Sometimes the weight of what we're doing is really overwhelming. There are moments when I will be going through my day as usual and a weight will hit like a thousand bricks.


I am responsible for this child. Her future depends, in large part, on who I am in her present.

I see my weaknesses and faults and know that she sees them too. She may not recognize them as such yet, but she will someday.

I recognize that my daughter is growing up right before my eyes. The clock is ticking.

The other day I was looking through an adoption book that we have. It has a list of childhood traumas that children can experience (but shouldn't have to). Experiencing these traumas can obviously greatly impact a child's life and future.

And as I read the list, I check off one trauma after another. "Yes, she's had that happen. And that. And that. And that."

And I realize my own inability to turn the past around. She has been through so much pain, so much suffering, so much loss. She's too young to really know how to mourn, too young to understand what has been done to her.

And I feel the weight of undoing the past. Shaping the future.

I'm so inadequate.

I long for her to long for Christ.

And then I long for myself to long for Christ in a visible way, so that she can see my longing.

I long for her to feel loved and accepted always!

And then I realize that's my job.

Every mother must feel this weight.
But with my daughter, it is different. A child born to a loving set of parents, who nurture, protect, provide & love will feel loved and accepted from the moment she enters this world.

It wasn't like that for my daughter. Her first year and a half were spent in uncertainty and fear, feeling abandoned, alone and unwanted. I want more than anything to turn back the clock, and have her enter this world into my arms. But I can't do that. I can't change what has been.

So I beg the Lord to heal her brokenness. I beg Him to help her become a survivor, rather than a victim. I beg Him that she will be the one who breaks the cycles of dysfunction that have run through her birth family for so long. I beg Him that she will see what He knows she can become, and that she will strive for that. I long for her to have goals for herself, to learn how to have positive relationships with men before it's too late, to recognize that she can and will be a strong, independent woman some day.

And I do what I can do today.

Final Visit

We are on the countdown folks....CPS made their final visit on Monday! YAY!

(by the way, it's not that we've had a bad experience with CPS...on the contrary, our's has been great. But we're just more than happy to never see them again!) :)

It was bound to happen

I was just going along my merry little way, enjoying the lighter flow of traffic yesterday - impressed with my timing of getting home earlier than normal....when all of a sudden I realize it's Wednesday! For some, that realization is not earth shattering...but it is to a Momma when she realizes she's only a few minutes from home and she forgot to go and pick up her daughter from school.

Maggie goes to school Monday, Wednesday, Friday. On those days, I have to go a different route to/from work because of where her school is located. Tues/Thurs she stays at home with her daddy and I get to take the easy/shorter route. Anyhoo....

It's Wednesday! Oh no! Maggie's @ school....and I'm just down the street from my house! Thankfully I remembered before I actually got out of the car and walked into the house to hear my husband say something like, "where's Maggie?" and the dread fall upon both of us. So, I got myself in gear and got off the beltway to the lovely FM1960 (for those of you who don't live in the Houston area, you don't understand how horrific this main street is - anytime of the day, let alone @ rush hour). Of course, this route took me about 25 minutes out of the way to get to Maggie's school. Had I gone the right way and picked her up like normally, she would've already been picked up and we would've already been on our way home. However....

Now, no true worries were really felt as I knew that she could've been there another 2 hours without any issues. It's just that I usually pick her up between 4:30-5:00. As bad as I felt about it, I knew it wouldn't phase her any. As a matter of fact, she'd probably be happy with the fact that I was later than usual (although oblivious to time) so she could play outside longer. And sure enough...that's exactly what happened. She doesn't even have a concept of time or being late. And just like I thought ~ my sweet girl was outside playing with her friends and having a ball.

I was just saying the other day that I always had this fear that I'd forget what day it was and end up going the wrong way and/or forgetting to get Maggie. Well, I guess that's what I get for talking about it!

Muffins With Mom

This morning was Muffins with Mom at Maggie's school. The gym was filled will brightly colored tables & 100s of muffins. It was just a short time to spend with your little one before they started their school day.   They also took pictures of all the kids & their moms with a HUGE muffin. Should be cute to see how it turned out.

Maggie was so excited. "Momma, gonna eat breakfast with me today. You no need to go work." Oh how I wish it were that easy....but I sure was happy to share a muffin with my sweet girl.

Spoke too soon...

Just the other day, I was telling Maggie's play therapist how great she was doing. So much so, that we actually discussed whether or not to continue therapy.  There had been no recent outbursts. No meltdowns. No tantrums. No screaming. No uncontrollable crying.  Ahem.  Until today.

