The three of us are heading out tomorrow afternoon to Austin. I wish it were just for a vacation but it's not. Maggie has an appointment at the NeuroSensory Center of America on Monday morning. This neurologist comes highly recommended and specializes in kids like Maggie. Isn't it unbelievable that we live in Houston, which has the largest medical center for children in the US and we are having to travel to another city to see this specialist?! Oh well...that's the way it goes.
We are going to take advantage of the visit and just take our time getting there and coming back home. The appt is early Monday morning and we weren't about to make the 3 hour drive that early, so we are going to enjoy the afternoon/evening in the hotel, maybe taking a swim or just hanging out in a new, fun place. Maggie's never been in the car for 3 hours or to a hotel, so this sound be....interesting. We're hopeful that our timing of leaving at noon is helpful since that's typically her nap time and she has no problem falling asleep in the car (that, along with a little help from our friend, melatonin.)
The facility is all-in-one and we will have all testing, blood work, CT scans, MRIs, everything/anything needed done at the time of the visit. We will meet with the neurologist and have any diagnosis/plan of actions discussed and put together by the end of the visit. That will definitely be nice. No multiple visits, going here/there and trying to make up other appointments at other facilities. Once we have a diagnosis/plan, we will most likely be able to follow up with a local dr and/or return to Austin very infrequently. Of course, it all depends on what is determined.
We are a bit anxious about it, if I'm honest. There's a part of me that wants something to be "wrong", so that we can hopefully "fix it". But then, of course, you don't ever want anything to be wrong with your child. We know that God is in control and already knows the outcome. We know that He will give us what we need, when we need it. We know that God is not the least bit surprised with all that we're dealing with and SOMEHOW feels that we are more than able to handle it. I'm not so sure about that, most days, but I will trust in His perfect plan and in His faithfulness to carry us through.
The testing and appointment is expected to last about 6 hours. That's a long time for anyone, let alone a 4 year old. So, we would appreciate your prayers for Maggie on Monday...and for her momma and daddy as they wait with her.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Austin-bound
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Attachment 101
A friend sent this to me the other day and I just had to share. Wow.Wow.Wow.
"I’m currently reading a book called Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray. It’s like the “attachment bible” for adoptive parents. Gray talks a lot about what happens in the heart of a child when they become orphaned. She writes that when a child has suffered abandonment, neglect, or abuse, they internalize these sins and come to believe that they are the problem. They become ashamed. They think they did something to cause the abuse. These effects show up differently in different children--especially those that don't yet have the words or cognitive ability to express or understand such emotions.
In the aftermath of these tragedies, many children learn to control, rather than trust. If they can control the situation, they don’t have to trust. It’s far less risky. And, if something bad happens again, they believe it has to do with their inability to control the situation. Hence, the cycle continues: they become responsible all over again, they feel more shame, and become even more controlling. Gray writes,Ultimately, to promote attachment, a great deal of control has to be taken from children.
A vital part of successful attachment between children and their adoptive parents involves regaining trust. It requires that the child let go of control, and it involves the parent creating a safe environment where the child can be a child again. In a healthy attachment, a child must believe that they deserve to be loved and cared for--that the wrong that was done to them was not their fault.
The truth is, none of us escape the effects of sin. We all have a moment or moments when our own trust and innocence crumbles, when it is exchanged for the lie that we are unloveable, insignificant, responsible, careless, flawed, dirty, stupid...fill in the blank. We all have shame. We’ve all been harmed in one way or another. The assault may look different for each of us--divorce, drug abuse, depression, death, illness, car accidents, sexual abuse, physical violence, addiction, legalism, betrayal, manipulation, neglect, etc--but the effects are similar: we feel foolish for trusting others, we feel ashamed of who we are, and we learn control as an alternative method.
In a way, we all suffer from attachment disorders when it comes to our relationship with God.
Don’t we?
We don’t always trust Him. We doubt His goodness. We clamor for control. We don’t let Him take care of us. We’re angry. We try to be our own parent and take care of ourselves.
I find it interesting that Jesus says that if we want to follow Him, we must come to Him as little children. Innocent. Playful. Trusting. Restful.
