Goodbye 2008...Hello 2009

2008 has been a wonderful, challenging, happy, sad, joyful, exciting, trying, tearful, disappointing, fulfilling ( I could go on and on and list every emotion...I'm sure we've experienced it) year for Michael & me. We celebrated 5 years of marriage and the most amazing gift of all…our daughter, Maggie Joy, joined our family in July. Many of you have followed our adoption journey over the past 2 years and have prayed with us as we experienced great highs and lows along the way. We are so thankful for your love, prayers and friendship!

We went from being a couple to being parents of an 18 month old in the matter of minutes! It has been a whirlwind of emotions and risks. Emotions...they are difficult, wonderful, challenging, hard, sweet and full. Risk...something you have to be willing to take, to be able to live and love at all. Maggie ~ worth all the emotions...worth all of the risks!

We are still in the process of adopting Maggie. We covet your prayers as we continue to travel this journey God has put us on. We know that God is in control and His timing is perfect. It is evident to us as we look back and see how God put things into place. You see, we answered the call to adopt on January 26, 2007….the very same day Maggie Joy was born! Only God! Our next court date is next Tuesday, January 6th at 9:30am. This will be the pre-trial to the trial in March for termination of parental rights (TPR).

Michael & I are so thankful in how God continues to reveal Himself to us in new ways each day. We are thankful for our family who have walked with us on our journey, encouraging us, loving us and praying for us along the way. We are thankful for our friends ~ whose support, encouragement, prayers, late night conversations, crying sessions and laughing fits have carried us through the ups and downs of this year. We are thankful for our beautiful daughter, Maggie Joy, who has taught us more about love, acceptance and patience in 5 short months, than we’ve ever known before. Most of all, thankful to the Lord for all that He’s done this past year, and thank Him even now, for what He has planned for us in 2009!

May the Lord bless you and your family in the new year. Here's to family, friends, hopes, blessings and miracles! We are praying all these things for all of you, too!

Choose Joy

Here's how I define joy:

Joy: the unwavering trust that God knows what He’s doing and has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it… not despite what’s happening in my life but because of it. When everything earthly feels heavy He gives me an internal lightness that can’t be touched.

That's what it feels like and means to me. Take a minute today to think about what joy is for you and then take it one step further. Take a moment to leave yourself a note... on your nightstand, on your bathroom mirror, by your computer... leave yourself a reminder to stop, take a deep breath and consciously choose joy today.

Trust me, it's worth your time.

How would you define joy?

A little this...a little that...

I was trying to remember where I left off at my last post, as so much as happened between now and then. So I thought I'd just share a little of this and a little of that.

1. Maggie's CPS caseworker came by for a visit on Monday afternoon. He was not even aware of the visit that took place on Saturday (are you kidding me?!) and he apologized with how everything was handled. He documented everything that had been happening with Maggie and assured me that he would take care of this never happening again. He dropped off some Christmas presents for Maggie and went on his way.

2. Maggie continued to have nightmares and attachment issues through Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve night was the first night that she slept through the night without nightmares. We don't believe this was a coincidence. We have been praying for so long to be able to give Maggie a wonderful Christmas, as we were fairly certain she had not experienced this in the past. She went down at 9pm and didn't wake up until 9am Christmas morning. Thank you, Lord.

3. Michael & I embarked on our first, I'm sure of many, assembly projects Christmas Eve. It all started with 2 very long flat boxes.....that 5 hours later became this....

Thankfully this marathon was playing for 24 hours, since we didn't finish until 3:49am.
4. We had a wonderful 1st Christmas with Maggie. She was a bit overwhelmed at it all. We did not put the presents out until Christmas morning, since she would have no doubt, opened them all up before Christmas. She walked in to find this.
She loved everything...her kitchen, her books, Dora DVDs, clothes, toys, baby doll clothes and her Magna Doodle. She hasn't stopped playing with any of it.

The aftermath of Hurricane Maggie (aka Christmas Day presents)5. Later that afternoon, we joined the whole Crews clan for our family Christmas @ my brother and sister in law's house. There are 20 of us now(7 kiddos - 6 girls, 1 boy with 5 under the age of 6!)....can you tell from all the presents?
A great time was had by all! The kids always have so much being with all their cousins.

6) Momma has been busy trying to organize Maggie's play room. I sure am glad that I decided to transform our dining room into Maggie's play room a while back, otherwise, we'd be in trouble! I'll have to post before and after pics soon...I'm still working on it. Now, not so sure how long it will stay organized, but Maggie is good about putting things back in the right bucket/basket, etc. A girl after my own heart :)

7) I have watched more Dora the Explorer in the past few days than I have in the past 6 months.

