Adoption Day!!!

On January 26th, 2007
Michael & I made the decision to pursue adoption
On that very same day, unbeknown to us,
Maggie Joy was born.

It would take almost 17 months
for us to be united with our child.

As believers
We are called to love the orphans

Our hearts had been broken for orphans for many years
And He showed us
How our hearts would be healed in our brokenness
By loving one deeper

The God who promised to place the lonely in families
Chose ours
to bring home an orphan
to bring home love
to bring home a daughter.

We stepped out in faith
Started a new journey
Months of paperwork, home studies, & classes completed

And we waited, and waited, and waited
for her

Then the phone call came
and we had a daughter!

Our hearts knew she was
meant to be raised in our home....
in our family....
in our love.

We waited patiently (well...)for rights to be terminated
Court dates to be issued
We got a court date...and then...
I got sick.
We asked everyone to pray and we rested in God's plan

That brought us into a new year
More requirements
More classes
More delays

Trusting that He cares for the orphan even more
than we do.
Trusting that He who called us...
would complete it.

We are so thankful we didn't settle
for being comfortable
When we opened that door
1 year, 10 months and 10 days ago
We thought life was good
but really....
it just got better...

And this...
is only the beginning.

Don't settle for less
than following the amazing plan
that God has for your life

Because it will not only change your life
but it will most definitely also change
somebody else's.

(a detailed post of the actual adoption day is coming!)

It's been emotionally hard....

Whew ~ things have been rough the past few weeks. Maggie has had some really tough evenings.  For the past 2 weeks, she has had some sort of tantrum every night....and most of the time, I couldn't tell you what significant thing triggered it, because in our minds, it wasn't significant.  You know what I mean? 

I answered my phone. Tantrum.
I turned off the tv in her play room when she was bathing. Tantrum.
Michael laughed at her (playfully). Tantrum.
Ketchup was put on her plate like it always is. Tantrum.
Moved my phone when she was apparently thinking of playing with it. Tantrum.
Put her in the tub with the water running, like always. Tantrum.

You can see why I say, none of these things seemed significant.

And when I say tantrum, this is what I mean: screaming blood murder. slapping herself and anyone else near her. throwing everything around her. spitting. hissing. anything to move around. will NOT sit/stay still.  Oh she's mad but more than that, her screaming is sheer terror. She's absolutely terrified. Those aren't screams of anger. They are fear. 

We had our worst one ever last week.  Never have we seen Maggie like this before.  It was the moment where I moved my phone when I was on the couch and she was on the other side of the room. She apparently saw me move it and she.lost.it!  I even offered it to her to play with but she wouldn't have anything to do with.  I knew that this wasn't going to be just a little tantrum.  We've learned to decipher what kind it will be and possibly how long it will take.  This was one of those that was going to require me to put her in a hold.  We've been trained to know what to do. To hold tightly without harming. It's truly a way to try and keep her calm and give her some safety and for us to be able to comfort her, rather than her soothing herself, much less hurt herself.

So, I scoop her up and cradle her like a baby.  She weighs about 30 pounds. Not big deal when she's relaxed but in this state, it felt more like 60 pounds.  I was holding her, trying to calm her down by talking to her softly, restraining her gently and I could hardly hold on to her. I didn't want to pass her on to Michael too quickly, because then it comes across as a manipulation...but after 30 minutes, I couldn't hold her any longer. I was absolutely drenched in sweat, my arms were shaking from holding her in that position for that long and I was losing it (not in an angry way, just emotionally).

I got up and handed her to Michael and he continued where I left off.  He immediately started to pray over her.  Her screaming became louder. She yelled at Michael to stop praying.  I had my hands over my sweet girl and I lost it. First it was just a few gentle tears, then a gushing and then heaving sobs. I didn't want to scare Maggie, so I left the room and just fell to pieces.

What in the world happened to our precious girl that causes her so much fear? How badly was she abused/neglected that this is all she knows how to do. It was the most gut wrenching moment of my parenting to date. I finally regained my composure and joined them on the couch. Maggie still in the same state. Michael still praying. We felt a very strong presence in our house that night.  We begged the Lord to protect her, to make her feel safe, for the devil to flee. We truly felt under attack.  At one point, Maggie looked at Michael and said in a very deep voice: "Stop praying, Daddy. NOW!" She then said in a gentle voice, "Momma, you can pray for me"  And I did. I prayed prayed prayed.  She began to calm down.  She then asked me to hold her.  And I did.

I picked her up and she grabbed my neck and said, "I love you Momma. Thank you for praying for me."  Whew. Even now, writing this, tears fill my eyes and I am so thankful that our Heavenly Father is protecting us, watching over us, and giving us safe haven each and every day.

It's rough. It's frustrating. It's sad. It's hard.  It's more than I can handle at times. And I am a "fixer" and I can't fix her.  BUT GOD....in His infinite wisdom called us to be this precious child's parents and He is giving us what we need, when we need it...even if we feel like we don't know what to do. There are so many times when I think I don't know what God was doing calling us to do this, but when my sweet girl tells me she loves me and thanks me for praying, I figure I must be doing something right! 

So, we press on, love more, pray deeper and take each day as it comes.  Some days are better than others and we're even more grateful for those days. But on the hard days, we experience so much more love, protection and hope for our daughter than we ever thought possible.

