Dear Pediatrician - my true thoughts

Dear Pediatrician,

I did what every parent would do when their child wakes up sick. I called your office and made an appointment. We didn't have to wait too long before being put into a room and your nurse was so very nice. You could tell that she really loves kids, as she was more than sweet to my daughter.

We waited in the room for about 15 minutes, which of course, feels like an eternity with a high energy sick 2 1/2 year old. You entered the room and completely ignored me. You didn't acknowledge me at all. You just picked up the chart, starting writing something, sat in your chair and proceeded to listen to my daughter's chest with your stethoscope. Those stethoscopes sure are fun to little kiddos, as you witnessed when my daughter constantly reached for it and touched it. Did you not know that? Is this something new to you? I wondered if that was the case, since you were very abrupt and almost mean to my daughter for wanting to touch it. Moving on. You go to check her ears and nose with the light scope. Fine. She's had that done many times before. Never bothered her before yesterday. I'm pretty sure it's because you didn't let her know what you were doing before hand or show her the light, like all other doctors and nurses have done in the past. Something to consider. After all of that, now you ask rather harshly for her to open her mouth and say "aaaaaahhhhh". She didn't want to. (wonder why?) So you stand up, march over to the wall and grab a tongue depressor and say, open up and say "aaahhh" or I'll have to do it the hard way (while waving the tongue depressor in front of her face). Sure, she opened up and I do believe that when she stuck her tongue out at you, it was not because she was trying to be agreeable :)

You continued to write more in her chart. My daughter is walking around the room making noises, talking, etc. You ask me, "how old is she?" I said: "2 1/2" I'm thinking....all you have to do is look at her chart. I could also tell that something else was about to happen. You proceeded to ask me the following questions: "Why isn't she talking more?" "Have you had her evaluated for her delays?" "Doesn't she know how to stay quiet in a public place?" "Do you read to her? If you do, then you're not reading enough." Before I could pick up my jaw and respond, my daughter reaches for her bottle that is my purse. Oh great...here we go. You went on to say, "She is 2 1/2 years old and she is still on a bottle? She is way too old to be on a bottle". I'm still in shock and trying to compose myself and not scream at you...when you tell me that my daughter is behind on her shots. You asked me why I've allowed that to happen and why don't I care enough to have her vaccinated? With my blood now boiling, I explained to you that the last visit we had, the PA told me that my daughter was finally up to date on shots. And we rejoiced. Now you're telling me that she still has 3 shots left? I was told that these were optional. You interrupted me and said, I don't know why you think that, I am the doctor. She has 3 shots left. (side note to those reading this, while your child is in foster care, if the doctor recommends/dictates something, you don't have the authority to refuse). Fine. Give her the shots. She already feels crappy anyway - why don't we just add more to the day.

Ok...that's it...listen here lady. I understand that you are the doctor. That's why I am here. If I could write the prescription myself or go to another doctor, I would. However, I am not a doctor. I am a momma. I am here to protect my child. So, I come to you for help. I am fully aware of the fact that my daughter does not have the vocabulary that some other 2 1/2 year olds do. I also know that she is very active and makes a lot of noise. And yes, I do read to her everyday and she loves it. I believe that I am doing everything in my power to expand her vocabulary and enhance her skills. I also understand that most 2 1/2 year olds aren't on the bottle anymore. She wouldn't normally have the bottle with her in the middle of the day, but if you recall, she is sick. She didn't want to drink anything unless it was in the bottle. I figured that getting liquids in was more important than the container they were in. So I gave her the bottle...and you know what, I hesitated to even bring it in your office today because I knew that you would make a comment about it. But, I was looking out for my daughter's best interest...and at that particular moment, drinking from the bottle was more vital than the anger in hearing what you were going to say.

I am fully aware of all these things, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I worry about these things more deeply than you can even imagine. I don't like to bring up my child's history in front of everyone, especially her, because she doesn't need to feel different and I fear that she will start to understand some of the negativity that comes from these conversations. Next time, think before you speak. And whatever negative thoughts you have, keep them to yourself. You can't possibly have anything to say that we haven't already said to ourselves.If I could hide my daughter's history of abuse and neglect in the first 17 months of her little life, I would do it in a heartbeat. But that's not reality. Reality is this: my daughter lived in 40 different places before she turned 17 months. For most of that time, she was left alone to lay in a crib with a bottle for 18+ hours a day. Never to be held. Never to be changed or fed. Never to be hugged or loved on. So you see, for the last year, my husband and I have done everything that we can to ensure that our daughter is loved and cared for. And if that means that she still takes a bottle, isn't potty trained, delayed in her vocabulary, high spirited in nature, too loud for most people's liking at the age of 2 1/2 but feels loved, secure and safe with her momma and daddy, then I think we've done our job.

After all, I'm just a momma lovin' on her sweet girl....

Connections & Community

Through this wonderful thing we call a blog, I have been blessed to join so many on their journeys. Journeys of life ~ whether it was a medical crisis, a newborn baby, a recent marriage, friends' daily lives, funny stories & pictures, but many of the journeys involved infertility, foster care and adoption (all 3 very close to my heart). While each person's journey is different, there is still an instant connection with many...when you find someone that understands what you are going through. Maybe it's because they have walked the same path and they are leading the way for you or maybe now you've become the leader to someone new on their journey. Whatever it is, it's community. Common interests, common issues ~ a place to come together and know that you're not alone.

This weekend, I had the awesome privilege to finally sit down face to face with 2 great women within my community. The 3 of us are interconnected in so many ways. We know so many of the same people and yet only met because of our blogs and because of our journeys within the foster care system. When we finally got to hug each other on Saturday, it was if we'd always had those hugs. It was so neat to just be able to talk and share our experiences, each one very different, and yet still the same. You see, the foster care/ adoption community is small and we yearn to know those that know what it's like. It's not easy. People don't understand. It was so nice to be able to just talk and not have to explain what I mean...and to just know that they knew what I was saying.

Jocelyn has already had 6 little ones in her home in 2 1/2 years, Jess has just been licensed for foster care and we've gone the foster-to-adopt route with Maggie. Even though our journeys are different, we are connected.

To know you are not alone is a powerful gift. To know that you can share your deepest struggles with parenting a neglected & abused child & not feel ashamed or a horrible parent is priceless. It's wonderful to be able to let our guards down, to be honest, and to know that we understand.

Thank you, sweet sisters, for the time spent together on Saturday. I appreciate you both, more than words, and so thankful that the Lord brought us into each others' lives.

Sleep Test Results

I finally got a hold of someone @ TCH today. Maggie's surgeon is out of the country but the nurse was nice enough to pull the test results for us. She could only tell me that Maggie's test came back showing she has moderate to severe apnea. She doesn't know how to interpret the results, so she had a PA call me back.

The PA gave me the same results and said that we needed to have another sleep test done with the CPAP machine. She warned me that this is very rough on someone so young, but it needed to be done. She also said that the doctor would most likely want to do a scope to see if there were any other obstructions. Apparently the results were enough to cause concern, especially for someone Maggie's age. She went ahead and put in the order for the sleep test and we should be called in the next week or so to have it scheduled. Hopefully, we'll get lucky again and get a canceled spot and not have to wait too long. Thankfully we don't have to wait to see the doctor before having the test done, as the first available appointment to see her doctor is not until October 1st.

Being that Maggie's medicaid benefits will end when the adoption is final, we were hoping to get everything taken care of before then. She will be added to our policy as soon as she's legally ours, but medicaid pays for everything in full (and that's always a nice thing!) It is possible, that due to this new information, we might be able to get her Medicaid benefits extended. I'm not sure - still waiting to hear back from her CPS adoption worker.

As for the the adoption, we haven't heard anything new. We weren't holding our breath that we would actually get our denial paperwork last week, or to receive her complete file. So, maybe we'll learn something this week.

Hard to believe that it's already the end of July. The last year has definitely flown by!

90 days!

I remember C (foster care caseworker) telling us that Texas now has a 90 day waiting period on adoptions once rights are terminated. We likened it to a possible "appeal" time frame. We weren't worried but we thought...man, another 90 days?! Well, the 90 days were up yesterday and the time FLEW by. I seriously don't know where the last 3 months went?!

So today, E (CPS adoption worker) submitted our subsidy paperwork to the state. It's part of the process. We know we'll be denied because Maggie doesn't qualify. They should return the denial very quickly (hopefully by end of the week).

We are still waiting for the legal department to provide us with Maggie's complete case history file for us to review. I don't think that we'll learn anything new, but you never know?! But we're required to read it (not sure why anyone would chose NOT to?!) We're also supposed to review it for our/Maggie's protection. Our personal information should be redacted from the file, but it allows us another look to make sure nothing was missed.