8) I have been overly emotional this past week. I know alot of it has to do with all the events of last week, but I also think it's just part of being a Momma. Christmas took on a whole new meaning for me this year. This was our first Christmas morning as parents. We had a little girl sleeping in the other room....and we were going to be making such sweet memories with her. It was like experiencing Christmas for the first time. Every tradition took on a new meaning. It was just so neat to watch her experience opening up the presents and enjoying each new little toy with wild wonderment. She was so happy and playful and loving. Giving out tons of kisses and hugs. I sat back and found myself just staring at her, so curious as to what was going through her little mind. I loved watching her figure out the Magna Doodle and get so excited when she figured out she could erase what she drew. I loved seeing her push her baby in the stroller and the shopping cart, and trying to figure out which one to push next. I loved watching her play with her remote control puppy and getting so tickled with she barked and rolled over for her. I loved seeing Maggie read through her new books and want to play with her musical instruments (yes, we got her a tambourine and a recorder! crazy parents :) I watched as she explored her new kitchen, figuring out all the gadgets and amazed at how smart she already is (I'd like to think that we had a little to do with that :)

Most of all, I was thankful for the wonderful blessing that God has given to us in Maggie Joy. As we said on our Christmas card this year....

Last year's hope...this year's miracle!

A little break....Tag...I'm it!

My friend, Erica, tagged me tonight...and I relish in the idea of blogging about something frivilous :) Thanks, Erica!

8 TV Shows I Watch: (in the order they appear on my DVR)

1) Extreme Home Makeover: I always cry while watching. There are times that within the first minute, Michael will say ~ enough...can't do it. But I still watch. I'm amazed at what those guys can accomplish in just 7 days, but even more blessed by the generosity of our neighbors!

2) The Bachelor/ette: I can't wait to see what happens with Jason this season. I understand he's already engaged...I certainly hope he doesn't get duped like before with DeAnna. Poor Jesse.

3) Brothers & Sisters: Absolutely love love love this show!

4) Friday Night Lights: I'm soooo glad that we are DirecTV customers...not only do we get to see FNL but without commercials! Gotta love me some Eric Taylor and Riggins!

5) Private Practice: I've watched it from the beginning and it's growing on me. They have some interesting storylines, especially related to infertility.

6) Grey's Anatomy: Still llove the show, although they've had some "off" storylines. Where is McDreamy these days? I don't like that he's coming off as JUST Mer's boyfriend.

7) ER: I have NEVER missed an episode since it first aired 9/19/94...now that's what I call a dedicated fan. I'm sad to see it go off the air this year, but it's time. Looking forward to seeing Carter return...wish Doug Ross would too, but I think he's a little too busy these days to come back to the ER.

8) All My Children: Yes, I admit it. I watch AMC. I DVR it every day and I watch it every night. Even though he wouldn't want to say so, I've got Michael hooked on it too! :)

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1) Napolis: Seriously the best pizzeria in town.
2) Papasitos: Best chips & salsa hands down.
3) Mel's: Onion rings are to die for!
4) Schilleci's Cafe: best sandwiches around. I love their chicken salad and the club
5) Texan Wild Burgers: awesome burgers!
6) Cheesecake Factory: need I say more
7 & 8) can't think of any

8 Things that Happened to Me Today:
1) Got to work really early because there was no traffic (because everyone else is using their vacation, which I don't any left - boo hoo!)
2) Read through the Christmas letters that we've received so far (love going to the mailbox this time of year)
3) Looked through some pictures my friend, Cari, sent me of the snowstorm in Portland and her little boy and dog have a grand ol' time.
4) Braved going to HEB and getting some items for dinner tonight.
5) Helped Michael cook up his famous chicken tortilla soup.
6) Cleaned kitchen again
7) Picked up living room again
8) Said no, get down, don't touch, come here and love you more than I can count :)

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1) Maggie sleeping through the night without a nightmare
2) Wrapping all of Maggie's gifts tonight (I think I might've gone a little overboard this year...oh well :)
3) Putting together her kitchen tomorrow night with Michael (this feeling might change tomorrow at midnight :)
4) Our first Christmas with Maggie Joy :)
5) Being with the whole Crews family on Christmas Day. We're up to 20 of us now! Amazing Chaos!
6) A new year
7) Finalization of our adoption of Maggie
8) New birth certificate with Maggie Joy Thompson, daughter of Michael & Courtney Thompson

8 Things I Wish For:
1) a colder Christmas!
2)More couples/families to consider foster care adoptions. There are so many kiddos without families to love and care for them.
3) Positive pre-trial hearing on January 6th
4) Possible termination of birth mother's rights before March
5) Smaller waist
6) Take a photography class so I could get the most out of my awesome camera
7) Have some sort of business from home, so that I could be a full time Momma
8) For everyone to have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

Tag...you're it (whoever wants to and/or has time to) :)

It's been rough

Maggie appeared to be doing so much better this time around than after the last visit. She was able to take a bath as usual, whereas the last time, I had to get in the tub with her. She was able to go to sleep, albeit late, on her own, without having to fall asleep in my arms. So, when I put her down for sleep, my heart was more at rest because I hoped that maybe this time was different.