Mother's Day Photoshoot

Oh how I love this incredibly sweet, beautiful, sensitive, funny little girl :)

What a difference a year makes!

First swim of the year - May 2009

First Swim of the Year - May 2010

One Proud Momma & Daddy

We received Maggie's first school progress report last week. There were alot of benchmarks met and things she's still working on, but we were overjoyed when we read Ms. Renee's comments on the back of the report. I don't know what we expected to read, but we were truly so proud to see how far Maggie has come since she started at her new school just a few months ago. When we read the note to Maggie, she was grinning from ear to ear. Maggie Joy ~ we are so proud of you and are so happy that you like your school and have made so many friends. Momma & Daddy love you so much!

Mother's Day

A dear friend called me this weekend and in the midst of catching up on everything, she asked me a question that made me stop and think.  "Court, is your life what you expected? Is this how you pictured it?"

Honestly, no. It's not. I had invisioned being married right after college, having my 4 children by the age of 30, and being a stay at home mom.

Well, that didn't happen....and every year that passed, I wondered, "Well, God, when are you going to give me the desires of my heart?"  I prayed that one day it would come true but I just had to keep waiting.

I turned 30 and not only did I not have 4 children by then, but I was also still single.  I just knew that I was doomed (ha!) However, 1 month before I turned 31, I met the love of my life. 10 months later we were married and due to our "age" & the fact that I already knew of my fertility issues, we started fertility treatments right away.  Every month came and went and still no baby. Could I be happy without a child in my life?  I just couldn't imagine it. I was born to be a mother. I just knew that there was no way that God was going to leave me motherless, with the desires that He had placed in my heart. 

We kept trying and trying. Spending more money. Enduring great physical pain, financial strain and incredible emotional stress.  One day I just gave up. I just couldn't do it anymore.  Michael was more than ready for us to pursue other means to starting our family, but I wasn't ready to give up on that desire, that hope, that need to carry my own baby to term and deliver my flesh and bone.  Michael prayed. I begged. He surrendered. I gave up. 

Please don't misunderstand what I'm about to say...but since I don't think I have any male readers anyway, I'm pretty sure that you'll get what I'm talking about.  There is something so innate about becoming a mother. I couldn't remember a time of not wanting to be a mom. It was just the way it was. It was all I wanted. I didn't want to be anything or anyone else. Just a mom. I couldn't wait to be pregnant.  And while Michael was ready to move forward, I seriously needed to grieve.  Oh, he grieved too. He wanted a child of his own, but he was ok with not having a natural child, before I was. It was much more difficult for me.  It was a deep loss of a lifelong dream. 

About a year after giving fertility treatments a break, I was ready to move on.  We prayed about it and felt called to adopt through the foster care system.  It was scary. It was tedious. It was emotionally draining. It was just as emotional as physically trying to have our own child, just without the physical pain.  The road was not easy. We hit lots of bumps in the road but 18 months later, we were given the greatest blessing in the gift of our daughter, Maggie Joy.

(Maggie's 1st day home)

Oh how I prayed that I would love her as my own, but deep down inside I wondered if that was even truly possible. But the moment we opened the door, and that sweet tiny girl walked into our home, my heart was her's. That was it. Amazing. Only God could do something so miraculous as that!

Last year I celebrated my first Mother's Day and it was incredibly special. I was finally a mom. 

First Mother's Day

This is my 2nd Mother's Day and I feel even more blessed to be called Maggie's Momma. I love her more today that I did yesterday, and I'm sure that I will love her even more tomorrow, than I do today. 

2nd Mother's Day

So, when my friend asked me if this is what I expected and what I thought my life would look like ~ the answer is still no.  And I'm certainly glad for it, as I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on this for the world.

A trip to the Aquarium

It was a spur of the moment decision ~ hey, Maggie, want to go to the aquarium? OH YEAH!!!!! screamed Maggie...and within about 10 minutes, we were out the door. I had never been there so it was going to be a new experience for both of us. It ended up being a beautiful day and not too crowded, so we picked a good time to go.

We started off with the exhibit of all the fish and underwater creatures. Maggie was just so excited to see all the "fishies" and was always trying to find Nemo and Dori.

This is the face she made when she saw the huge python....

Just dying to stick her whole hand in there!

Such a beautiful tiger. Maggie really wanted to go in and pet the nice tiger.  Um, no...don't think so honey.

Maggie trying to imitate the Tiger

This girl could ride the carousel all.day.long!

Yep, that's right...my girl way up high on the ferris wheel.  NO FEAR!  We rode the ferris wheel twice!

While we had a great time and Maggie wouldn't know the difference, I do have to say that I found the aquarium itself quite disappointing and definitely over priced. However, you only do places for the first time once....I definitely recommend Moody Gardens in Galveston over the Downtown Aquarium...but my sweet girl had so much fun.

First swim of the year

It was my niece's (Samantha) 4th birthday and they had a pool party to celebrate. Even though it was hot outside and the pool had been heating for 2 days, the water was still way too cold for me. However, it didn't stop my little fish. Better watch out ~ she's ready to jump right in and just trusts that you will catch her!

Some fun pictures from the day: