The events of the day

I was on the other side of town this morning when I received a voicemail message at home stating that I was to bring Maggie for a visit with her birth mother in 3 hours. We knew that the visit was a possibility earlier in the week, but assumed that since we hadn't heard anything as of 10am this morning, that we were not going to have to deal with a visit...and we rejoiced. However...that was a little too soon, because we got the call @ 11am. Immediately I contacted Maggie's CASA worker to see if she was going to be at the visit. She didn't know anything about it. She immediately got on the phone and started making calls and I waited...why is this happening? Is CPS allowed to just give me 3 hours notice? Why are they pushing it? What about the best interest of the child? Everyone seems to have forgotten about that.

After many phone calls and deliberation, I was informed that I didn't have a choice. That I had to have Maggie at the visit at 2pm. They were not going to reschedule due to the fact that I wasn't home or in the area. They said that telling me last Wednesday that the visit might happen today, was enough warning and that I should've kept my day open and waiting for their call. (Sure. The last Saturday before Christmas. Ok). So the timing was my first issue.

My 2nd issue was that I was told that CPS would not be at the visit, but it would actually take place at a therapist's office, with the therapist supervising the visit. CPS would not be present, and neither would CASA. I was given an address and told to show up at 2pm. Issue with that? Security. Now, BM knows our name...now she can find out what car we drive, what our license plates are and/or better yet, follow us home. (This is something that CPS warned us about the last time ~ hence me dropping Maggie off in a back alley and handing her off to a CPS worker for the last visit). Guess they forgot about that. I brought up my concerns, and they said not to worry about it because BM would be there before me and can't leave until after me. Ok...what about her ride? What about police protection? Maggie's mother is a flight risk. Who's going to help if she tries to take Maggie? The therapist? Again, I was told it wasn't something for me to be concerned about. Ok. Sure.

I frantically call everyone that I know. I call my mom & dad at home...no answer. I call my mom's cell. no answer. my dad's cell. no answer. my best friend's house. no answer. her cell. no answer. and the list goes on...no one was answering their phone. Where is everyone? Oh yeah...it's the Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure they're just sitting at home, waiting for me to call them. I finally text my parents to basically tell them that I wasn't just calling to chat. Please call me.

My dad called and I said hi...and then broke down crying. Michael had to take the phone and tell him what was going on. Basically we needed to see if they could meet us in Conroe, switch cars so that I could drop Maggie off in a car that did not belong to us, so that we couldn't be traced. Dad said he'd call right back. Well, it was actually Mom. She said "what do you need us to do? Where do we need to be?" I told them that it wasn't for a couple of hours, so they could go back and enjoy the movie that I unfortunately interupted (I did apologize profusely but didn't feel as bad when they told me it was the most depressing movie they'd seen!).

In the meantime, our CASA worker dropped everything she was doing and drove to the therapist's office and was there before the BM even arrived, to ensure that she had an assessment of the situation. She was not allowed to take notes but she was able to observe the visitation. She has been a wonderful blessing to us!

We get on our way to the therapist office, hit tons of traffic, Maggie falls asleep. We're running late. I'm waiting on Mom & Dad to arrive at our meeting place. I see them coming. I jump out of the car. Take extra car seat out of back seat. Put in mom and dad's car. Wake Maggie up. Put her in the carseat really fast. Confused baby sitting next to me. Throw her bag in the car. Set out to find the therapist's office. We're 5 minutes late. Please don't be upset with us. It's been a rough day.

We find the office. Therapist is outside waiting. BM and CASA are inside. They cannot see us. We survey the area for cars, etc. Nothing looks suspicious. I take Maggie out of her car seat. She starts crying and grabbing. Doesn't want to let go. I hand her over to the therapist, trying to be happy and cheerful. She doesn't want me to leave. Cries for Momma. Arms stretched out...reaching. We wait until she goes inside. My dad said we needed to make sure that Maggie didn't think that we left her. (thanks, Dad!) Dad begins to back out and I start sobbing. There is nothing to say, but my mom's gentle pat on my knees is more than enough.

We go to Panera where I explain the events of the afternoon and how everything transpired.

It's been almost 2 hours. Time to head back. We drive around and again, check out the surroundings. We park on a side street. As we're waiting, we see a car that looks suspicious. Person looks even more suspicious. Gut tells me that this is BM's new husband. Tell Dad to park somewhere else. We drive around and wait to get the phone call. The suspicious car parks oddly and we avoid it. Receive phone call. Heart is racing. I want to get my daughter and run as fast as I can. Dad barely has car in park when my feet hit the concrete. At the door, I see the sweet face of my daughter...mouthing Momma...Momma...and banging on the door to get out. She comes running to me and buries her face in my chest. We say our goodbyes, get in the car and Dad speeds off. Maggie looks around and sees Nana, Dandy and Momma and she lets out a long deep soul filling sigh....it was if she could breathe...she could relax...she was safe. Dad drives out a different way and speeds off to where my car is. No long goodbyes. Just thanks...call you later...gotta go. And we were off. Once I was on the interstate, I relaxed a little and waited for CASA to call me to let me know what happened.

I was told that emotionally this visit was better on Maggie, in that she didn't have a complete meltdown when she encountered the BM, but she didn't want to have anything to do with her. BM didn't really do anything or say anything to her, without the coaching of the therapist. They let Maggie do her own thing and then tried to work within those areas. I was told that the BM kept saying "come to Mommy or where is Momma" and Maggie always went to the door or was looking around trying to find me. That made me feel good :) She knows who her momma is!

Our CASA worker said that Maggie's reactions today were a direct reflection of how very well she has adjusted and bonded to us, that she feels safe and secure in her new home and that she knows who her momma and daddy are. We are thankful.

So far tonight, Maggie has been quite clingy and a bit emotional but she did finally go down to bed, without too much fight. This was not the case last time. So, we are praying that she gets a peaceful night's rest and does not have any of the horrible nightmares she experienced last visit.

I have to be honest and say that I am absolutely spent...I have cried more today than I have in months. I have a horrible headache. My heart hurts for my baby. I don't know what is going to happen next. So, all we can do is trust in the Lord and in His continued faithfulness to protect us, provide for us, guide us and love us. He is our strength. He is our hope. He is our Father. So we lean on Him, trust in Him, and give Him all of our doubts and fears...for we know that He has already conquered the battle...we just have to push through the fight. If ever there was a time for us to walk the walk of the talk ... it is now.

Please pray for us as we continue to love Maggie and give her the best home that we can. Pray for Maggie as she encounters these visits and other disruptions, that her little heart will be protected. Pray that we won't live in fear but in knowing that victory is ours.

We love you all and appreciate your prayers and encouragement, friendship & love during this difficult times.