About 2am, Michael & I woke up the shrills of screaming. Oh no. Not again. So, I ran in there to comfort my baby and found her in the fetal position (this is how she slept for 2 weeks after the last visit). Poor baby was still asleep but having a nightmare. I gently shook her to get her out of it, she stopped screaming, reached up for me and I rocked her back to sleep. She woke up a few more times, we repeated the cycle and eventually she was up for the day @ 7:30. We had hoped to go to church, but it just wasn't going to happen.

This is where the day gets long and looks just like the last time. Maggie won't let go of me, she has a complete breakdown when I put her down (even for a minute). she won't go to Michael...only me. When I do put her down, she's very aggressive on herself, trying to inflict pain.

This went on all day and evening. She finally wore herself out at to fall asleep at 9pm. She didn't stir or make a peep all night...until 5am, when once again, we were awakened by the screams. There is nothing worse than waking up to the terrifying screams of your baby! This time, I just scooped her up and brought her in bed with us. She seemed much more relaxed but still clung on to me and wanting to hold Michael's hand. She slept for another 2 hours and now we're up again.

As of right now, she is laying down in the beanbag chair, covered in her favorite blankie, drinking her milk and watching her favorite show, Dora the Explorer...and I'm able to sit here and blog. So, I'm hopeful that today will be a better day. A better day for Maggie. It's not about me. Don't get me wrong ~ I am exhausted. I am frustrated. My heart is hurting for my baby...but that's what being a Momma is all about. You carry the world on you for your child. You do whatever it takes to protect them, care for them, love them. It's been rough...but God is still good.

Maggie's CPS caseworker is coming out this afternoon for his monthly visit. It was scheduled long before the visit was ever mentioned...so maybe this is a good timing after all.

The events of the day

I was on the other side of town this morning when I received a voicemail message at home stating that I was to bring Maggie for a visit with her birth mother in 3 hours. We knew that the visit was a possibility earlier in the week, but assumed that since we hadn't heard anything as of 10am this morning, that we were not going to have to deal with a visit...and we rejoiced. However...that was a little too soon, because we got the call @ 11am. Immediately I contacted Maggie's CASA worker to see if she was going to be at the visit. She didn't know anything about it. She immediately got on the phone and started making calls and I waited...why is this happening? Is CPS allowed to just give me 3 hours notice? Why are they pushing it? What about the best interest of the child? Everyone seems to have forgotten about that.

After many phone calls and deliberation, I was informed that I didn't have a choice. That I had to have Maggie at the visit at 2pm. They were not going to reschedule due to the fact that I wasn't home or in the area. They said that telling me last Wednesday that the visit might happen today, was enough warning and that I should've kept my day open and waiting for their call. (Sure. The last Saturday before Christmas. Ok). So the timing was my first issue.

My 2nd issue was that I was told that CPS would not be at the visit, but it would actually take place at a therapist's office, with the therapist supervising the visit. CPS would not be present, and neither would CASA. I was given an address and told to show up at 2pm. Issue with that? Security. Now, BM knows our name...now she can find out what car we drive, what our license plates are and/or better yet, follow us home. (This is something that CPS warned us about the last time ~ hence me dropping Maggie off in a back alley and handing her off to a CPS worker for the last visit). Guess they forgot about that. I brought up my concerns, and they said not to worry about it because BM would be there before me and can't leave until after me. Ok...what about her ride? What about police protection? Maggie's mother is a flight risk. Who's going to help if she tries to take Maggie? The therapist? Again, I was told it wasn't something for me to be concerned about. Ok. Sure.

I frantically call everyone that I know. I call my mom & dad at home...no answer. I call my mom's cell. no answer. my dad's cell. no answer. my best friend's house. no answer. her cell. no answer. and the list goes on...no one was answering their phone. Where is everyone? Oh yeah...it's the Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure they're just sitting at home, waiting for me to call them. I finally text my parents to basically tell them that I wasn't just calling to chat. Please call me.

My dad called and I said hi...and then broke down crying. Michael had to take the phone and tell him what was going on. Basically we needed to see if they could meet us in Conroe, switch cars so that I could drop Maggie off in a car that did not belong to us, so that we couldn't be traced. Dad said he'd call right back. Well, it was actually Mom. She said "what do you need us to do? Where do we need to be?" I told them that it wasn't for a couple of hours, so they could go back and enjoy the movie that I unfortunately interupted (I did apologize profusely but didn't feel as bad when they told me it was the most depressing movie they'd seen!).

In the meantime, our CASA worker dropped everything she was doing and drove to the therapist's office and was there before the BM even arrived, to ensure that she had an assessment of the situation. She was not allowed to take notes but she was able to observe the visitation. She has been a wonderful blessing to us!