I also find it interesting that scripture says,
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. --Ephesians 1:5
This week is Passion week--the final week of Christ’s life before He went to the Cross. Over the past few days, I’ve been mindful that God gave up His Son, Jesus, in order that He might adopt us as sons and daughters. God saw us as we were--traumatized children, running around trying to take care of ourselves, operating out of our shame and fear, assuming too much responsibility, trying to control our lives because we are so afraid of when the next assault is going to hit--and in His unfathomable love, He came to our rescue.
God has adopted us. He wants us to attach to Him. He wants to heal us. He wants to protect us, to be a safe place for us, to give us rest. He wants us to believe His heart for us is good and faithful. He wants us to trust Him, to love Him. He wants us to surrender control. He wants us to be children again; He wants to be our parent.
Attaching to God seems to involve finding that innocent child inside of us--the one that was harmed and shamed--and reclaiming him or her. It involves allowing God to take care of this child. It means that we let Him redeem what this child lost. He's the only one who can.
And the good news is, even when we kick and scream and rage...even when we push Him away and act as if He’s going to abandon us...even when we won’t let Him take care of us and act like He’s going to harm us...He still pursues us in love. He doesn’t back down. We aren’t too much for Him. His love is relentless.
Since starting this adoption process, I’ve read several places that that “adoption reflects the heart of God.”
As I dig deeper into the nitty-gritty of what might be involved in becoming an adoptive parent, I’m starting to see that this is true. As an adoptive mom, I want to erase all the neglect and abandonment that our son has most likely experienced. I know I can’t undo it, but I want to be a place of rest for him. I want to love him, protect him. I want to give him a chance to be a child again.
And more and more, I can hear God asking if I’ll let Him do the same for me."
Thursday, April 21, 2011
After the diagnosis...
Ok, so now what? What do we do with all this information being thrown our way? Cry. Check. Get mad. Check. Breathe. Check. Move!
Those who know me well, know that when a challenge is placed before me, I attack in full force and move into gear as quickly as possible. Beth (our therapist) started flooding us with information about what we needed to do, where we needed to go, decisions that needed to be made....and this Momma took furious notes and started working on things as soon as we got home. I mean, if there is a problem, doggone it...I'm going to start working on a solution.
I took the next day off from work so that I could start working through all that needed to be done, all the phone calls that needed to be made, etc. Yay! Another checklist :)
Our life as we knew it, immediately changed. Our home was slowly but surely becoming a 24/7 therapy center.
The first decision that we made was to remove Maggie from school. It was not an easy decision by any means, but we had discussed it with Beth and she honestly didn't feel that it was in Maggie's best interest to be there. So, we contacted the principle, who was already aware of what was going on, and explained that Maggie would not be returning. She was so sweet about it and completely understood. I went up to the school the next day to pick up all of Maggie's things and just about broke down with each of the different teachers that Maggie had or interacted with. Oh how they loved Maggie and they were all so sad to hear of what was going on. They all gave this sad Momma big hugs, shed tears with me and promised to pray for her, as I truly believe that they will. One of her teachers later told me, after running into her at HEB, that the class was so boring now that Maggie was gone. It was if the life left that room. I appreciated that.
We were worried how Maggie would react to not returning to school but honestly, it hasn't been bad at all. For the first few days, she asked when she was going back and kept asking if it was Saturday again, knowing that she didn't go to school on Saturday. We just explained to her that she was going to be staying at home with Daddy during the day and working on school things with him for a while...and thankfully, she was ok with that. Every now and then, she will ask about school but mostly she just remembers things and mentions memories of the good times she had. We're thankful that this wasn't a catastrophic event in her life, as honestly, we thought it would be. Thank you Jesus! Honestly, the only real challenge was that Maggie was used to me waking her up early every morning and getting her ready for school, and now that Daddy wakes her up and does that, she wasn't too happy about that change. But she has since learned to deal with it :)
One of the main things that Beth told us was that Maggie was spending too much time away from us and needed to spend more time with us (one of the other big reasons to pull her from school). Thankfully (we can say thankfully!) Michael is unemployed (although doing some contract work here and there) and is able to be at home with Maggie during the day. We are also thankful for my incredible boss who has always been more than willing to accomodate me in my schedule ever since Maggie came home. So, I told him about all that was going on and without even asking, he offered for me to change up my hours as needed. So, I now work from 6am-2pm (yes, it's a very early morning start for me!) and I take over when I get home. Michael takes the morning shift and I get the afternoon shift. So far, so good.
I then began working on getting Maggie re-evaluated for occupational therapy, since she was denied earlier in the year. We found a great place in the Woodlands that has a sensory integration specialist on their team and we were able to get in for an evaluation for OT and speech therapy there as well (in hopes of not having to go to 3 different therapy centers each week!) Praise the Lord - they accepted her and we will start OT and ST with them in May.
Beth highly suggested that we see a neurologist to see what else might be going on with Maggie medically. There is a wonderful group of doctors who work specifically with kids like Maggie. Great news - they take Medicaid. Bad news - they're not in Houston. So, on May 2nd, we will head out to Austin to have a full workup done on Maggie. They do everything in house and you walk out with their diagnosis and treatment plan all in the same day. We are really anxious to see what happens with this appointment.
Horse therapy has been recommended but we have had a really hard time finding a place that either 1) will take kids as young as Maggie and/or 2) has any openings. She absolutely loves the ride horses and they have proven to be very therapeutic...so we are still working on that. It has not been crossed off my checklist...yet.
We had Maggie evaluated for the PPCD program at the local elementary school. This is the program for children with disabilities. All 3 of her therapists, including her former teachers, all felt that she needed to be in this program and would qualify. Apparently they were all wrong. Maggie didn't even qualify for speech therapy in the public school. But I'm not going to get started on that. In the end, Michael & I both prayed for clear guidance on whether or not this program would be the best fit for Maggie, and we clearly got our answer. We are considering placing her in the Pre-K program in the fall (which she is eligible for due to being a former foster child) because they will have no choice but to help her - as they can't deny services and can't remove her. We are still praying about that. Registration isn't until August, so we still have some time.
Seems like a lot, right?! Well, it is...and I haven't even begun to tell you about all the therapy that we have to do at home - but that will be for another post.
So right now, we're doing all that we can to work on Maggie's emotional and behavioral issues. She is in therapy 6 hours a week, outside of the home and the home therapy that we have to do is getting close to 4 hours a day. To say that this has changed our lives would be an understatement.
Loving and living with a traumatized child means embracing a love like no other. It is love lived out every day in a new and unfamiliar way. It is commitment cemented through the challenges and struggles of uncertainty. It is a life journey walked on unknown paths. It is a faith, a hope, a vision that the future will hold something far better than what you are experiencing now and perhaps ever dreamed possible.
"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised...I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jeremiah 29:11 The Message)
When all hope is gone...give God time. He can and does make a way.
This is our hope. This is our prayer. This is what we are claiming today...and every day.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Pictures Posted
Make sure you scroll down for all the recent picture-filled posts....I've been a little behind lately :(
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Living and Loving
I've been thinking about this blog post for about a month now but honestly haven't had the physical energy to sit down and write it out, or the emotional stamina to put it into words. Life has been.....difficult. (Side note...I actually started writing this a month ago, so now it's 2 months in the making...today is April 19th)
Things have really changed with Maggie over the past 2 months. I shared with some of you the struggles that we have had with Maggie as of late. What we hoped was just another "cycle" that would soon pass, has turned into a life-changing event that we will be dealing with for a long time.
From what we can determine, things really started going downhill when Maggie turned 4 at the end of January, when we decided to take away her bottle. We had tried 3 other times, unsuccessfully, but felt, for many reasons, that the time was now. We created a big fun chart to countdown to NO MORE BABAS - putting a sticker over the day and once the chart was full, we would get rid of the baba. Maggie was actually on board with it (in theory) and loved putting the stickers on each day and kept telling us "when I turn 4, no more babas...I'm a big girl" and we made it out to be something fun and exciting. We knew that it would be difficult to break the habit and she did struggle with the loss of the baba for about a week. We tried to replace it with other things - anything - but it wasn't going to happen. Then one day, she eventually "got it" and never asked for it again.
We knew that Maggie's issue with needing the bottle was much deeper than just needing something to drink before bed. It was her security blanket of sorts. There was something about the sucking (because she could suck on that thing for hours, if you'd let her...it wasn't about what was in the bottle or even how much). Again, we prayed about it and felt it was the right time, knowing that it would be hard.
The next month proved to be incredibly hard. There were lots of meltdowns, outbursts, behaviorial issues, major listening (or lack thereof) issues, disobedience, and defiance at home....and then it started happening at school.