Once again it happened at Target. What is it with that place?!  Well, one of the issues is really more my fault.  We have a tendency to get an Icee when we go to Target. It's cheap ($1) and it keeps Maggie's hands full and her mind occupied while I shop. However, we went in today for just a quick stop to return a few items.  Oh I knew what was going to happen, but I was prepared.  I got her in the cart outside and went straight to customer service (in the opposite direction of the cafe) in hopes of that deterring her from the obvious re-direction. With that in mind, I had already pulled out my iPhone and had it on the Super Why app, knowing that would catch her attention really quick.   Yay! It worked!  She did ask for the Icee but I said, hey, it's Super Why...and away she went with playing the game.

Until she gets to the part that she can't do, because she's not able to read yet.  She asked me to help her, which I obliged. Unfortunately, that was a major mistake. Apparently, even though she asked for my help, and asked me to push the right button, she didn't mean that she actually wanted me to push the button. Oh. Right. Should've known that.  Of course, had I not pushed the button, another sort of rant would have most likely happened.  The guy at the counter was already in a bad mood. He was the only one working and there were 9 people in line for returns.  (I had 3 items to return. All on separate transactions. Sorry!)

So, Maggie throws my iPhone onto the ground. Yes. You read that right.  Oh how I wish I could put into words what I was feeling at that moment, but I really don't think I can (well, let's just say, it wouldn't be prudent to disclose that information on this blog).  Thankfully she did not break it.  Then she began to scream (and I mean SCREAM) all sorts of things like "You don't touch my game" "I don't need help!" "I can do it!" "Give me an Icee" "Let me out of here" "Don't look at me" ~ I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

I'm fairly certain that had someone just seen me walking out of Target with Maggie, the thought might have crossed their minds that this was a kidnapping, versus a meltdown.  Anyhoo....

Once the transactions were completed, I lifted her out of the cart where she proceeded to play "stiff as a board and kick my legs as fast as I can", kicking her shoes off in the process.  This then led to more screaming because she lost her shoes.  I quickly pick up the shoes, throw them in my purse (I was tempted to just leave them there, but they were new :) ) and walk back to the car. Yes, she's still in the stiff as a board form.  I unlock the door and wrestle with her to get in the car seat.  This girl is strong and determined. I seriously broke a sweat getting her in the car seat. She's a magician at moving her arms out faster than I can move.  She continues to scream so much that she's beginning to cough and gag. I just knew that vomit was about to be seen - thankfully it did not make an appearance.  Oh and the snot....so lovely....everywhere.

I shut the door and I just stand there.  I don't dare get in...yet.  I need a moment (more like quite a few) and I try and remain calm. Let me tell you that I might appear calm on the outside for the appearance of the 100+ people witnessing this event, but I am far from it on the inside.  I get in the car, start it and Maggie's screaming "I don't want to go home" "let me out of here", etc....

I turn up the music. She screams louder. I turn the music up louder. The more she screams. The more I push the "UP" button on the sound.  Good to know.  She didn't like it one bit.

She eventually stopped all of this....as soon as I pulled up to the house. Sure, that's when I'd do it too.
It's been a rough evening. She's super sensitive, super agitated and on edge today.

We've had this discussion many times about picking our battles.  There is a part of me that just wants to give her the Icee (or whatever item it might be at the time) just to avoid the meltdown like today.  And most of the time, I give in. However, she is the child and I am the parent. I have to set guidelines & boundaries. She can't get what she wants everytime she wants it. It just doesn't work that way. I even discussed this scenario with the play therapist, and reassured me that I was doing the right thing in saying "no" to the Icee everytime. (It was just nice to get some validation from an unbiased person). It's hard. It's not easy. 

The triggers can be anything ~ an Icee, a pushed button on an iPhone, a toy being moved, milk given instead of juice, or juice given instead of milk, the wrong cup for the juice, the wrong DVD put in, the wrong book picked, a look, a sound, a noise.  And the triggers can happen at any time.

I don't know that I handled it well, but I do know that even when she's going through this, it may be hard to handle, but she's definitely not hard to love.

Sandbox

We had debated for quite a while on whether or not we should get Maggie a sandbox. The girl would live outside, if we let her.  So, we just decided to go ahead and get her one in hopes that she would like it.

Well....they say that a picture is worth a 1000 words....

Her first day in the sandbox and she played for 3 hours...she barely even knew I was there :) 

Fun with Friends

We went over to our toddler friends' house on Saturday for a playdate. It's always a bit chaotic with 5 under the age of 3, but they always have lots of fun together....and the 2 Mommas get in some talking time, in between everything else that goes on!