We get on our way to the therapist office, hit tons of traffic, Maggie falls asleep. We're running late. I'm waiting on Mom & Dad to arrive at our meeting place. I see them coming. I jump out of the car. Take extra car seat out of back seat. Put in mom and dad's car. Wake Maggie up. Put her in the carseat really fast. Confused baby sitting next to me. Throw her bag in the car. Set out to find the therapist's office. We're 5 minutes late. Please don't be upset with us. It's been a rough day.

We find the office. Therapist is outside waiting. BM and CASA are inside. They cannot see us. We survey the area for cars, etc. Nothing looks suspicious. I take Maggie out of her car seat. She starts crying and grabbing. Doesn't want to let go. I hand her over to the therapist, trying to be happy and cheerful. She doesn't want me to leave. Cries for Momma. Arms stretched out...reaching. We wait until she goes inside. My dad said we needed to make sure that Maggie didn't think that we left her. (thanks, Dad!) Dad begins to back out and I start sobbing. There is nothing to say, but my mom's gentle pat on my knees is more than enough.

We go to Panera where I explain the events of the afternoon and how everything transpired.

It's been almost 2 hours. Time to head back. We drive around and again, check out the surroundings. We park on a side street. As we're waiting, we see a car that looks suspicious. Person looks even more suspicious. Gut tells me that this is BM's new husband. Tell Dad to park somewhere else. We drive around and wait to get the phone call. The suspicious car parks oddly and we avoid it. Receive phone call. Heart is racing. I want to get my daughter and run as fast as I can. Dad barely has car in park when my feet hit the concrete. At the door, I see the sweet face of my daughter...mouthing Momma...Momma...and banging on the door to get out. She comes running to me and buries her face in my chest. We say our goodbyes, get in the car and Dad speeds off. Maggie looks around and sees Nana, Dandy and Momma and she lets out a long deep soul filling sigh....it was if she could breathe...she could relax...she was safe. Dad drives out a different way and speeds off to where my car is. No long goodbyes. Just thanks...call you later...gotta go. And we were off. Once I was on the interstate, I relaxed a little and waited for CASA to call me to let me know what happened.

I was told that emotionally this visit was better on Maggie, in that she didn't have a complete meltdown when she encountered the BM, but she didn't want to have anything to do with her. BM didn't really do anything or say anything to her, without the coaching of the therapist. They let Maggie do her own thing and then tried to work within those areas. I was told that the BM kept saying "come to Mommy or where is Momma" and Maggie always went to the door or was looking around trying to find me. That made me feel good :) She knows who her momma is!

Our CASA worker said that Maggie's reactions today were a direct reflection of how very well she has adjusted and bonded to us, that she feels safe and secure in her new home and that she knows who her momma and daddy are. We are thankful.

So far tonight, Maggie has been quite clingy and a bit emotional but she did finally go down to bed, without too much fight. This was not the case last time. So, we are praying that she gets a peaceful night's rest and does not have any of the horrible nightmares she experienced last visit.

I have to be honest and say that I am absolutely spent...I have cried more today than I have in months. I have a horrible headache. My heart hurts for my baby. I don't know what is going to happen next. So, all we can do is trust in the Lord and in His continued faithfulness to protect us, provide for us, guide us and love us. He is our strength. He is our hope. He is our Father. So we lean on Him, trust in Him, and give Him all of our doubts and fears...for we know that He has already conquered the battle...we just have to push through the fight. If ever there was a time for us to walk the walk of the talk ... it is now.

Please pray for us as we continue to love Maggie and give her the best home that we can. Pray for Maggie as she encounters these visits and other disruptions, that her little heart will be protected. Pray that we won't live in fear but in knowing that victory is ours.

We love you all and appreciate your prayers and encouragement, friendship & love during this difficult times.

CPS visit today!

We just received a call that we are to bring Maggie up to visit with her birth mother at 2pm. Please pray with us. This has been a very difficult morning. Pray for protection over Maggie - for both emotional and physical. Pray for Momma & Daddy as we wait the 2 hours while the visit is taking place.

Maaaaa-ggeeeeee

We went to see Santa before the PPT meeting on Wednesday...and I have to say that I was quite pleased with how well Maggie did. You know honestly, I don't know who came up with the idea that kids would like to sit on the lap of a stranger, whose face you can hardly see. Anyhoo....she went right up to him, sat on his lap and allowed us to take a few pictures. (We got there right when they opened, no one in line...yippee!)

Later that evening, after the rough meeting, I decided to upload her Santa picture onto the computer to send out to all of you (since I know you can hardly wait to see pics of my cutie pie) :) Maggie loves to sit in our laps when we are on the computer. This night was no exception.

I brought the picture up and Maggie looked at the photo and said...Maaa-geeeee. I looked at Michael and Michael looked at me. We were in disbelief. Michael said - did she just say what I think she said? So I pointed to her in the photo and said, who is that? And she said Maaa-geeee. I burst into tears.

You see...this was the first time that Maggie had ever said her name. And on a day where we felt as if everyone else involved in our case failed to see that we were her parents, the Lord used this sweet little one to remind us that she was our daughter...and she does know her name. And more importantly, so does the Lord!

Privacy, emotions and more....

Well, aren't you some of my favorite people...to be stopping by and reading and walking with us on our journey to adopting Maggie. As you all know by now, I have had to make my blog private. I hope that you don't mind the extra step to log in, but it's really for Maggie's protection.

As I said in my last post, we had a PPT conference yesterday. The PPT conference included a moderator, CPS, attorneys for all parties involved (birth mother, birth father and Maggie), CASA (court appointed advocate for Maggie) and us. *Side bar....yes, there is an attorney assigned to the birth father. no, the birth father's identity is unknown. Great way to spend our hard earned money, don't you think? But that's another post!

I think we've shared in the past our need to be very careful about our identities and even cautious about where we go and what we do with Maggie, due to her birth mother's situation. We've been able to keep our identities hidden for almost 6 months. Typically in these meetings, we would be addressed as foster mom/foster dad. Our first and/or last names have never been uttered...until yesterday. Maggie's CPS caseworker addressed me a few times as Courtney. I couldn't believe it...but I was ok after a while thinking, well there are alot of Courtneys in the world, so there's no way for her to find out who I really am. Well, that is, until the caseworker switched and started calling Ms. Thompson! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! This sick feeling came over me and I just wanted to scream out ~ WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW BETTER! ~ but I couldn't say anything. I can't say anything. I was just devastated.

Again without going into too many details of the issues, the birth mother has basically kidnapped Maggie 2 other times from other states that had ongoing CPS cases open on her. She has threatened to stop at nothing to get her child back, no matter the cost. I know...it doesn't make sense, but that's part of her problem. Maggie is just a possession that she feels she needs to own. She does not love Maggie. She does not care about Maggie's well being. She doesn't ask about Maggie or how she is doing. She just wants to know when she can get Maggie back and that as soon as she gets Maggie, she will be "outta here and no one will find us this time".

With today's information highway right in front of our faces all day every day, you can find out just about anything you want on someone...so again, we were not at all happy with the fact that she now knows our names.

Visitation was also brought up. The first (and only) visit was in September and was horrible. Horrible for Maggie and just heartbreaking for us. It took her almost 3 weeks to recover from it. The judge agreed with CPS's recommendation that another visit shouldn't be granted until a play therapist could assess Maggie's well being. Only problem is that we have been unable to find a play therapist who will work with Maggie, due to the fact that she is not even 2 yet. The birth mother's attorney spoke up yesterday and stated that CPS was in violation of the law by not allowing the birth mother a visit. Unless there is a court order (which there is not) and/or a therapist stating that it's not in the best interest of the child (which we don't have) ~ the birth mom is entitled to a 2 hour visitation every month. So the attorney basically said we had 13 days to get in a 2 hour visit. Moderator agreed. CPS agreed.

Me ~ Absolutely speechless. Breathing heavy. Heart pounding. Face red. Eyes tearing up. What about Maggie? Who is fighting for my child? What about the fact that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks without nightmares or sleeping in our arms? What about the fact that she was absolutely terrorized by the 1 hour visit...and now you're saying she has to be there for 2 hours? And to do this 5 days before Christmas? I wanted to stand up and scream...No! You WILL NOT do this to my child. However, I can't say no. I don't have the choice to say no. I don't have the ability to protect my child from this woman and her 2 hour "right" to a visit. She gave up those rights when she neglected, abused and abandoned her child. And yet, the whole time yesterday, I felt that it was all about the birth mom....not about protecting the child and doing what was best for her.

This post has gone on much longer than I anticipated, but it's very therapeutic to write. Thanks for sticking with me. We covet your prayers as we await word of when the visitation will take place. We are still holding out hope that it will at least be after Christmas. We soooo want this Christmas to be the most special time for Maggie.

Just when I think I can't possibly love that sweet little girl anymore, the Lord opens my heart a little more and allows me to love her even more! Maggie is our daughter. She has been chosen for Michael & I. She is our JOY! She is our heart. She is our gift.

We will fight for you, Maggie Joy! We promise to keep you safe and healthy and happy. Momma & Daddy love you so much. You have brought so much love and life and joy into our hearts and into our home. We know that Jesus has you safely in the palm of His hands and that He knows each and every detail of your life. We trust that Jesus will keep you safe. Know that you are loved by so many.

