It's been rough

Maggie appeared to be doing so much better this time around than after the last visit. She was able to take a bath as usual, whereas the last time, I had to get in the tub with her. She was able to go to sleep, albeit late, on her own, without having to fall asleep in my arms. So, when I put her down for sleep, my heart was more at rest because I hoped that maybe this time was different.

About 2am, Michael & I woke up the shrills of screaming. Oh no. Not again. So, I ran in there to comfort my baby and found her in the fetal position (this is how she slept for 2 weeks after the last visit). Poor baby was still asleep but having a nightmare. I gently shook her to get her out of it, she stopped screaming, reached up for me and I rocked her back to sleep. She woke up a few more times, we repeated the cycle and eventually she was up for the day @ 7:30. We had hoped to go to church, but it just wasn't going to happen.

This is where the day gets long and looks just like the last time. Maggie won't let go of me, she has a complete breakdown when I put her down (even for a minute). she won't go to Michael...only me. When I do put her down, she's very aggressive on herself, trying to inflict pain.

This went on all day and evening. She finally wore herself out at to fall asleep at 9pm. She didn't stir or make a peep all night...until 5am, when once again, we were awakened by the screams. There is nothing worse than waking up to the terrifying screams of your baby! This time, I just scooped her up and brought her in bed with us. She seemed much more relaxed but still clung on to me and wanting to hold Michael's hand. She slept for another 2 hours and now we're up again.

As of right now, she is laying down in the beanbag chair, covered in her favorite blankie, drinking her milk and watching her favorite show, Dora the Explorer...and I'm able to sit here and blog. So, I'm hopeful that today will be a better day. A better day for Maggie. It's not about me. Don't get me wrong ~ I am exhausted. I am frustrated. My heart is hurting for my baby...but that's what being a Momma is all about. You carry the world on you for your child. You do whatever it takes to protect them, care for them, love them. It's been rough...but God is still good.

Maggie's CPS caseworker is coming out this afternoon for his monthly visit. It was scheduled long before the visit was ever mentioned...so maybe this is a good timing after all.