First time playing in the sandbox

Maggie's first time playing in her new sandbox :)

Night time routine

Every night before bed, the 3 of us sit down on the couch and we read 3 books together. Not sure how 3 became the lucky number, but it is what it is. We tell Maggie to go and pick out 3 books and bring them to us...and most of the time, we end up reading the same 3 books for about a week. We KNOW these books by heart by now -- we don't even need to have the books to tell the stories. So, every now and then we'll say, "get 3 books but DO NOT bring Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" and you'll hear a little sigh. It's really quite funny. I mean, we seriously have over 100 books to pick from. I think I will rotate some books tomorrow!

After we read the books, we will pray together. Either Daddy or I will pray and Maggie will repeat what we say. We have a tendency to say the same things - mainly to help her in learning to pray. What's funny is when we change it up a bit and she "corrects" us.

She then gives lots of hugs and kisses, grabs her ba-ba and heads to her room. We get her bed ready, put on her sleep mask (which, thankfully, she has no issues with whatsoever!) and I sit on the side of the bed to rock her. When I rock her, she wants me to sing to her. When we first started doing this a long time ago, I would just randomly pick songs to sing to her. I never did them in a particular order or made sure I sang something every time. However, over time, we fell into a routine of what songs would be sung and in which order. Actually, Maggie pretty much dictated that.

I remember the first night that I realized this was happening. We sat down, I started to rock Maggie and I started to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She said, "no Momma. wrong song. Itsy Bitsy Spider". That's when I knew that the play list had been made :) So, every night, as I rock my sweet girl to sleep, this is what you would hear:

1. Itsy Bitsy Spider
2. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
3. You are My Sunshine
4. This Little Light of Mine
5. Jesus Loves Me
6. ABCs
7. I'm a Little Owl (sung to the tune of I'm a Little Teapot)
8. Goodnight Sweetheart
9. The Lord's Prayer

Quite a collection, huh?! I can't complain -- at least she lets me sing and rock to her. There will come a day, and hopefully not too soon, when she won't want Momma to rock or sing to her...and I'll be wishing for a routine of playlists to sing over and over and over again.

Noah's Ark

Everyday, Maggie comes home from school and immediately takes out her folder.  Her folder will contain notes from the teacher, announcements from school, and all her art projects. She is very quick to sit us down and present us with her handiwork.  "Look, Momma. Look, Daddy"

Yesterday, she shows us a picture of a man that she painted. 

M - "Momma, Daddy. Look."
Me - "Oh what a great job painting the picture.  Who is that?"
M - "Um, I thought it was God. But it's not God."
Me - "Oh, ok. Well who is it?"
M - "Noah!!!!"
Me - "and what did Noah do?"
M - "he build  big ark"
Me - "Why?"
M - "a big storms a comin'" (we laugh)
Me - "and what's on the ark?"
M - "aminals....lots and lots and lots of aminals"
Me - "lots and lots, huh?"
M - "yep. not 1, not 3, just 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2...."  :)

It really blessed our hearts to hear Maggie share what she learned that day...and that it was a Bible story.  How thankful we are for her teachers and the truths that she is learning!

Orange is her color....what do you think?

Oh how I love this sweet girl!!!!!

Easter 2010

Some egg hunting inside (since we started a little late in the evening, after the earlier day's festivities)

We enjoyed lunch over at Nana & Dandy's house. Maggie helping Nana to peel all of the hard boiled eggs to make deviled eggs.

Dandy & Maggie coloring together. She sure does love her Dandy!

Helping Nana arrange the pretty flowers Such a pretty girl :)

We took some bluebonnet pictures later in the day...but that's for another post.

We had lots of fun celebrating Easter with Nana, Dandy & Mimi.

Dental checkup

It was time for Maggie's 6 month dental check up. Despite the extreme tardiness of the entire dental office staff (no need to go there right now), Maggie was in good spirits and loved being at the dentist.

They asked her if they could take some pictures of her mouth and she said "oh yeah, sure!" And they did, without any problems. She loves the dentist and the assistants there. They also asked her if they could brush/polish her teeth and again she said, "oh yeah, sure!" Sure enough, she laid there ever so still (shocking!) and let them clean and polish her teeth. Didn't bother her a bit. Actually she loved it so much, she was actually upset to see the dentist leave. He laughed and said, ohhh that's so nice...no one ever wants to see me and is always in a rush to leave!" It was really cute.

Here's hoping that all future visits go as well as this one did!