PPT Conference

We have another PPT conference tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. This is where all parties involved in Maggie's case come together to discuss how everyone is doing/progressing, to confirm that everyone is still on the same page, and to hopefully exchange valuable information. The birth mother did not show up for the last meeting...not sure if she'll be there tomorrow or not ~ although, to be honest, I'd be surprised if she didn't show up. It's always a bit nerve-wracking to attend these meetings because there's always this fear that we'll be blindsided by something. Just another part of the emotional rollercoaster we call parenthood.

Maggie continues to thrive and flourish and grow. She continues to be a wonderful blessing to our entire family and we're so excited about our first Christmas together as a little family.

Thanks so much for your prayers and friendship. We'll be sure to keep you posted on how the conference goes.

"Ock...Momma...ock"

We finally have a good bedtime routine down these days! Maggie used to have to fall asleep in my arms or in my lap in our bed to fall asleep. About a month or so ago, we decided to try and put her to bed and let her fall asleep. She would eventually fall asleep...30 minutes or so later.

Tonight, however, was a different story. I gave Maggie her medicine, grabbed her "ba-ba", she gave Daddy a good night kiss, and off we went, hand in hand, to her room. She usually walks right to her crib and waits to be lifted up, gives me a kiss and lays down with her ba-ba. Not tonight. She walks into her room, takes a look at her Christmas tree with great admiration (she loves the lights) and she stands by the rocker in her room. (I've almost forgotten that it's even there...since she really hasn't had any interest in the rocking chair for months) I walk to the crib, not even realizing that she's not standing there and find her by the rocker. With the sweetest eyes, she looks up at me and says "ock...momma...ock". "Oh sweet pea, you want Momma to rock you?" "ock...momma...ock" So I scoop up my not-so-little one and I proceed to rock. She puts her ba-ba in her mouth and I begin to quietly hum. The next thing I hear is Maggie humming right along with me. She dropped her ba-ba, wrapped her hand around my finger and quickly fell asleep.

Can I tell you that I just sat there and cried? I was so overcome with emotion. I took this time with Maggie sleeping in my arms, to pray for her and over her. To ask the Lord to give me what I need to be the best momma for this sweet little girl. I was just so amazed to look down at this precious child of God, the child that God has chosen just for us, and to see how much she has grown and changed in the last 6 months and how much she has grown and changed me! I am not the same woman I was 6 months ago. I've seen my heart grow leaps and bounds beyond anything I thought imaginable, and I've seen some things in my heart that I so want to change. I want to be a better woman...a better wife...a better mother...a better friend. I want to be the best that I can be...for Maggie. She deserves so much. Before she came to us, she had so little. And in her little life, she has given so much.

It's so easy to get so busy that we don't stop and just look at the moment (especially around this time of year). I'm so glad that the Lord used my miracle baby to remind me that He is always with us and that He is waiting for us...when we're ready to be still....and just "ock".

Thanksgiving

Today was our first Thanksgiving as a little family. We had breakfast together and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Maggie couldn't take her eyes off of the tv and she was constantly saying "WoW! Wow!" We then watched the dog show that came on right afterwards. Puppies are her favorite things right now. Everything with legs is a puppy (and anything with feathers is a ducky). She eventually went down for her nap. I ran up to the gas station to grab a paper, just for the ads. Didn't really see much of anything that I just couldn't live without, and especially not to be in line for a 4am opening. Thanks but, no thanks...I appreciate my sleep too much these days!

I decided to try a new WW recipe for pumpkin pies and Maggie helped me every step of the way. There was a huge mess in the end, but we had lots of fun and the pies were yummy!

We then started pulling out all the Christmas decorations. Michael kept saying - this should be interesting. The Queen of Touching Everything rules the house right now. She has to investigate and touch and move and look at every single thing. Those who know me, know that I go all out at Christmas...and this year will be no exception. I am determined to make it work :) I even put a little tree in her room. She keeps walking around saying "lights, lights" She even kissed the snowman nightlight "night-night" tonight before heading off to bed. Such a sweetie.

We decided to put off putting up the big tree until after she went to bed. What a surprise she will find tomorrow morning when she wakes up. And I can't wait :)

As I sift through all my Christmas items and remember where I put things last year, there is just this overwhelming sense of joy that comes over me. Joy because Maggie Joy is here with us! The miracle that we were believing for last Christmas is a reality this year. We are celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with our daughter. My heart is so full.

As we celebrate this day, I am reminded to be thankful in ALL things and at ALL times...even when we don't want to be thankful or know how to be. Our Heavenly Father has blessed us with so much. I just pray that we don't take it for granted, and that we never forget what Christ has done for His children.

May the Lord bless you and your family during this holiday season. Here's to family, friends, hopes, blessings and miracles!

Confusion....

Trial is set for January 16th...
Trial is set for March 16th....
Trial is set for January 6th....

