?!) and said that they would TRY and get it to it by Wednesday (it was Monday when I called). Thankfully the ENT's office sent the information over fairly quickly and I was able to get the next available appointment - September 25th. This is just to see a doctor to have them say, yes, she does need the surgery...let's schedule it. UGH! Oh the red tape! Oh the governmental system! It's truly ridiculous!

On Friday, Maggie & I went over to my friend's Sally's inlaws to go swimming. We had a great time with Sally & Spencer. It was a beautiful sunny, hot Houston day. Maggie loved the water and playing with Spencer. One problem...in the midst of all the chaos, I forgot one minor thing. Sunscreen on momma. Can we say RED? Unlike my beautiful, gorgeous tanned daughter, I need the sunscreen. I am still in pain, 3 days later. Maggie, on the other hand, couldn't be darker if I painted her brown!

I also finally got my car back from the body shop. Oh, I don't think I blogged about the old (85+) lady who backed up into my parked car, while visiting my grandparents...and who wanted to blame me for parking in the middle of the street. Oh dear Peggy...let's not even go there. She asked that I not file a claim on her insurance...she'd just pay for it. I got an estimate and informed her of the price. She filed a claim. It took almost 2 weeks for the body shop to repair my car...and honestly, the damage was minimal...except for the fact that I couldn't open up my driver's door. I will forever appreciate my Honda Pilot and the incredible reliability and pick up speed it has...now that I've driven a Kia Sedona for 2 weeks. Welcome back, Pilot!

For those of you mommas out there...I'm sure you'll appreciate this. I knew that I was going to get a rental car. I didn't think it would be for too long, so I decided to just leave Maggie's car seat in my Pilot, and use the 2nd carseat that my sister, Ashley, gave me a long time ago. This way, I wouldn't have to mess with taking out her seat, since honestly, I can't quite figure out how to get it out anyway. Can we say complicated? So, I get back to the house with the rental car and I go to put the other car seat in. What a struggle. I couldn't figure out how to secure the dadgum thing....I was sweating....going from one side to the next, laying down in the back, trying to get the extra latch to fit in a spot that couldn't possibly be for the latch. Finally, about 20 minutes later, I get it in. WHEW! Now, I go to get Maggie, bring her out to the car, put her in the car seat, pull up the straps....pull up the straps...pull....up....UGH! Can any of you guess my next problem? I didn't even THINK to check to see if the straps would be in the right position...and you guessed it...they weren't. It would've been one thing if the straps were too loose...but NO...they were way too tight. I couldn't believe it. I was so frustrated! I pulled Maggie out. Put her in the house. Went back out to the car and 10 minutes later, got the car seat out of the rental, brought it back into the house, to find my daughter crying and my husband just looking at me, wondering what in the world is going on. I throw the car seat down in front of him, burst into tears and walk out of the room. Yes, Mommas...it was not a pretty moment.

Needless to say, it's an older car seat, so I had to unlatch each strap, pull the straps out, adjust the height, pull the straps back through, rehook all latches, and then attempt to put it back in the car. Yeah right. All the while I was thinking...do I seriously need milk that badly....or can it just wait? I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who has had moments like this....right?

Maggie is doing great! She's really working hard on her words and definitely babbling non-stop. Her bedtime and naptime routines are great. She loves being outside and in the water, so the baby pool has been a huge success this summer! She actually cries every morning when we don't get in it right away. Hard to tell an 18 month old that it's just too early to swim (7am). Michael & I are doing well and have really adjusted to our new life. It's hard to remember what our life was even like pre-Maggie. We're grateful and feel so blessed to be called Maggie's momma and daddy.

We've got a few other things coming up in the next 2 weeks. We'll keep you posted and always, appreciate your prayers!

6 Random Things ~ I've been tagged!

Okay I was tagged by my friend, Tami Whitmarsh, to blog 6 random things about myself. Thanks, Tami!

Here are the tagging rules:

1. Post the rules on your blog
2. Write 6 random things about yourself
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post
4. If you are tagged, DO IT and pass it along

So, here are my Random Facts:

1. I can't stand any type of artificial lighting. I've always read with the lights off, watched tv with the lights off, even work in my office at work with the lights off. I love natural light. All other lights give me headaches. Of course, that might explain my need for glasses.

2. I love the Peyton & Eli Manning commercials. They crack me up. I hate the Sonic commercials. They don't. And, while we're on the subject...could they seriously play the cell phone commercial where the parents are monitoring cell phone minutes when the kids crash the car?! I'd be doing a lot more than decreasing minutes (but I digress)

3. I'm a huge gum chewer. I always have gum on me. My newest fav is Stride's sugarfree Mandarin Orange (much to my nieces dismay...as they go for the green spearmint).