As we mark these milestones ~ termination of rights, Gotcha Day, end of waiting period ~ we are reminded over and over again that God is in control, that His timing is perfect, and that every hiccup/frustration/delay in the process that we felt along our journey was all a part of His plan all along. It's a great reminder to just sit back and enjoy the journey. We'll get to where we need to be, when we need to get there!

Happy Gotcha Day!

I know most people use the term "Gotcha Day" for the date their adoption is finalized. But Michael & I feel very strongly that our Gotcha Day was one year ago today, when Maggie was brought to our home and our dream of becoming parents came true. What a blessing she is!

Happy first year together, sweet baby girl! We love you more than anything or anyone else in the world. You have brought us more joy than we could have ever imagined and have become such a big girl in just one year! We are so proud of you and love you so much.

Love you to the moon & back!
Momma & Daddy

As I finished up this post, the most beautiful song started playing from a new album I had just downloaded. I so wish that I could post the song for you to hear, but I can't find any video anywhere online, so the words will have to do for now.(or go and listen online!) This is our prayer for Maggie Joy - that the Lord will forever hold on to Maggie so that she will in turn, hold tightly to Jesus.

HOLD ON TO JESUS
by Erin O'Donnell from the album, Sing Over Me: Worship Songs & Lullabies

You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you
From the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you

The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
And being good's a losing fight
But remember what I've told you
Because the world will make you choose
Hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you

Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you

Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold on to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus
And she'll hold on tight to You

Who was that little girl.....

in the body of my Maggie last night? I didn't recognize her! I can't begin to tell you how positive the experience was with the sleep study last night.

Of course, there are always some delays in any appointment and last night was no different. We were told to be there @ 6pm for the study to start @ 7pm. They had 3 little ones to test that night and they were all running around in the play area having fun, while the parents chit-chatted @ what was going on with each child. They didn't bring us back to the lab until 7:30pm. Each family was given a fairly large room - the accommodations were very nice. Maggie immediately jumped up into her big bed, asked for her baba and seemed to be ready to go to sleep. Oh if it were only that easy! The tech told us to get comfortable and they'd be back @ 9pm (Maggie's normal bedtime) to get started. So, we got ready for night night and we put in Finding Nemo (her favorite!) I was MORE than happy to know that they had a DVD player. I seriously doubt that our evening would have gone as well as it had, if it hadn't been there.

9pm came and we got started. The techs were great. The one guy setting Maggie up was really good to show her how nothing was going to hurt, and even let her play with sticking the wires on him. She wasn't too sure about the long leads/wires on her legs, but once those were on and she could sit back down and watch Nemo she was ok. Then they measured her head, put all kinds of goopy sticky stuff all over her head and began to hook her up. There were wires everywhere. I was pretty amazed at how much was involved. There were also monitors on her chest for heart, a pulse ox on her finger (which she actually thought was very cool because it had a light on it) and some straps around her chest. The only thing that really bothered her were the 2 nasal cannulas/monitors placed in her nostrils and right under her nose. She cried for just a minute, tried to pull them out, but then seemed ok with it. They topped it all over with a stocking over her head to keep all the wires in place, and bunch of tape over that.

Here are a few pictures of all the tape, goop and wires that were used - just a few, don't you think?



There are a few questions they ask at the end to make sure that all the sensors are reading properly, etc. They asked Maggie to keep her eyes closed for 1 minute. I thought to myself, are you kidding me? But she did it. They told her to follow my finger from right to left, up and down without moving her head. She did it. They asked her to breathe just through her nose. She did it. And now just through her mouth. She did it. They asked her to move her right foot and then her left foot...and she did it. WHAT?! I was shocked! What a brave sweet little girl I have!

The 3 hours prior to the study actually starting, I was praying my heart out. Please Lord, let her be calm. Let this disruption not upset her. Let her behave (PLEASE!). Please no tantrums. If I'm honest, alot of the praying was so that it would be easier for me to deal with her. How selfish is that? Maggie is a VERY active, non-stop little girl. I have NEVER seen her sit still for an hour and a half, even to watch her favorite movie...let alone while people are bothering her. I don't know what came over my sweet child, but I was so thankful. And then I felt so badly for not having more confidence in her and for feeling so selfish. I knew that she was going to be just fine. The testing isn't painful but I just didn't think she would respond as well as she did. I can only say that Jesus was present in that room last night and there was a peace over Maggie's little body that I've never seen on her before. I was so thankful.

She fell asleep around 10:15 and she was woken up at 6:40 this morning. She usually goes to bed around 9 and wakes up around 8. So she definitely didn't get her hours in. However, her sleeping pattern was pretty much the same. I kept thinking, I sure hope this isn't like one of those times when you hear something in your car & when you finally take it in to the shop, nothing can be found. I kept thinking...watch us go through all of this and she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night, doesn't move, doesn't make any noises or cry out...but that wasn't the case. She had a typical night of rest. She wakes up about 4 - 5 times in the night, cries out for me or her bottle, and goes back to sleep. Evidence that she is not sleeping soundly or getting into a deep sleep. I don't think that she still has sleep apnea. I really do believe that the TNA surgery back in October corrected all of that. However, it's customary to test again after surgery and we wanted to make sure that we got it checked out. We should have the test results on Monday and we'll go from there.

I don't know how anyone can sleep with all of this...but she did it...with the help of her baba (bottle), boppie (pacifier), her favorite puppy from Nana & Nemo on the tv. I am one proud Momma!


Thanks for all your prayers, for my sweet angel & especially her Momma :)

Next post: 1 year anniversary - Gotcha Day!

Friday Night Excitement

...if that's what you want to call it! I'm trying to rev myself up for tonight's big adventure...Maggie's sleep study test! Happy Happy Joy Joy :) Can you feel the excitement in the air?! WHOO HOO! Yeah!

Anyhoo....

I'm trying to stay very positive and not focus on the fact that Maggie does not do well in new places, confined beds, or that she can't sit/lay still for more than 2 minutes these days.

We are scheduled to be @ TCH tonight @ 6pm. I'm off to take a nap with the anticipation of not getting much sleep tonight. I'm also bringing my melatonin to help :) We should hopefully be home by "normal" breakfast time.

I'll be sure to update you then...happy Friday everybody :)

Sleep Test

When Maggie had her follow up with her surgeon about a month ago, she suggested that Maggie undergo another sleep apnea test. They said someone would call to schedule it with me within 2 weeks. I didn't hear from anyone, so I followed up last week and sure enough, they didn't even have her file/information (no surprise there). However, the scheduler did call me back the next morning and said that the next opening would be on Friday, September 11th....yikes...another 2 months? She asked if I'd like to be placed on a waiting list, and I said absolutely.

I was a bit discouraged, because I really hoped to get this done before her benefits ran out (with the hope that the adoption would be finalized by then). We felt, though, that it would all work out.

The very next day I get a call saying that there has been a cancellation and can we do the study this Friday night? Thank you, Lord! He indeed worked it out, just like He always does!

Honestly, I'm not sure how Maggie will handle the testing. I don't know how any child would. It will be done @ TCH so they obviously specialize in children, so hopefully it won't be that bad. For those of you who have been around Maggie know that she is QUITE active (understatement of the year). I just don't know how she's going to not want to pull everything off of her and sit still long enough to get her hooked up to everything....and then actually fall asleep in the bed @ the hospital. Should make for an interesting night....for Maggie & Momma. One of us is required to stay over (not that I would leave her there alone anyway) so I guess I can get some reading done or watch a movie on the DVD player. We have to be there @ 6pm and will be released @ 8am the next morning. Hopefully it will all go smoothly :)

On another note, Maggie's adoption caseworker stopped by for her monthly visit today. She said that everything was pretty much ready to go. Monday will be the end of the 90 day waiting period. She'll file some paperwork the very next day and hopefully we'll get Maggie's complete CPS history file to review. We will also be allowed to remove/redact any information that we want to be sure to have removed (like any mention of our name or address, etc) that may have been overlooked. Then we will get the Adoption Placement papers & hopefully a court date for August.

There is light at the end of the tunnel....and it's getting brighter every day! :)

One year ago today....

I was getting my nails done and my cell phone rang. The Caller ID said HOMES4GOOD. Honestly, I didn't think much of it. We were just licensed the day before, so I figured that they were just calling to say something about that. Then, my heart starting racing. WE HAVE A CASE WE WANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU. What?! Are you kidding me?! You can relive the day with us here.