....um....ok...well, which date is it? Three different answers from 3 different agencies. It really is quite confusing and as well as I do with keeping it straight, the real issue is that no one talks to each other and therefore confusion sets in.

Last night, Maggie's new CPS caseworker stopped by for a short visit. I had not met him before, but he was present at Maggie's visitation with her birth mother. He was nice enough ~ very quiet, didn't say much. I felt like I had to do all the talking, which is not normally a problem, but you also want to be careful about what you say/don't say to the caseworkers. You don't want to ask the wrong questions or bring up things you're not supposed to know (note to self: remember to NOT say this or that). He was very hard to read, well, they all are. Thankfully Maggie was in a good mood and the visit didn't last long. I try my best to not read into things, but again, easier said than done.

As of right now, pre-trial is scheduled for some day in January (he didn't know the exact date) and that trial is scheduled for March 16th (oh ok...that's where that date fits in). He also said that there is another PPT conference the week before Christmas. My gut tells me that this will be a big push for Maggie's bio-mom to get a visit. The judge has said that no visits can take place without a play therapist present, and since Maggie doesn't turn 2 until the end of January, no one will see her before then. We're hopeful that the holidays don't change the judge's mind ~ which happens alot. It's soooo frustrating to see a system who says that their goal is to do what is best for the child, and yet children are put through visitations that are unhealthy, or worse yet, returned to biological parents who can barely take care of themselves, let alone another person.

Something is so terribly wrong with our system and it's processes. I have friends who are still waiting for adoptions to be finalized 18 months after the fact and worse yet, friends who have had children removed from the best environment for them. It doesn't make sense. The only thing I can cling to is that God is in control. Nothing is a surprise to Him. He has all of us right where we are supposed to be. This walk of faith, we call life, isn't easy...but if it were, then what would faith be?

So, even though there is alot of confusion with the system and our adoption process...one thing I am completely clear on is this....

Jesus KNOWS me....this I LOVE!

Court Update

The court hearing went really well yesterday. We had a visiting judge, which could have been a disaster, but it wasn't! Bio-mom has taken 2 parenting classes (since May) and did complete the psych evaluation, but the results aren't back yet. Judge said that no more visitations could take place, unless a play therapist was present during the visit. However, there aren't any play therapists who will see Maggie due to her age (have to be at least 2, and usually 3)...so it's a loophole. This was our biggest concern. We did not want any more visits, due to how Maggie responded to the last one. The judge was informed that Maggie is in the best place possible and that she is with the family that wants to adopt her. The judge was happy to hear that.

The next court date is set for 1/16/09 and this will be the trial for termination of rights. This will be 6 months to the day that Maggie has been in our home...and we KNOW that this is no coincidence, as the state requires that the child be in your home for 6 months before you can file for adoption. Isn't it neat to see how God works everything in His perfect timing? We were happy to hear that the next court date is the trial, as usually there is at least 1, if not 2, more hearings before this takes place. However, due to the severity of the case and Maggie's young age, they aren't going to prolong it any longer. Everyone is on board with termination, and the only person who thinks the bio-mom should get Maggie back is bio-mom.

We have been assigned a new case worker. He is apparently very young and a newbie...so that's probably a good thing, as he'll be really "excited" to be a part of making the system better, etc. We were told to not anticipate hearing much between now and the trial, as things are winding down and they have all the information they need.

Thanks for your prayers! God listened!

Verses I claim tonight

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory." Ephesians 3:20-21

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

"The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." Psalms 143:8

Court on Monday

We have another court date on Monday, the 10th, at 9:30am. We would appreciate your prayers as we continue on the road of adopting Maggie.

This hearing is basically to check in on if the biological mother is doing anything that the court has asked her to do (which to our understanding is a big NO!) and to make sure that no more visitations are granted. We have been informed that our case is being reassigned to another caseworker after the hearing. Not sure if this is good or not...guess we'll find out, but it's the nature of the system.

Again, we will not be present in the courtroom, due to safety and security issues involving the bio mom finding out who we are and where Maggie is.

God is in control and He already knows how the morning will go, but we do appreciate your prayers as we wait. We'll be sure to update you after we know something.

We are so thankful for all your prayers, encouragement and support along our journey. We are blessed!

Seven Prayers A Day

I read alot of blogs (don't we all?) and one of my favorite's is Angie Smith's. Her most recent post really encouraged me. The post is about how we can be praying specifically for our children.

One of the most important things I am priveleged to do as a mother is to pray for my child every day.

Here are the 7 prayers for 7 days that I'm joining in with Angie: (even though some of these might not apply to Maggie, due to her young age, I feel it's never too early to start!)