4. I've been a Mary Engelbreit collector for 20 years...thanks to Mom!

5. I'm still working on my Mary Engelbreit Christmas cross-stitch project from last year. I started it in Sept of 2007 and worked on it every single day (hours on end) until Christmas Day. I couldn't get it done in time. And I am determined to get it finished by this Christmas...but that's not looking so good either!

6. Michael & I met online in a Christian chatroom and I knew the first time that I spoke to him on the phone, that he'd be my husband. We met online on January 26, 2003. Spoke on the phone for the first time on January 27, 2003. We met in person on February 27, 2003. Michael stayed in Houston for 11 days. Michael moved to Houston on July 27, 2003. We got engaged on August 2, 2003. We got married on November 8, 2003. Can we say whirlwind? Can we say God?!

Here are the people I'm tagging:
1. Erica
2. Kelly
3. Jenni
4. Shana
5. Jocelyn
6. Jenny

check...check...check...check...check...check...

• Maggie's 1st visit to the dentist....check. (very easy when you only have a few teeth!)
• Schedule appointment with ECI (early childhood intervention)....check.
• ENT send referral to Texas Children's for Maggies' surgery...check.
• Follow up with TCH on referral and schedule appointment for Maggie's surgery...check. (even though the earliest available appointment to see another specialist isn't until Sept. 25th!)
• Clean up dining room from my all night scrapbooking on Friday (in celebration of my parent's 40th wedding anniversary)...check.
• Get all laundry folded and put away...check.
• Get Maggie to take a good nap..........
• Get Maggie to bed early tonight.......

Well, 6 out 8 is pretty good....don't you think?!?!?

Here's hoping that my sweet little one will go to sleep and stay asleep tonight (she was up at 3:30 this morning!) Hope you all have a good night too!

Love,

One day at a time...

That's how we're livin'....one day at a time.


We finally heard back from the CPS CW, 2 days after the court hearing. She informed us that the permanency plan of unrelated adoption was still presented and everyone was still on board with pushing forward with that. However, by law, Maggie's bio-mom still has her rights, and therefore, the judge has to give visitation (with a clean drug test) and offer a service plan, regardless of the permanency plan offered. This means that nothing has really changed...other than it's going to be an emotional roller coaster and it will most likely just take longer to terminate rights. Again, without going into detail (due to privacy and legal issues), it's VERY doubtful that the bio-mom will even come close to fulfilling the requirements that the judge will put in place, as well as the fact that it's not just the completion of services that make the final decision. She would also have to prove to be a stable and able parent, which is most highly doubtful. So, at this time, we're pressing on, loving and caring for Maggie, keeping her safe and secure, and walking the path of true faith like never before.

On another note, Maggie's CT scan showed that she does not have the nasal/sinus obstructions that they had feared! We are so thrilled about that....as it could have been some fairly serious surgery and recovery time. However, it did show that her tonsils and adenoids do need to be removed. Due to her extreme sleep apnea and the possible complications, the ENT referred us to Texas Children's for the surgery. We are in the process of getting all of the paperwork and records sent to TCH so that a physician there can see her and then schedule the surgery. This process has been anything but simple and easy. Even making doctor's appointments can be quite challenging. Dealing with Medicaid is definitely a new experience and one that I hope most don't have to deal with. So many forms, referral for this and that. It's no wonder that our system is so screwed up....they make it way too complicated. I am to follow up with TCH on Wednesday to schedule an initial drs. visit.

Tomorrow morning Maggie has her first dentist appointment. This should be interesting, since she does NOT like for me to brush her teeth. Yes, a dental appointment at 18 months old! The state requires all children in the system to see the dentist as soon as they go into care. If I thought finding a doctor who took the Star Medicaid was difficult...try finding a dentist who sees children under the age of 3...and oh yeah, takes Star Health Medicaid.

I just realized that my post might be coming across as negative and like I am complaining, but it's just that it's been a rough few days. We all go through that ~ no matter where we are in life, what we are going through, what battles we are facing. There will be days that are harder than others but like my Momma always says "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" And in the meantime, we just need to hold on a little tighter to our Father God, who has ALL THINGS in His hands...even the pesky receptionists at the doctor's offices and the paperwork that continues to need to be filled out.

So, tonight, as I close...may you hold your loved ones tighter and may you feel the love of our Heavenly Father more deeply than ever before.

Much love to you all!

What we know....

so far is that the judge awarded Maggie's bio-mom visitation rights and the first visit is to take place next week at CPS. The supervised visit is for an hour. Maggie's CPS caseworker also told us that the judge is working on a service plan for the mom to regain custody of Maggie. We were absolutely floored by this information, as everyone involved has told us that this just wasn't possible, with the mom's history. However, something must've happened...and we don't know what yet. The CW couldn't say anything else to me on the phone and said she'd call me back "sometime" today...ugh?!