And so the next step of our journey began. The next 11 days were filled with so many things ~ meetings with caseworkers and therapists to find out all we could about this sweet little girl they were presenting to us; praying; shopping; praying; cleaning; praying some more; preparing our home and our hearts for OUR DAUGHTER; giving my boss a one week notice for my 8 week maternity leave. Those 11 days went by so fast! We couldn't believe how quickly our lives changed but we couldn't have been any more excitement or joyful! We called/emailed/texted/blogged/facebooked as many people as we could to spread the amazing news that Michael & I would soon be known as Momma & Daddy!

As much as we prepared, we couldn't have ever been fully ready for the amazing blessing of Maggie Joy and her presence in our lives. Our hearts were overflowing and our new life was just beginning....

Welcome back old friend

After much discussion and advice sought, we welcomed back an old friend to our home tonight.....the ba-ba.

We have had 25 straight nights of pure agonizing trauma. We have tried everything - different routines, substitutions, pacifers, sippy cups, books, songs, rocking, new blanket - everything and none of it worked.

Maggie was just absolutely traumatized by us taking away her bottle at nap/bed time. Our goal was to get rid of it so that she could adjust to not having to have something to drink...with the hopes of potty training in the coming months. However, after evaluating her behavior, we felt it was in her best interest to focus on her emotional well being, versus trying to think of potty training.

Every night was a major battle. She would eventually fall asleep but out of pure exhaustion and always in our arms. She was no longer able to put herself to sleep. She hasn't taken a nap in a few weeks now and the poor thing is just exhausted. She is waking up in the middle of the night & waking up much earlier than before. I just kept thinking, surely this will pass...each night will get a little better. But it didn't.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have taken the bottle away. I was ready. She wasn't ready. I thought it wouldn't be THAT big of an issue and it was much more than I could've imagined. That baba is obviously a huge security for her and I feel horrible for taking it away.

So, tonight, we made a trip to Target and we went to the baby section. I didn't say anything and just grabbed a package of bottles and Maggie started yelling "BABA! BABA! Maggie Baba!" I gave them to her to hold and she immediately started sucking on the plastic wrap, trying to get to the bottles.

After we read some books and said our prayers, Maggie asked for some milk. She didn't ask for the baba, and I hestitated, thinking...well, maybe she doesn't need the baba afterall. But, I decided to not risk it. I walked into her room, with the baba behind my back. She said, Momma milk? And I pulled out the baba. You should have seen that sweet baby's face light up like Christmas morning. She grabbed that baba, gave me a big kiss, said "nigh night Momma", turned on her side and fell fast asleep.

With tears in my eyes, I said my good night and walked into my room and just cried. Tears because I can see that I caused 25 nights of unnecessary trauma. Tears because my sweet little innocent baby girl still needs such comfort. It makes you wonder what really has happened in her short life that would cause such deep need for that security. Tears because that gift of the baba brought her immediate peace and comfort, that right now, nothing else can.

It's a good reminder that often times what we think we need to do and what others are telling us to do, might not really be the best thing for us at all. It's also a strong reminder that even though our sweet Maggie Joy is doing wonderfully from where she was a year ago, she still has experienced greater trauma in her first 18 months of life, than most people do in a lifetime...and sometimes, we just need the little extra comfort along the way.

So, welcome home baba....we sure are happy to see you again.

And as for potty training, well....we'll tackle that another day!

Where does the time go???

Has it seriously been over 2 weeks since I last blogged? Yikes! Where does the time go? Let's see....it goes to a very active 2 1/2 year old, as well as a husband, a house, a job, mounds of laundry, caseworker visits, doctor visits, play dates, completing more forms, having a garage sale, being sick....just to name a few :)

Last Tuesday, Maggie's CPS caseworker and our agency caseworker both stopped by for their monthly visit. It was great to have them both here at the same time, because they were able to meet each other and talk with each other face to face on what they needed from each other, etc. Basically, the 90 day waiting period is up on July 20th. On July 21st, CPS will submit our subsidy paperwork to the state, even though we know we will be denied. Maggie does not qualify for any benefits, since she is white, under the age of 6 and doesn't have any major issues. Don't even get me started on how I feel that this is completely ridiculous and reverse discrimination. I firmly believe that all children in foster care should be given the same benefits, despite their age/race/situation. Some many need more assistance than others, but I think they should all receive some basic assistance. But I digress...and I will pick up that soap box in another post! They want us to apply for the subsidy benefits, even though we know we'll denied, in case something should ever change in the future. If you've been denied, you can always appeal. But if you never submit the paperwork and the adoption is finalized, you can't ever apply again. So, we have the paperwork filled out and ready to be submitted.

Once the paperwork has been submitted and a decision has been rendered, then CPS will provide us with a copy of Maggie's complete CPS file. They used to give people a copy to keep, but now they're not allowed to do that (huh?!?!) They will bring the file to our home and allow us to read it. We will then sign off that we've read it, and CPS will have us sign the adoption placement papers. Once the adoption placement papers are signed, they are given to our attorney to file for our court date. It has been our understanding that the waiting time for court dates is rather long, but E (CPS caseworker) said that it usually doesn't take more than a few weeks. Her best case scenario is that we should be completely done by the end of August! She said that was great timing, being that it would've been just over a year since bringing Maggie home. We couldn't be happier! Can't believe it'll be a year next month on bringing Maggie home....wow...what a difference a year makes!

Ba-ba update....we are officially a household free of ba-bas....she doesn't even ask for them anymore. Yay! HOWEVER, going to bed, whether for a nap or a night time, has been horrific the past week or so. I seriously hope that the neighbors can't hear her screaming, as it sounds like she's being tortured! We can't figure out what's going on. We've tried all sorts of things. She just seems so terrified to be left alone in her room. The past 2 nights I have sat on the floor in her room for almost 2 hours, waiting for her to fall asleep. Just when I think, oh yeah, she's out...nope. Last night, I decided to let her fall asleep in our bed and then move her (like we did when we first brought her home) but that didn't work. She didn't fall asleep until 11:00pm! Michael & I just don't know what to do. She finally falls asleep out of pure exhaustion but she's waking up every morning between 6 and 7am.

One (of many) things we've learned through our journey, is that every situation is different. Every child is different. What works for one, won't work for another. You just have to keep trying different things, new techniques, until you find something that works. And when it stops working, try something else. It's hard....it's exhausting....but she's ours, and she's worth it.

Visits

***UPDATE***
6/11/09 Saw Maggie's surgeon today. Right ear tube is already on it's way out. Left ear tube is still securely in place. No issues as long as there are no infections. Ears look great! Sleep study ordered but will take 2 -3 months to get scheduled. Oh, and they weighed/measured her and she is 26.5 pounds and 34.5 inches tall. Guess that's the difference between digital (TCH) and manual (dr) equipment!

Original post to follow....

I just realized that I didn't comment on some of Maggie's appointments that I told you all about. Forgive me! Life has been a little hectic these days.

Psychological Evaluation: The 2 child psychologists were very nice and easy to work with. They asked me a lot of questions about Maggie's behaviors, abilities, development, skills, etc. They played some games with her, asked her some simple questions and she did great! At one point, the psychologist gave Maggie a game and then quickly took it away from her. I was thinking "great...way to go lady...don't you realize what you just did?!?!?" Sure enough, she knew what she was doing. Her goal was to get Maggie to throw a temper tantrum...and throw one she did! Good grief. The psychologist said that she was acting "normal" and that I was handling it great. Of course, I thought to myself..."well, sure I am...you're here!" She told me that she passed the psychological exam with her temper tantrum. That in all reality, they are very concerned when 2 year olds don't respond in the way that Maggie did. Oh wow. Good to know. So I guess the next time she does this in public, I should just let those that are staring know that the psychologist said she's perfectly normal and just let her be. Yeah. Sure. That will go over real well.

In the end, Maggie is right on schedule developmentally, and actually a bit advanced in a few areas. Her most advanced skill? Activity level. REALLY?! Shocking! (ha!)

They said that they were surprised at how well she has developed, given her history but we know that it's the goodness of the Lord and in His protection over Maggie through her short little life.

Monday had us in the doctor's office for an exam and more shots. We are FINALLY up to date on all shots. Poor baby. She had to endure 2 years of shots in about a 10 month period. No more shots until she turns 4. Yippee! Maggie is now 2 1/2 and weighs 29 pounds (I seriously thought she weighed more than that...oh my aching back!) and is 35 1/2 inches tall. She's in the 50th percentile for her age, so we're glad she's "normal" :)

Tomorrow we are back at Texas Children's for her follow up on her surgery and hopefully to get her referral for the sleep study. She had a sleep study done when she was about 16 months old (before us), then had the surgery, so she needs another one to see if the surgery fixed everything. I really doubt that it did. Figured we should try and get this all taken care of before her benefits run out and everything is paid for in full!