It's one thing when these things happen in private but another when it's happening in public for all to see. We were getting updates every day from her teachers about her behavior and that she was needing to be in time out at least once per day. Maggie has always been extremely high-spirited, active, hyper, busy, one to never sit still. But things just seemed to be on hydro-speed. She started having night terrors again and therefore wasn't getting good rest, which affected her start to the day, as well as leading to not taking a nap at school, so by the time I picked her up at 5 every night, she was an absolute mess.
After about a month of struggling with what to do, the following happening:
I took Maggie in to school late onemorning (8am versus 6:30). She was up late the night before because of speech therapy, so I wanted to give her a little extra sleep. She was fine until we got to school. She refused to let me leave. I sat with her a while, hoping that would help - it didn't. After 30 minutes, I finally left to her screaming bloody murder...kicking and hitting, slamming her head in the door. I could hear her all the way down around the other side of the building. I came back and sat outside her door, hoping she'd calm down. She never did. The director came to see what was going on and she went in there and apparently calmed her down. They told me to go ahead and leave. I was about to just take her home- but didn't want to start that because I didn't want her to think that everytime she acted up, she could go home. I called the principle later that day and she told me that she finally settled down but was still not happy. Rachel expressed her concern over Maggie's aggression and said that we really needed to discuss it -it was not only affecting her, but also the teachers and the other kids in the class. Maggie's become extremely disruptive, not listening at all and Rachel didn't see how it will be possible for her to move up to the 4 yr old class in the fall (at this point). So, I explained we were going to get her evaluated on Monday by a psychotherapist/behavorial therapist who specializes in foster care/traumatized kiddos. Rachel was happy to hear that. I just didn't know what to do.Should we pull her out and find some other place - we were hopeful that this would be a good fit for her, due to small classes, etc...but apparently she's becoming too much for them to care for. They recommended one-on-one teaching for her. Michael & I were just beside ourselves.
Move forward -- meet with the psychotherapist named Beth. She's been doing this for 30 years and we know quite a few families who have gone to her and they all say that she has literally saved their lives. So, with that, we were hopeful. My prayer that morning was that Maggie would NOT be on her best behavior...you know what I mean....like when you go to the mechanic and they can't find anything wrong with your car, only to have it break down the next day. Well, the Lord answered my prayers....oh did He! Within 10 minutes of being in her office, Maggie had her first of 4 meltdowns...and they were DOOZIES. While I was embarassed, saddened, exhausted, frustrated, etc...I was relieved. Beth could see first hand what we were dealing with as parents and would be able to get a true picture of all that is going on with Maggie.
After 4 hours of observation and evaluation, Maggie was diagnosed with the following disorders:
1. Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
2. OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder)
3. ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder)
4. SID (Sensory Integration Disorder)
5. RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)
Ok....let's all breathe.....breathe....breathe.....
We knew about the SID already, as her previous therapist had diagnosed her with this but we hadn't been able to find anyone who could help her. We had her evaluated for Occupational Therapy (OT) and she was denied because she passed the tests with "flying colors" - showing that she tested at a 6 yr old level. This particular place would not accept her on sensory issues alone, which is all she struggles with on the OT side of things. So, we weren't surprised with that diagnosis. We also knew about her OCD issues. We suspected the RAD and ODD diagnosis and were prepared to hear that, but we had no inkling of the cPTSD issue. Honestly, we really only thought that happened with war veterans, but the more we read up on it and understand it, it makes perfect sense.
Complex PTSD is the presence of prolonged, repeated trauma...which is what the majority of kids in foster care have experienced. Children exposed to complex trauma (chronic maltreatment, abuse, neglect, etc) often have impairment in several areas of their lives, such as attachment, biology, emotional regulation, behavorial control, and cognition...just to name a few. So the way I read this is that c-PTSD has the potential of explaining the alphabet soup of labels many of our kids get.
It's all been just a bit overwhelming....um...that would be the understatement of the year. It's been completely overwhelming. It's exhausting, frustrating, and breaks this momma (and her daddy's) heart. We are taking things day by day, and sometimes hour by hour....and trusting and believing that the God who saved Maggie and blessed us with her as our daughter, is NOT finished with her yet.
Now that we know this....what in the world do we do?! More to come....
Monday, April 18, 2011
Car show fun without the cars
Backyard Fun
Oh how she has grown!
Trip to the Children's Museum