As I laid in my bed in the fetal position sobbing, I was reminded once again, that satan is powerful and that I cannot feel defeated. It's so easy to jump to all sorts of conclusions, play out scenarios and put things in motion in our minds...because we don't have all the information or know all the answers...BUT GOD does! He is more powerful than satan. God is in CONTROL. God already knows the outcome. If Michael & I truly believe what we say we believe, we must stand strong, press forward, pray that the complete truth is revealed, and continue to love, protect and care for Maggie.

Although it feels as if everything has changed, nothing has changed. Maggie still calls us Momma and Daddy and Maggie is still our daughter and God is still God...that's all we need to know right now.

Thanks for your prayers. We'll be sure to keep you posted!

Court hearing tomorrow

Just a quick note to let you know that Maggie's first court hearing is this morning at 9:30am. It is just a status hearing and the time for all the parties involved to come before the judge to discuss her case and their plan of action. We have been told that everyone is on board to move quickly to unrelated adoption. However, we have also been notified, that after 9+ months of being out of the picture, her biological mom has all of a sudden, decided to pop back into the picture, and is wanting immediate visitation rights, as well as regaining custody of Maggie. We can't share the particulars of her background, but if you heard even a small portion of it, you'd know that there is no way that Maggie should be returned to her biological mother, let alone even be granted any visitation. Even the mother's attorney is on our side.

It is hard to put into words, all the many emotions that are flowing through me right now. But in the midst of the unknowns, we are confident that God is in control. We know that God brought Maggie into our lives. She is our daughter. She is ours. We are her Momma and Daddy. She is loved. She is safe. She is home. And that's what we cling to.

Even though everyone is telling us that they're for us, Satan still has his way of getting into our minds. Oh the scenarios that have played out in my mind the past few days! But, I will NOT let those thoughts take over me. I will cling to the hope of knowing that God is sovereign, loving and still with us. He has gone before us. He is walking with us. He will protect us. He will provide for us. He will carry us...and with that, we take each day as it comes....loving our daughter, enjoying each moment we have together, and thanking God for the miracle of her sweet little life.

Due to the circumstances of Maggie's mother's situation, we will not be in court tomorrow morning. So, we will be at home, waiting for the caseworker to call us with an update, and praying that the Lord's will be done.

Thanks for praying with us. We'll be sure to let you know what happens.

Love to all ~

The night before a big day...for my little one

Tonight, my little one has no idea of the big day she has in store for her tomorrow....and I'm thankful for that. Man, is it hard to be a momma!

We need to be at Texas Children's tomorrow morning by 6:30am, which means leaving our house by 5:30am, which means getting up at 4:30am, which means that I should already be in bed...but alas! I am blogging :)

Maggie is scheduled for a CT scan to check out everything going on with her sinus, nasal passages, adenoids, and everything else in between. Because of her age, she will need to be sedated, therefore, we have to be there 1 1/2 hours before her scan time of 8am. It should be interesting to see how she handles being poked and prodded for the anesthesia, poor thing.

Maggie basically can't breathe at all through her nose. She is a mouth breather. She is completely blocked. They don't know if it's just severe sinus issues and just needs sinus surgery, or if it's more serious with a nasal obstruction that would require complete nasal reconstruction. If either of these are the case, she will need to re-trained to learn how to breathe through her nose, as they suspect that she's never really been able to do so. We're hoping, of course, that surgery isn't necessary, but it might be the only solution to her medical issues. We'd appreciate your prayers as we go through the testing tomorrow.

On another note, we met with Maggie's CPS caseworker on Tuesday morning and the meeting went well. It's really hard to know how "well" it went, as they don't show too much emotion. You do feel as if every little move is being monitored and evaluated...did I respond to the question right? Did I go to Maggie quickly enough? Does our house look like an 18 month feels comfortable here? Did she notice that the dishes were still in the sink? Is she concerned that Maggie didn't seem to "need" me at all during our visit? Oh the questions that go through one's mind!

We did find out a little more into her birth mother's history and due to privacy issues, I won't share, although it's just more horrifying to know all that Maggie has endured in her short 18 months on this earth...and makes us even more thankful that the Lord brought her to us when He did. We have seen first hand that the Lord does prevail and that goodness does win over evil, even in a little life such as Maggie's.

During the meeting, we found out that Maggie hasn't had any of her immunizations at all, so we get to start on those on Friday. Poor baby!

Thanks for checking in with us and for your prayers.

Much love to all!