Privacy, emotions and more....

Well, aren't you some of my favorite people...to be stopping by and reading and walking with us on our journey to adopting Maggie. As you all know by now, I have had to make my blog private. I hope that you don't mind the extra step to log in, but it's really for Maggie's protection.

As I said in my last post, we had a PPT conference yesterday. The PPT conference included a moderator, CPS, attorneys for all parties involved (birth mother, birth father and Maggie), CASA (court appointed advocate for Maggie) and us. *Side bar....yes, there is an attorney assigned to the birth father. no, the birth father's identity is unknown. Great way to spend our hard earned money, don't you think? But that's another post!

I think we've shared in the past our need to be very careful about our identities and even cautious about where we go and what we do with Maggie, due to her birth mother's situation. We've been able to keep our identities hidden for almost 6 months. Typically in these meetings, we would be addressed as foster mom/foster dad. Our first and/or last names have never been uttered...until yesterday. Maggie's CPS caseworker addressed me a few times as Courtney. I couldn't believe it...but I was ok after a while thinking, well there are alot of Courtneys in the world, so there's no way for her to find out who I really am. Well, that is, until the caseworker switched and started calling Ms. Thompson! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! This sick feeling came over me and I just wanted to scream out ~ WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW BETTER! ~ but I couldn't say anything. I can't say anything. I was just devastated.

Again without going into too many details of the issues, the birth mother has basically kidnapped Maggie 2 other times from other states that had ongoing CPS cases open on her. She has threatened to stop at nothing to get her child back, no matter the cost. I know...it doesn't make sense, but that's part of her problem. Maggie is just a possession that she feels she needs to own. She does not love Maggie. She does not care about Maggie's well being. She doesn't ask about Maggie or how she is doing. She just wants to know when she can get Maggie back and that as soon as she gets Maggie, she will be "outta here and no one will find us this time".

With today's information highway right in front of our faces all day every day, you can find out just about anything you want on someone...so again, we were not at all happy with the fact that she now knows our names.

Visitation was also brought up. The first (and only) visit was in September and was horrible. Horrible for Maggie and just heartbreaking for us. It took her almost 3 weeks to recover from it. The judge agreed with CPS's recommendation that another visit shouldn't be granted until a play therapist could assess Maggie's well being. Only problem is that we have been unable to find a play therapist who will work with Maggie, due to the fact that she is not even 2 yet. The birth mother's attorney spoke up yesterday and stated that CPS was in violation of the law by not allowing the birth mother a visit. Unless there is a court order (which there is not) and/or a therapist stating that it's not in the best interest of the child (which we don't have) ~ the birth mom is entitled to a 2 hour visitation every month. So the attorney basically said we had 13 days to get in a 2 hour visit. Moderator agreed. CPS agreed.

Me ~ Absolutely speechless. Breathing heavy. Heart pounding. Face red. Eyes tearing up. What about Maggie? Who is fighting for my child? What about the fact that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks without nightmares or sleeping in our arms? What about the fact that she was absolutely terrorized by the 1 hour visit...and now you're saying she has to be there for 2 hours? And to do this 5 days before Christmas? I wanted to stand up and scream...No! You WILL NOT do this to my child. However, I can't say no. I don't have the choice to say no. I don't have the ability to protect my child from this woman and her 2 hour "right" to a visit. She gave up those rights when she neglected, abused and abandoned her child. And yet, the whole time yesterday, I felt that it was all about the birth mom....not about protecting the child and doing what was best for her.

This post has gone on much longer than I anticipated, but it's very therapeutic to write. Thanks for sticking with me. We covet your prayers as we await word of when the visitation will take place. We are still holding out hope that it will at least be after Christmas. We soooo want this Christmas to be the most special time for Maggie.

Just when I think I can't possibly love that sweet little girl anymore, the Lord opens my heart a little more and allows me to love her even more! Maggie is our daughter. She has been chosen for Michael & I. She is our JOY! She is our heart. She is our gift.

We will fight for you, Maggie Joy! We promise to keep you safe and healthy and happy. Momma & Daddy love you so much. You have brought so much love and life and joy into our hearts and into our home. We know that Jesus has you safely in the palm of His hands and that He knows each and every detail of your life. We trust that Jesus will keep you safe. Know that you are loved by so many.