1. When they wake up: "Let the morning bring Maggie word of your unfailing love, for she has put her trust in You. Show her the way she should go, for to you she lifts up her soul." (Adapted from Psalm 143:8)

2. When they are getting dressed: "Therefore, as God's chosen child, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Lord, help her bear with others and forgive whatever grievances she has against others. Help her forgive as the Lord forgave her. And over all these virtues, help her put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Adapted from Colossians 3:12-14)

3. While they are eating: "Teach Maggie the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Teach her that she can do everything through him who gives her strength." (Adapted from Philippians 4:12-13)

4. When they go out of the house: "Maggie, do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Adapted from Romans 12:2)

5. While they are taking a bath: Lord, give Maggie clean hands and a pure heart, and let her not lift her soul to an idol or swear by what is false. Let her receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God her Savior. Let her be part of the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob. (Adapted from Psalm 24:4-6)

6. When they are going to bed: "The Lord Your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, be will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

7. While they are sleeping: "I pray that Maggie will do everything without complaining or arguing, so that she may become blameless and pure, a child of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which she shines like a star in the universe as she holds out the word of life-in order that she may boast on the day of Christ that she did not run or labor for nothing." (Adapted from Ephesians 2:14-16)

I know God is able to do incredible things in and through our children. May God bless each of us as we try to do our best in bringing them up in the ways of the Lord.

Lately....

I feel as if I never have enough time....

my house is a wreck, books and magazines are unread, bills aren't filed away, pictures aren't posted, beds aren't made, clothes are waiting to be put away, pantry is empty, flowers are wilting....

...but my girl is smiling and laughing, running and playing, hugging and kissing, giggling and jibber-jabbering....

and I couldn't be happier about not having enough time.

Email from my momma

I received an email from my momma a few weeks back when I was really fearful of our situation with Maggie's adoption. Satan was on the attack big time. I have kept this email as a reminder, and just revisited it again this morning when more fear set in. As I was encouraged yet again, I thought I would share it with you. Surely, there are those of you out there who could use the reminder, too! All I can say is thank you Lord, for our Mommas....what would we do without them?! I love you Mom!

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Sorry you’ve had such a rough week. I know full well where fear can and does lead; it’s our greatest enemy and Satan’s greatest tool. We can’t allow our minds “to go there.” This is such a testing time for everybody, from world conflict, economic collapse, you name it. We are being forced to walk by faith; we say we do, we say we believe that’s the only way to live, but we don’t always do it, really….none of us because usually we can manage to “do life” in our own strength.

All to say, I remember doing a word study in scripture on fear. Fear is written more than 400 times in the Bible, and with very few exceptions, it is always in the contact of “Fear NOT.” The only other times it was in the context of fearing God, as in being in awe of Him. We know we’re not to fear; God is trustworthy, He knows everything; HE isn’t surprised by anything, and He is still in control. So now we get to really live out what we know in our minds and trust in our hearts.

We can’t allow Satan to overwhelm us, defeat us and destroy us with his fear tactics. Yes, any number of horrible things can happen, BUT……God loves Maggie more than anyone can, knows what is best for her, has certainly protected her, has not brought her into your lives by chance, and He is able to accomplish everything He promises. I always love reading the Psalms because David is so gut honest. He rants, raves, asks God to destroy his enemies, crush them, rails about the injustices…….and after he finishes venting, he gets to the big BUT…..BUT GOD. In spite of all the horrible junk, God is at work. David remembers again that God is able and will work things out, even though it doesn’t look like it at all, and the timing never seems to look right to us. He tells us to rest, not to panic, trust….it goes against everything human in us. I’m praying and believing that God is working all this out, that Maggie will remain with you always, you will adopt her, God will protect all of you from any harm, and He is keenly aware of all the details.

One foot in front of the other; that’s all we can do. I’m so glad He doesn’t say we are to run by faith…..couldn’t do it. Walking…..one foot after the other……literally one step at a time….that is more doable. Sometimes it’s painful to even walk, but I’m praying that we can all keep moving.

I’m confident that all this will become a memory to look back on and say how wonderfully God worked in every detail. Just know that we are praying with and for you, trusting God to work, and believing that this will absolutely turn out for GOOD.

Love you!
Mom

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Surgery Scheduled

We finally received confirmation this morning that Maggie's surgery will take place Friday morning. The plan is to have her tonsils and adenoids removed, as well as tubes put in her ears. Normally, this is an outpatient surgical procedure and not a big deal, however, due to Maggie's age and her severe sleep apnea, we have been told to expect to be admitted for 3 -5 days. We are hopeful that this is just a precaution and won't be necessary. We know that we will have to stay at least 1 day.

Even though the procedure is necessary and I know will make her feel so much better, it's still hard to let go of your little one...but we know that God's hands will be directly the surgeons hands and that His presence will be known in that operating room.

Please pray that the surgery is without any complications, that the surgeons have steady hands and clear minds, that Maggie recovers well, and that Momma & Daddy remain composed and able to comfort our sweet little one.