We NEED to finish up our subsidy paperwork! Still working through it.

Next Tuesday is another home visit day from CPS & H4G. We truly are thankful to have such diligent case workers who visit us every month and keep us updated quite frequently on the "in's and out's" of the case.

As for the baba fiasco, I mean, transition....it has NOT been easy or pleasant. It has been quite the struggle. Each day brings something new. Sometimes Maggie wants a particular cup. Sometimes she just wants the top of the cup to suck on. Sometimes she wants nothing. There are always tears. It is hard...but I know we'll get through it.

Summer Nights

...oh the joys of childhood and breezy summer nights. I think we could all learn a lesson or two from the little ones in our lives ~ take time to run through the sprinkler and get a little dirt on our hands.

Mud puddles

Update on the break up....

Update....naptime did NOT go well with Daddy today. Major coniption apparently would be an understatement.

I called one of our therapists to get some advice...over my lunch hour in the Walmart parking lot.

She gave me quite a few ideas/options/things to try.

We determined that Maggie's need for the baba is more sensory attachment than anything else. This was apparent when we realized that she just wants something to chew on, not necessary something to drink.

The therapist suggested that we might need to take one step back to move forward.

Maggie has been putting herself to sleep for many months now. However, the therapist suggested that we bring Maggie back into our bed, read to her, sing to her, and try to get her to re-attach to me or Michael, versus attaching to an item (like the bottle).

So, we did a few things. First thing is that I went to Walmart and bought Maggie a couple of new sippy cups. When I showed them to her today, I showed her these new cups (completely different than any others we have) and said - here are your new big girl cups. She was THRILLED! (score for Momma!)

When it was time to go to bed, I grabbed the new cup, filled it with milk, and brought it into our bedroom. I asked Maggie to pick out some books so that we could read together in Momma's bed. We enjoyed reading together and I could sense her relaxing and getting tired. At that point, I gave Maggie her new cup, turned the light off and snuggled with her. She fought it for a bit - asking for the light to be put back on, asking to watch tv (which I knew would be an issue) but she finally relaxed, sucked on her new sippy cup and fell asleep within about 20 minutes of lights out. I woke up ( yes, I fell asleep with her) and put her in her bed. She didn't wake up and she never asked for her baba. The sippy cup was empty and stayed in our room.

Whew...maybe this will work?! I'm thankful that not once did Maggie ask for her baba. She was too excited about her new sippy cups I guess....which is a good thing, because our house is officially baba free. That's right....when she wasn't looking, I put all of the bottles and nipples in a bag and took it out to the trash. Yep. Cold turkey....for Momma/Daddy & baby. This way, we're not tempted to cave in! I'm hopeful that out of sight/out of mind will work with this.

I'm anxious to see what happens tonight - if she wakes up looking/asking for the baba, or if she will wake up earlier than normal. I'm hopeful that this will truly take care of our issue.

As for the sippy cup, I am going to gradually reduce the amount of milk given each night, so that at some point there will be nothing in there, and she won't want/need it any longer. Then we can move on to the next challenge.

Oh, and did I mention that Maggie went pee pee in the potty tonight?!?! That's right, folks...and without any proding on my part. I know that is a fluke, but seriously....I was pretty pumped about it.

Stay tuned for more :)

Breaking up is hard to do....

June 1st....that was the day chosen for disaster to strike our relatively normal home.

It was time to say bye-bye to the ba-ba (aka bottle).

When Maggie came home @ 17 months, she was only drinking from a bottle. She would NOT drink from a sippy cup or anything else for that matter. It took us almost 4 months to get her to start drinking from a cup at times, other than nap/bed time. She finally accepted it but still needed a bottle to go down to sleep (whether at night or just for a nap). To Maggie the words "nigh-night" and "ba-ba" were synomonous. One did not exist without the other. We've tried a few times here and there in recent months to try and break her of this, without success. Oh the poor child will scream, cry, tear up her room, bang on the door & sound like she's being tortured(you get the picture) if she doesn't have her bottle. We initially tried to switch out the bottle for the sippy cup at naptime only. Nope...not gonna work. Then I decided, well, what if we just put water in her bottle and hope she just gets disinterested in it, since it doesn't have milk in it....nope, didn't work. She would just look at me like I was crazy. She wanted her milk and she wanted it in a bottle. Period.

Here's the challenge....if we don't break her of this habit of having to have a bottle (or a sippy cup for that matter) the child will never get potty trained. Now, she's not showing any interest in potty training yet, but I am just trying to get prepared, as everything takes a little longer than "typical" with Maggie.

The hardest part is that for my sweet child, that bottle is her security blanket. It is something she has control over. She knows it is hers. She knows that she can grasp it, hold on to it, drink or not drink the milk, but it's with her always. She doesn't know how to put herself to sleep without a bottle easily. It is a major fight and honestly the only reason she falls asleep is out of pure exhaustion.

So, yesterday, I gave her a sippy cup of milk at naptime. I wish I could show you the look on her face. She was like....Capital N.....Capital O! I explained to her ( I know...she's 2) that she's a big girl and that she doesn't need her baba. If she's thirsty she can have some milk out of her sippy cup. She wasn't buying it. I gave it to her, she quickly threw it to the floor and starting her wailing. My heart breaks for her but when will it be the right time? There will never be the right time to do it and it will only get worse as time goes on. I told her I loved her and closed the door behind me. 45 tortuous minutes later, I hear silence, but I dare not open the door quite yet. Another 15 minutes passes and I gently crack open the door to find her room in complete upheaval and my poor baby out cold on the bed. She only slept for an hour and poor thing seemed quite distraught when she woke up. Oh.man.

We were dreading night time. I think she knew what was up. She started saying baba before I could even get to the kitchen. I calmly explained to her that she was going to get her milk in her big girl sippy cup tonight and go to bed. Not. Going. To. Happen. She took it while crying and BEGGED me to go into Momma's big bed. I caved. I thought...well, if I can get her to drink from the sippy cup and not the bottle, and she has to fall asleep in our bed, then fine. Well, she played her momma and daddy good. That was at 8pm....10pm and she still isn't asleep and now is saying something that neither of us can understand. So, I said, Maggie, show Momma want you want. She takes my hand, walks me to the kitchen and says up, momma. Great. She's taken me to the cabinet with all her sippy cups and her bottles. Ugh. So, I put her up on the counter and she opens the cabinet door. (I was cringing...please don't see the 10 bottles right there in front of you!!) And she goes for her other sippy cup that has handles on it. Apparently she wanted this one, versus the one without handles that I gave her. I couldn't believe it...thank you Jesus :) So, I pour her milk from one cup to another and take her to her bed. Do you think that was it? Nope.

She throws the cup, crying in her bed, refusing to lay down. I tell her good night and close the door behind me. I return to our room, turn on the monitor and hear "baba momma" "baba daddy" "no sippy" "more baba" and then out of no where we hear "bye bye baba" and that was it. She finally fell asleep about 10:30 and was sound asleep when I left for work this morning.

However, her daddy called me @ 7am saying that she was wide awake and crying for her baba. (She normally doesn't wake up before 8:30am)

Needless to say it was a rough day/night. I have a feeling that this will take a while. Daddy has day #2 of breaking up today...we'll see how that goes. It will get worse before it gets better (that's typically how it works in our house anyway).

As a mother, it is so hard to see your child so distraught, especially when you are the one "causing" it. Maggie doesn't understand what is going on. She doesn't see the big picture. She doesn't care that she will need to use the big girl potty one day soon. She doesn't care. She only cares about her baba. Her schedule. Her security. How she is feeling today. Oh the challenges of being a parent and finding the fine lines of helping your child grow and mature. Pray that sweet Maggie will be able to feel safe and secure to go to bed without anything, and that her momma & daddy will have the patience to go through this.

After all....breaking up is hard to do!

Ode to Target

Oh Target...how I love thee
I could visit you every day
So I don't understand why you seem to bring
The worst out in my daughter with each new stay.

Could it be the "fun" shopping carts that start it all
You know...the ones that we want to avoid
When we put our little ones in the "other" carts
It's just the beginning of being annoyed.

Or could it be the Target Dollar Spot
You walk right into
full of all the knick-knacks & gadgets
Just beckoning to a little one that is 2.

Or maybe it's the bubbles, chalk, or candies
that lovingly wait in the aisles
just hoping to grab the attention
and start a little smile.

But alas, the 2 year old is with her Momma
and her Momma doesn't buy all the hype
And has to endure all the turmoil
and blog about it at night.

Target, my trip tonight was exhausting
everyone heard her cries
And watched her poor little Momma
try to finish gathering supplies.

