Emotions.....

One hour to go...how much time do I allow. I don't want to be there too early but I definitely don't want to be there late. Dang...no traffic on I-45? 25 minutes early. Drive around town. Dont' want to get out of the car. Never know if I might run into birth mom somewhere and not know it. Find CPS office. Verify the address. Yep. CPS office. Are you kidding me? Run down old shopping center....bad part of town....driving in circles....hoping to not be seen....baby in the carseat looking so sweet and completely unaware of what is about to happen. I smile but I really want to cry. Drive around to the back alley. Wait for CPS caseworker to appear out of one of the unmarked doors. Door opens up. Caseworker walks out. Heart stops. I can't believe that I'm actually sitting in the back alley, getting ready to hand off my daughter to basically a stranger with some credentials...and that this is ok. Sweet Maggie. Not understanding what is going on. Why is Momma taking me out of the car and giving me to this lady? Maggie cries. I tell her that I will see her in just a little bit. First time we have been separated since she came home. I drive off. Thankfully, Sally is going to meet me at Hobby Lobby to help take my mind off of it. It does. We buy way too much scrapbook paper. Of course, all the while, thinking of all the different scrapbooks I need to do for Maggie. Keep watching my clock. 20 minutes left. Better check out. Don't want to be late. Drive back to that old back alley and wait...and wait...and wait. Seriously...could the last 5 minutes take any longer? Waiting for that dungeon door to open up and see my baby.

Door opens. Caseworker walks out with my sweet baby. Maggie looks exhausted. She's dressed in different clothes. Wonder why? Caseworker tells me that Birthmom wanted to change her immediately and check her out to make sure she isn't being abused by her foster parents. Want to scream but I smile and nod. Caseworker understands. Maggie so relieved to see me. Arms open wide...hands folding in and out...hold me Momma. Kisses exchanged. Baby buckled in. Caseworker tells me that Maggie wanted nothing to do with her BM. She screamed for 45 of the 60 minute visit. It was a good bad visit. No further visits are currently scheduled. Relief.

Get into car. Look back to say something but find that my sweet angel is already fast asleep. Thankful for an hour long drive back home. Cried my eyes out. Wonder how in the world can someone treat my baby, or any child, this way?

Drive up in the driveway. Squeals are heard. Smile on that sweet little one's face. Arms opened wide. Grip so tight around my neck, I can hardly breathe. I don't mind. Little one so traumatized that she won't let her Momma go from the moment we got home until 8 hours later...and even then didn't sleep through the night.

Emotions...they are difficult, wonderful, challenging, hard, sweet and full.

Risk...something you have to be willing to take, to be able to live and love at all.

Maggie ~ worth all the emotions...worth all of the risks!