So, in the future, when you decide
where you should place all those great buys
Try to put some in other places
away from little eyes.

In the end, my dear Target
should you take heed to my requests
This Momma will be happy, her baby will be quiet
and a big thank you will come from your guests.


*written once I got home from a trip to Target that included, but was not limited to, a 17 minute screaming temper tantrum with my usually loving, sweet, 2 year old daughter.*

The latest on Maggie herself :)

I have not done a very good job at documenting Maggie and all that she is doing and learning lately. Such a bad momma! So I'm going to try and jot a few things down tonight that are fresh on my brain :) Maggie sure is one funny girl. I'd like to take credit for her wonderful sense of timing & humor, but I'm not so sure that I can.

We have really been working on her vocabulary and verbal skills. She has finally started putting words together. She says "please, momma" "tank you, momma" and "wub you, momma". Funny thing is she hasn't quite figured it out that those words don't always go together. She'll say the same thing to Daddy too..."please momma!" Of course, I love it...Michael quickly informs her that he is Daddy, not Momma. So she'll say, "please momma daddy". :)

The other morning I went in to get Maggie and I hadn't dried my hair yet. She saw me and said: "momma...hair...wet...rain?" I laughed and said, No sweetpea, it's not raining in the house. And she said "oh...baf" (bath)? "Yes, Momma took a bath". I'm always amazed at when she puts things together like that out of the blue.

We finally got some new living room furniture (yay!). It was being delivered on Saturday (between the hours of 7am and 10pm...don't get me started on that!) so we moved the old couch out the garage after Maggie went to bed Friday night. When she woke up, Maggie went running into the living room and immediately stopped. "Momma...uh oh....uh oh....uh oh!" The room was empty and she was having a grand ol' time with all the room to run around.

The furniture didn't arrive until 9:30pm (again, don't get me started) & Maggie was already in bed. So when she woke up on Sunday morning. She came into the living room. Stopped and said, "WoooooooooooW! Momma! WOW!" She immediately tried (and tried and tried and tried) to get up on the new sectional...without much success. It's a bit higher than our other couch. It seriously was the funniest thing ever. I so wish that I had a video camera to record it. She has since learned to manuever her way up and has the bruises to show for it.

Maggie is really into movies now. She will go to the Xbox (what we watch movies on in the living room), turn it on, open it up, go into the movie drawer, pick out what she wants to watch, puts it in and then comes calling for either me or Michael to "hurry....hurry" Her favorites right now are Nemo Nemo (Finding Nemo), Elmphant (Horton Hears A Who) and Puppy (Bolt). She will stand up in front of the tv and just watch and not move....it cracks me up.

She's also really avoiding sleeping in her bed when she can. She knows I'm going to get her bottle and all of a sudden, she's gone. Just like that. Of course, I know where to find her...all snug in our bed (what she calls Momma's Big Bed) with her eyes closed...and she'll even give out a pretend snore (learned from Daddy of course). Too funny...and she knows it!

There is always something going on ~ new adventures, new words, new expressions...and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

60 days....

and we can file the adoption placement papers for Maggie to officially (in the eyes of the law) our daughter!

E, Maggie's new adoption caseworker, came by for a visit this morning. She was so nice and very sweet. She was very easy to talk to and was very excited to be able to help us with our adoption of Maggie. She asked a few questions about Maggie's progress and development and just observed Maggie. She said that we had a lovely home & said that Maggie was so cute (of course!)

The state requires a 90 day waiting period from termination, before adoption placement papers can be filed. 1 month has already passed, so we just have 60 days to go! There really isn't anything that will be done in the next 60 days, as they can't do anything on their end. We do have to get a psych/developmental evaluation done on Maggie and she suggested that we go ahead and get that scheduled as soon as possible, so that it doesn't hold us up. I have already made the phone call and just waiting for a call back. Our agency will need to do an addendum on our home study, since it's over a year old, but that shouldn't be any big deal. Our agency is fantastic & more than ready for us to be done with all of this :) Everything else that is needed has already been done and copies will just need to be forwarded to the CPS adoption division. Once the adoption placement papers are signed, our attorney will file for a court date. If all goes well....we are hopeful to have everything done in August!

We honestly have had a wonderful experience with everyone involved in our case - from our agency caseworker, to our CPS foster care caseworker and now our new adoption caseworker, to our CASA worker...it hasn't been the easiest of journeys but honestly, when I look at my sweet little girl, I don't even think about all those tough days. I just look at the beautiful child that the Lord chose for us to parent....and I am overwhelmed by the love and blessing of Maggie Joy.

Meeting tomorrow

Just a quick post to ask that you be praying with us as we meet with Maggie's new adoption caseworker tomorrow (Tuesday) morning @ 10am. Please pray that we start a great line of communication & feel at ease with her, and vice versa. We are hopeful that we will learn more about what the next steps are to get Maggie's adoption finalized. I'll be sure to update you tomorrow.

Love,

Adoption Update

I called Maggie's CPS caseworker yesterday to get an update on the status of her case. He told me that he closed the case on his end and transferred it to the adoption unit at the end of last week. He said that Maggie's new adoption caseworker would be in touch with us soon. I was a bit disappointed that Maggie's first caseworker wasn't assigned, but she's going on maternity leave in July, so we knew that it wasn't likely. Oh well!

Soon....hmmm....wonder what that means? You never know when it comes to CPS. However, I shouldn't have been so negative, as we received a phone call a few hours later from Elizabeth, Maggie's new caseworker. She seemed very nice on the phone, so I'm hopeful that she's that way in person :)

Elizabeth will be coming out next Tuesday morning for a home visit and to give us the details on where we are and what we need to do, etc. I was encouraged!

Please pray that we'll have a positive first meeting...even though we have nothing to worry about, it's very easy to get over anxious with these things.

1st Mother's Day

Dear Maggie Joy,

Today is a very special day. It is my first Mother's Day...and it's all because of YOU! I always wondered what the day would be like...and it exceeded all that I thought it would be. I knew what it was like to celebrate Mother's Day with Nana (since she's my momma) but what would it be like when I had a child of my own?

You slept in late (wow...you really know how to give your momma a treat!!!) ~ You helped Daddy make breakfast for me ~ one of your favorites, pancakes & bacon. You even helped clean up a bit. You gave me some pretty flowers and every time I look at them, I think of you. You were very proud of yourself!

When Jesus brought you home to live with me and Daddy, he knew what a special little girl you were and how much love and joy you would bring to our lives. Being your momma has been the most wonderful gift I've ever received. Because of you, I have learned patience, grace, forgiveness, flexibility, understanding and the ability to love more deeply that I ever thought was possible. I loved you before I even knew you...and my love for you grows deeper with each passing day.

Thank you for making me a Momma, Maggie Joy. I can't think of a better way to have made it happen.

I love you so much....to the moon & back.
Momma

Child of My Heart

I have always loved the Willow Tree Angels and started collecting them when I received my first one as a wedding gift. My collection has grown through the years but there were always the ones with babies and/or families that I longed to add to my collection. This year, that wish came true when I received the "Child of My Heart" figurine from Michael for Mother's Day. Each angel is given a name and a "story line". How appropriate that on this, my first Mother's Day, that Michael would give me this special Willow Tree Angel.

"Child of My Heart"

Child of the world, into my heart you came --
Bringing sun into my life, Making family our name.

It is with great joy and awe that I celebrate my first Mother's Day as Maggie's momma. Last year, as we waited to be matched with our child, I honestly didn't know if I would see another Mother's Day childless. I so prayed that 2008 would be the time that the Lord would choose to bless us with our child and bless us, He did! My journey to motherhood has been long. hard. frustrating. But it's also been sweet. happy. joyful and most of all, well worth it all.

This Mother's Day is special because I am now a momma of a sweet little girl. Only the Lord could have brought us together as momma & daughter. Her daddy & I are so filled to the brim with love, joy and thankfulness for God's blessing of Maggie Joy.

However, as special as this Mother's Day is for me this year, I also remember how it feels to not have a child to celebrate. So, on this Mother's Day, I just want to ask you to remember those women in your lives that are longing, just like I was last year, to be a momma, whose arms are aching from the emptiness of not having a child (or possibly even from the emptiness of losing a child)- and longing to celebrate their first Mother's Day with their son or daughter. This can be a very hard day for those sweet mommas-to-be. Pray for them! It's important to just let them know that you're thinking of them. It really does mean so much.

Happy Mother's Day to all my friends who are mommas, especially those celebrating for the first time this year. And my love and hugs out to my dear friends, who are still waiting. I am praying for you ~ for peace, comfort and much love on this day.

Love,
Maggie's Momma

Closer to Love

Mat Kearney's new song is called Closer To Love. It's about us being one phone call away from bad news and how that brings us to our knees to pray & seek God's comfort.

May this be an encouragement to all of us, wherever you are right now.

2 visits today

This morning was full of visits ~ first from our agency caseworker and then our CPS caseworker. We're one of the few that actually see both caseworkers every month! This is rare! I know some people who never even meet their CPS caseworker. The visits are short and most of the time, we just chat about life, but it's wonderful to have great relationships with both of our caseworkers. I truly believe that it has made all the difference in how Maggie's case has been handled.

Our CPS caseworker has been fantastic. I remember being worried about him being assigned to us. I liked our first caseworker. This guy was new. He wasn't experienced. He was a he. I know...I know....I shouldn't have judged but I did. I didn't want a guy. I wanted a woman. Someone who could feel my pain, understand my emotions, and have that "only a woman/mother knows" type of heart. But in the end, I was wrong. Never before have I met someone who was so passionate about what was best for my child & our family. He fought for us every step of the way. He has been our family's advocate. He didn't have to be...but he was.

CPS is trying to finish up all the paperwork to get our case transferred to the adoption unit. We did find out today that the state does require a 3 month wait until an adoption can be finalized to allow for someone to contest the adoption. We're not worried about that. Every possible person was interviewed when we first went to court. We have no reason to doubt that this will be a possibility...and we're not going to allow that to enter our minds. It's just the way it is. It's the system. It's the law. And we understand that.

CPS did say that they hope to have everything done in the next 3 months...so hopefully we'll be able to finalize everything by the end of the summer (I'm not holding my breath for the 3 month goal!)

I don't know how the caseworkers do what they do...but I sure am thankful for them. They've made our journey that much easier...and we've made some great friends along the way!

Legally Free

Patti called us right after court with the best words "Congratulations, Mommy!" That's right! Maggie Joy is now legally free....WHOOOO HOOOOO!

CPS went to court yesterday for the termination of parental rights. All rights were terminated on the birth mother & birth father ~ this also includes all of their family members and any potential birth father (since he is technically unknown).

While Maggie is still not officially ours, the biggest burden has been lifted. We no longer have to worry about any issues with the birth mom. While our trust is in the Lord, there was still some fear as we never knew when we might get a call that a visit has been ordered, another issue has come up, or that the judge wanted more time. Nope...all that is done. Whew. Such a huge burden lifted off of our shoulders and more importantly, our hearts.

From the moment that Maggie came home, she has been our daughter. But it sure will be a wonderful feeling to have Maggie legally recognized as our daughter and to officially be Maggie Joy. While our experience has been pretty wonderful with CPS and CASA, it will also be nice to just be a family and not have to deal with that anymore! No more home visits, forms to fill out, weekly status reports, etc.

"He did not waver... regarding the promise... being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised." (Romans 4:20-21) (from my devotional today!)

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for remaining constant, faithful, loving, & true to your promises. May we live each day in gratitude & awe of all that You've done, currently doing and all that You will do in the future. All glory be given to You! We are so blessed to have been chosen to be Maggie's momma & daddy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

200th Post!

200 posts....seriously? I guess I've had a little (ha!) to say over the past 2 years & 3 months since entering blogland. I can't think of a better way to mark the 200th post than to be asking for continued prayer in our journey to adopting Maggie.

As you all remember, our court date was postponed last month due to the lack of one piece of paper. As frustrating as that was, we remained confident that the Lord's timing continues to be perfect. That rescheduled court date is now here ~ this Monday at 1:30pm.

We have been told (from CPS) that all paperwork is ready to be submitted on Monday and that there shouldn't be any reason to not have both birth mother and birth father's rights terminated at that time. As you know, Maggie's birth mom relinquished her rights, so we are not concerned with that. The issue at the last hearing was that the search for the birth father was not fully completed.

Just to bring you up to speed ~ there was no father listed on the birth certificate. At some point, Maggie's birth mom provided a name of who she thought could be the father (it's HIGHLY unlikely). He apparently is nowhere to be found. With that being said, all parties involved are fully prepared to move forward with terminating the father's rights. We are hopeful that the judge will agree with all research that has been performed and not have any issues with the birth father.

Michael & I have learned that nothing is ever quite as simple as we think it should be, nor does everything go according to our plan...BUT that's when we are so thankful that we don't rely on our timing or our plans. We rely fully on the Lord. The Lord knows what will happen, when it will happen and in the way it will take place.

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27: 13-14

We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust in His Holy name. Psalm 33:20-21

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to the Lord; trust in Him and He WILL DO THIS: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn , the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37: 4-6.

Won't you join us in praying for all parties involved, especially the judge. But in the end, we know that the ultimate judge is the Lord Himself...so, as we wait for the results of Monday's hearing, we take comfort that God already knows the answers.

We'll be sure to update you as soon as we can. We love you all and appreciate your continued prayers and support!

STAT!

STAT! ....urgent; immediate request; rush.

I have been having some pain on right side for about a week. When it didn't really go away, I figured, well...guess I better get it checked out. I figured I'd just go see my internist, he'd write me script for an antibiotic and I'd be on my way. Well, that's what I figured would happen anyway.

I arrive @ Dr. D's office, with Maggie in tow, yesterday around 11:45am. They were all excited to finally meet Maggie, since I haven't had to see them since she came home last July. I went in to the exam room, explain my symptoms, had a urine test run and came back to sit. Dr. D said that my urine test was not at all impressive (wow - that's not usually a term that I would use in situations like this...but ok) and then gave me the strict instructions to get over to the hospital immediately for a CT scan.

Oh. Ok. Right. Me and my 2 year old. Sure. That's NOT going to happen. So, back in the car, drop Maggie off at home, arrive at the diagnostic testing. Provide my orders to the intake person. Start my registration. Told that since I am a Diabetic, I have to have some blood work done prior to the CT scan. Fine. BUT. Dr did not write those labs on the order. Great. It's 12:35pm. Dr. D is now on lunch. They call. No answer. Won't be back until 1:30. Ugh. I decide to drive over to his office in hopes that maybe, just maybe, he isn't actually eating lunch and might, just might, be working on charts, following up with patients, or checking his facebook...but alas, he apparently decided to eat lunch. 1pm...what to do for 30 minutes? Go to Target of course. 1:30 arrive back at Dr. D's office. Get the orders for the blood work. Return to the diagnostic testing. Begin registration again (not sure what happened to the "save" button on the computer). Informed of all my rights, benefits, payments, instructions, etc. Provided with my lunch of 3 of barium sulfate drinks...given choice of banana, berry or apple. Chose berry. Began to drink the 1st of 3 bottles. Nearly gagged. Chalk-like milky substance. I guess no one cared to know that I have major texture issues, let alone can't drink anything at room temperature. Lovely. Finished 1st bottle before I left registration. Informed to drink the remaining 2 bottles as quickly as possible, since I was an urgent patient. Went over to lab. Got blood drawn. Finished 2nd bottle. Walked over to radiology and guzzled (OH.MY.WORD!!!) the 3rd bottle down. It was now 2:45pm. 3 bottles in 45 minutes. I was pretty proud of myself. UNTIL the sweet lady at the desk said let me get you started on your drinks. Wait. Already drank them. You already drank the 3 drinks? Yes. When did you finish? Just now. When did you start? about 45 minutes ago. OH. HONEY! (oh no!) That is way too fast. You are about to get really sick. And the nearest bathroom is out by the ER (not really too close). GREAT! Lovely. She told me to walk around, get the stuff moving through my system. I was already nauseated from drinking the stuff...now the gurgling, bubbly sounds were echoing through the halls. I seriously sounded like my stomach was possessed. Needless to say, without saying too much, I walked around the hospital for another 45 minutes and I definitely got sick. Enter CT scan. They try to start IV. Inform them that I have horrible veins. Don't try my arms. You won't get it. Just go in through my hands or feet. Yes. I know it hurts. Just trust me. Do they trust me? Nope! One girl tries my right arm. Insert needle. Nope. She then tries my right wrist. Insert needle. Nope. Another girl tries my left arm. Insert needle. Nope (REALLY!?!?!?) Then they call in someone else, who calmly says, "Honey, take a deep breath...this is going to hurt" (ugh!) and into the side of my left arm she goes. Now, I have quite the tolerance for pain, but I'm pretty sure she put a 1 foot needle in my arm and that's why I let out the scream that I did and my body went flying off the table. But good news...she got it in. (Still wonder if that all could have been avoided if they had just listened to me the first time). I now have 4 huge bruises to show off. CT scan with contrast on it's way. It's done. You can go home now....and wait. Wait for the radiologist to read the films. Wait for my doctor to be called with the findings. Wait for my doctor to call me with the results. Wait for the side effects to pass from the barium sulfate drinks.

Didn't get a return phone call last night, or this morning even. My dr. called me @ 2pm today to let me know the results....kidney stones. Lots of them, but thankfully no blockages. So, now I just have to deal with the pain and wait for them to pass. Oh fun.

7 hours to get testing done yesterday.
24 hours to get a call back with test results.
Unknown hours to deal with the pain.

I think my definition of "STAT" just changed!

Our 1st Easter

The annual Crews Easter Eggstravaganza took place yesterday. We were worried that we might be rained out...but thankfully the rain held off!

Picture this....5 little girls under the age of 6 with a better-than Martha Stewart Nana on site...and boy did we have some fun to take care of!

First off..."Ok girls...take your clothes off" WHAT?! You heard right...clothing was not optional for the first event ~ egg dying. We had small buckets of pink, green, yellow, purple, orange and blue dye spread out across the table with 36 eggs just waiting to be colored. The girls couldn't wait to get started and what a mess it was! Maggie was the first to spill the green vinegar all down her arms, stomach and legs. Oh how I'm glad that we took the clothes off (and that we did all of this outside!) Gabriela, Isabela, Maya & Samantha went after the dying of eggs like there was no tomorrow. They couldn't wait to get their hands dirty and their eggs colored. Gabriela even got creative (on her own, she'd remind you) and would stick half the egg in one color and flip it to another color.

After we got everyone cleaned up (what a chore!), it was off to the egg hunt. We started youngest to oldest, so Maggie went first. Then Samantha. Then Maya & Isabela. Gabriela was last, which she was not happy about. Oh the trials of being the oldest ~ I know how it is, Gabriela! 5 girls running around all over the back yard, side yard, front yard, in the bushes, up in trees, under the swingset...battling for who would get the most eggs. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised that Gabriela filled up her basket the fastest, but don't worry ~ we divided the eggs all up equally. While the kids were out playing, the adults were eating all the good candies (we needed some rewards too!).

Then it was off to eat some burgers and dogs ~ turned out to be really nice outside. For dessert? Undecorated cupcakes to make Easter-looking baskets. Nana provided the icing, grass (green food colored coconut) and jelly beans for the "eggs". Turned out very cute ~ a hit by all!

The girls had tons of fun playing together ~ whether it be riding bikes, dancing to country music, swinging and sliding on the play set, or playing dodgeball (which provided a few crying moments). Gabriela got smacked in the mouth with the huge ball and then shortly thereafter, got kneed in the chin by her sister. Gabriela was pretty hurt but the sweetest thing, as a Momma, was that Maggie was the first one to go up to Gabriela and give her a kiss and a hug. Maggie is very sensitive to other people's feelings, especially when they're crying. I'm thankful for her tender heart.

We got loaded up, dropped Mimi off at her house, made a last stop at the grocery store, got home and took a much needed bath, and finally got Maggie to bed around 10:30. She was zonked out. It was now time to put Maggie's Easter basket together for her to find the next morning.

Easter Morning brought huge thunderstorms our way and a loss of power for about 2 hours. So we celebrated Easter quietly together as a family. Our first Easter together. It's been so fun to celebrate all these "firsts" with Maggie. Maggie came in to find her Easter basket filled with goodies ~ bubbles (of course), a coloring book with stickers, a Bible story book, a stuffed bunny, a chocolate bunny, and some obnoxious noise making toy that to this day, I don't know why in the world I thought it would be a great gift. :) We went from a cool, rain-trodden morning to a clear blue warm day that ended in a swim in her pool. Only in Houston!

We took time together as a family to celebrate the wonderful gift of Jesus' Resurrection and while we know that Maggie doesn't understand what we read to her about today, Michael & I enjoyed sharing with her to the story. She knows about Jesus and she prays to Jesus and our hearts' prayer is that Maggie will one day know & accept Jesus as her personal Lord & Savior.

We enjoyed the fun of Easter & spring yesterday with all the kiddos ~ the eggs, the hunt, the candy and decorations...and we're thankful to have a Risen Savior who loves and cares for us, as only He can! May we always remember to celebrate Jesus' resurrection, every day...not just on Easter Sunday.

Love Letter

I shared this on my other blog, but just in case you don't visit there ~ I wanted to post it here too!

Take a look at the amazing love letter I received last night.

Love Letter to CC

Moments

There are so many moments when I just want to fall flat on my face and thank the Lord for choosing me to be Maggie's momma.

Tonight was no exception.

As I walked with Maggie back to her room tonight, she stood at the rocker and said, "Momma....hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm" (humming).

I said, "You want Momma to sing to you?"

Maggie "Yeah yeah ... Momma sing"

...and with that, I scooped up my not-so-little one into my arms, began to rock and sang my sweet girl to sleep.

Thank you Jesus!

Lately it's all been about the "B"

B is for.....

Babies ~ Maggie & I were able to celebrate the arrival of Nate Ryan to our friends Erica & Colin, at his welcome home shower this weekend. Maggie did a good job of hanging tight to Momma. She just loves baby "Naaaayte!" Every baby is a Nate now...too cute! We are so thankful to be a part of Erica & Colin's journey to parenthood and rejoice in the goodness of the Lord bringing Nate home to be with them!

Bubbles ~ I seriously don't know what we would do without bubbles. It's all about the bubbles lately. We are thankful for cheap entertainment! Maggie goes berserk over bubbles! Bubbles bubbles bubbles everywhere...everyday...she just gets the biggest kick out of them and is always all smiles! (except when it's time to come inside)

Bluebonnets ~ well, it's that time of year here in Texas, but unfortunately we didn't get a lot of rain, so the bluebonnets have been less than stellar this season. We did venture out yesterday to take some photos. We found a new spot but apparently, we were some of the last to check it out, since most of the bluebonnets were trampled on. I was able to get some decent photos, even with the fact that Maggie wasn't too interested in posing. The only time I was able to get any pictures of her sitting down, was because she fell. She was more interested in the rocks or going over to the playground. The positive thing is that there is always next year! She sure looked cute, though :)

Big girl room ~ even though we transferred out of the crib and into the big girl bed about 2 months ago, I haven't really had a chance to work on anything else in Maggie's room....slowly but surely I will get the decorations on the walls! I actually tried to hang the curtains today and after putting 6 holes in the wall, decided that it wasn't quite working for me. So, I have re-caulked the holes and waiting for it to dry...and will try again later! UGH!

That's about it from here. Nothing new to report on Maggie's case, other than the next court hearing is April 20th...and hopefully everything will be taken care of then!

Frustrated....

that's what I am tonight. We've had this court date for almost 3 months. We were told that everything was done. There was nothing left to do, except wait for the court date to arrive. Our biggest challenge was met when Maggie's birth mother relinquished her rights last week. So, we went in today's court hearing as just a formality.

Thankfully all the paperwork signed by the birth mother was done correctly and there were no issues there! Thank you Lord! Now, it was just a matter of terminating the rights of the "alleged" father. As the birth father's attorney submits all the paperwork, it is determined that there is a problem. One piece of information was missing. Are you kidding me?! Basically there is a database that has to be searched for all birth parents and apparently, even though the search was completed, the attorney did not have the proof of the search. So, if that one piece of information had been there today, his rights would have been terminated, and we would finally be on our way to officially adopting Maggie. But alas, it was not...and court has been rescheduled for April 20th (the next available court date!). Again, it will just be a formality to enter this one last document into the court, but I'm still frustrated.

I feel like our whole adoption journey has had it's share of setbacks, but are they really setbacks? We might think that they are, but in the end, we have to remember that everything happens when it's supposed to happen. I just remind myself that if we had been matched with a child on any other day than July 10th, we wouldn't be the parents of Maggie Joy. Thank you, Lord, for your perfect timing and your perfect plans.

So, tonight, we remain thankful for the Lord's faithfulness and His protection and provision over our family.

Court Tomorrow

Just a quick note to ask that you be praying that all goes well tomorrow afternoon at the final hearing for Maggie's case. It is @ 1:30pm. They will be submitting the birth mom's relinquishment papers into court as well as officially terminating the "alleged" father's rights. We're hopeful that all will go smoothly tomorrow, with no issues!

We'll let you know something as soon as it's over.

Love,
Courtney, Michael & Maggie

Persistence

I've always known that I could be somewhat of a persistent person (some of you are laughing right now!) and that has definitely helped us on our journey to Maggie. It's amazing to me how little people communicate. I realize that we are not their only case, but this is our only case. I've also learned that if you don't ask the questions, you won't necessarily get the answers. I've also learned that sometimes you have to be a pest to have someone listen to you. In the process of fostering to adopt, you truly are your own advocate. Sure, we've had some great people on our side ~ our agency caseworker, Maggie's CASA advocate, Maggie's CPS caseworker ~ but even then, the communication is brief, staggered, or different (depending on who you are talking to at the time).

I've learned how to "play" the system with caseworkers and how to get information without trying to make it sound like that's what I'm after (ha!) I'll send an email asking a question about something that I may already know the answer to....only so that I can lead into a question, like....oh, by the way, any word on this? or that? It's worked every time! :)

Today was proof that my playing the game and persistence paid off.

I had been on the phone with Patti, Maggie's CASA advocate, that morning trying to see if there was any new information. Patti was more frustrated than me, because she hadn't heard anything from anyone either (again, great communicating between the different entities).

I told her I was going to email Cory @ CPS. I did and this basically what I wrote: Hey Cory, hope you're doing well. I just wanted to confirm what time we are supposed to be in court on Monday, as my agency caseworker is going to be there to represent us. If you can let me know if it's at 9:30 or 1:30 that would be great. {I already knew that it was 1:30}. Oh, by the way, I'm guessing that no news on Maggie's birth mom signing relinquishment papers last week means that she didn't do it...or do you know anything differently? Thanks.

***Side note....we didn't tell anyone, because it's been going back and forth and we weren't holding our breaths, but we received a call late Thursday night informing us that Maggie's BM was going in to see the atty on Friday morning to sign the relinquishment of rights papers. We never heard from anyone on whether or not she showed up or not. No one seemed to know.***

Here's the email response I got back from Cory:
"I ran into BM's attorney yesterday at court and she did relinquish!!!!! It was on Monday. She did sign, she wants to be able to write letters and receive letters but she signed it!"

What?! Are you kidding me?! WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO! I couldn't believe it! We've been so worried and consumed with wonder and worry these past 6 days, not knowing what happened. So many questions and thoughts went through our minds. Did she show up? Did she sign? Why didn't she show up? What does that mean for Monday? Will the judge give her more time to relinquish (which is typical)? Will we have to wait until June (which would be 1 year since Maggie was removed from her birth mom) to be able to terminate? And the list could go on and on....

If Cory hadn't have run into her attorney at court, we'd still be wondering. We'd still be waiting. I mean, seriously, how difficult would it have been for the attorney to respond to all the inquiries and just answered "yes" to did she sign? Not too hard, if you ask me. But no one asked me.

I'm glad that I was persistent. This whole experience has shown us how much we take our emotions into our own hands. It's so easy to say all the right things and to tell ourselves that we need to trust in the Lord and to give all of this to Him, but we are so quick to take them back and hoard them and keep them all to ourselves. And in the end, all we did was cause ourselves worry, sleepless nights and stress.

So, where do we stand right now? All parties involved (except for us) will be in court on Monday to present all the signed papers. It's basically a formality. Then the unknown birth father's (this is a whole other post) attorney will terminate his rights. Then within a few weeks, our CPS caseworker will transfer our file to the adoption division, where we have been told, that we will be assigned to our first caseworker, since she handles all the adoptions. This is great news for us, as we have a great relationship with her and she has been involved with our case since the beginning. This should hopefully help hurry things along. It will then take another month or so to get our paperwork done and on to the attorney to get us on the judges' docket. We've been told that adoptions are only done twice a month in Montgomery County, so this is why it will take a few extra months to get finalized.

But honestly, the hardest, most stressful part is over. What was supposed to be an open & shut, no worries, easy, no risk case turned out to be much more than that. The Lord knew what He was doing when He revealed very little to us at the beginning. It is very likely that without the Lord's guidance, we could've missed out on our beautiful sweet blessing, Maggie Joy. We still have some months before she is legally ours, but we are so thankful that this part of the story is closed.

I think this Momma & Daddy will sleep a little better tonight...

We are so thankful for all your prayers and love along the way. You have walked through the valleys and mountains of our journey and we love you all so much because of it. The Lord's faithfulness and love towards us is overwhelming ~ we just know that He has great plans for our sweet little girl.

Let's be honest...

Motherhood is hard! I think we all like to make it look like we've got it all together...and I'm sure that there are some mommas out there who do have it pretty darn close, but let's be honest....I don't have it all together, and it's is more than hard.

Maggie is going through a phase right now...and to be honest, it's hard to know if it's just because she is 2 or is it because of her past or is it a combination of both. I believe that it's a combination of the two. Unfortunately, for us, in our situation, it's hard to know. And we don't want to label Maggie with any of these possible issues, but then again, we don't want to ignore them either.

I could write a post about the major meltdown that took place at Target on Friday when Maggie saw the end cap of bubbles and GASP! Momma did not stop to put any in the basket....but I won't.

I could write a post about Maggie throwing a fit so big that people walking by stopped to ensure that my child hadn't been seriously injured at a birthday party when she took another little boy's cheerios out of his diaper bag and began eating them...but I won't.

I could write a post about when Maggie didn't get her way tonight she pulled my shorts completely down (thankfully at home)...but I won't.

I could write a post about how I saw an acquaintance this weekend that I hadn't seen since we brought Maggie home and she told me that I looked miserable....but I won't.

I could write a post about how we are trying to break Maggie of her ba-ba (bottle) habit for nap and bedtime and how well that is (not) going...but I won't.

I could write a post about how many times I hear the word "no" in one day...but I won't.

I won't because 1) I don't have the energy to relive it. 2) I am afraid that others will think that I'm a horrible mother. 3) I really do try and focus on the positives.

Those closest to me try to remind me all the time that our situation isn't normal. I didn't have 9 months to physically prepare for my child to be born and then get 17 months to prepare for a 17 month old. No, I was stationary one day and mobile the next...and haven't stopped moving since! I don't have a daughter who was brought up in a safe and secure environment from her first day of life. She didn't get that until 17 months later.

For all the many things I could blog about and won't....there are that many more things that I am blessed with. That sweet little girl who throws tantrums, screams in public places, pulls my shorts down, makes her momma look tired, is dependent on a bottle to sleep, and says "no" way too many times to count is the greatest blessing in my life. And even though she does all those things, she loves her momma more than I ever thought was possible. I can't imagine my life without her. It's as if she has been with us all along. She makes us laugh, brings us great joy, and touches us deep down in our soul.

At the end of the day, when I rock Maggie to sleep, I reflect on what the Lord has given me. I'm a momma...and I love it...but let's be honest....it's hard.

Sweet blessings

****Updated...the sweet little bundle of blue joy has been named....NATE RYAN!*****

Along this journey, the Lord has brought some very special into our lives...that honestly, we probably wouldn't have met otherwise.

One of those sweet people is my friend, Erica.

Erica & Colin have been given the sweetest blessing this evening, when they welcomed home their 6.5 lb bundle of blue joy! (no name yet!)

We are rejoicing in the goodness of the Lord and the beginning of a wonderful life together as momma, daddy and son!

We love you guys and couldn't be happier!

News....

Still no news. We have no idea of what is going on with Maggie's case. We were notified on Tuesday afternoon that the mediation for Wednesday was canceled. The DA said that it was understood that the birth mom was going to relinquish her rights.

We were under the impression that they were going to make sure that this happened at the mediation.

We are beyond frustrated. No one is telling us anything. No response to voicemails or emails. Patti (CASA) can't even find out anything. It makes us a bit nervous, but we're trying really hard to not and figure it out. It's impossible to know and even more so to NOT run through every scenario in our minds.

CASA did tell us that the only way an attorney would cancel mediation is if paperwork was already signed or in the process of being signed. Otherwise, if we go to court on the 16th and the paperwork isn't signed, the attorney would be in serious trouble. That's all fine and good...but if it's that simple, how hard is it to just drop us a quick email to say "paperwork started" or "paperwork signed"....pretty easy if you ask me!

If only it were as easy as what one of my sweet friends wrote on my facebook:
"Yes, here is your update. You and Michael rock, the girl is yours, done. That's how I would do it anyway. :) " (thanks Melissa!)

We're frustrated and stressed and tired and losing patience...but thankful for a God who stays true, calm, aware and more than patient with His children! Thank you Lord for all that you're doing, even when we're not sure what that is!

Keep praying :)

Mediation Cancelled

Just received an email from the Montgomery County DA's office informing us that Maggie's mediation hearing tomorrow has been officially cancelled as "evidently birth mother has decided to reliquish her parental rights."

Ok....we knew that this was her intention....

So, now the big question is....HAS SHE SIGNED THE PAPERS????

I've called and emailed every person involved in the case and can't get anyone......c'mon people....this momma and daddy want to know!!!!