Spirited Child

The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more. They are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children. All children possess these characteristics but spirited kids possess them with a much bigger depth and range than others.

It's difficult to describe what it is like to be the parent of a spirited child. The answer keeps changing; it depends on the day, even the moment. How does one describe the experience of sliding from joy to exasperation in seconds, ten times a day? How does one explain the "sense" at eight in the morning that this will be a good day or a dreadful one?

The good days couldn't be better. The dreadful days are another story. On those days, you're not sure you can face another 24 hours with your child. It's hard to feel good as a parent when you can't even get her socks on, when every word you've said to her has been a reprimand, when the innocent act of serving pizza instead of the expected chicken nuggets incites a riot, when you realize you've left more public places in a huff with your child in 2 years than most parents do in a lifetime.

You feel weary, drained, and much too old for this.

On the bad days, being the parent of a spirited child is confusing, frustrating, taxing, challenging, and guilt-inducing. You may wonder if you are the only parent with a child like this, scared of what is to come if you don't figure out what to do now in the early years.

Webster's dictionary defines spirited as: lively, creative, keen, eager, full of energy and courage, and having a strong assertive personality. Spirited - it feels good, sounds good, communicates the exciting potential of children, and yet honestly captures the challenge faced by their parents. When we choose to see our children as spirited, we give them and ourselves hope. It pulls our focus to their strengths rather than their weaknesses, not as another label but as a tool for understanding.

Maggie is my spirited child.

There are 5 distinct characteristics of a spirited child:

1. INTENSITY: The loud, dramatic spirited child is the easiest to spot. Maggie doesn't cry; she shrieks! She's noisy when she plays, when she laughs, and even when she takes a bath (singing at the top of her lungs, etc). There is rarely a middle of the road. She never whimpers; she wails. She can skip into a room, smiling and laughing only to depart 30 seconds later inflamed. Her tantrums are raw & enduring.

2. PERSISTENCE: If an idea or an activity is important to Maggie, she can "lock" right in. She is committed to her task, goal-oriented and unwilling to give up. Getting her to change her mind is a major undertaking. She is not afraid to assert herself.

3. SENSITIVITY: Keenly aware, Maggie is quick to respond to the slightest noises, smells, lights, textures, or changes in mood. She is easily overwhelmed in crowds by the barrage of sensations. Getting her through a shopping center, long services, fall festivals or family gatherings without losing her to a fit of tears is a major achievement. Dressing can be a torture. A wayward string or a scratchy texture can make clothes intolerable. Every sensation and emotion is absorbed by her, including my feelings.

4. PERCEPTIVENESS: If I were to send Maggie to her room to get dressed ~ she'll never make it. Something along the way - perhaps something on the television - will catch her attention as she walks by and she'll forget about getting dressed. It can take 10 minutes to get her from the house to the car. She notices everything - the latest oil spill, the white feather in the bird's nest, and the dew in the spider web.

5. ADAPTABILITY: Maggie is uncomfortable with change. She hates surprises and does not shift easily from one activity or idea to another. If she was expecting hot dogs for supper, heaven forbid if we should decide to eat something else. Adapting to change, any change, is tough: ending a game in order to come to lunch, changing clothes for different seasons, getting in the car, and getting out of the car.

Being the parent of a spirited child can be lonely. To ignore Maggie's tantrums is ridiculous. She can rage for an hour because I opened the door when she was expecting to do it for herself. Send her to her room for a time-out and she is liable to tear it apart. There is no distracting her from something she wants. Even if the something is off limits, she will climb over, under, or around the barriers to return to it. As a result, I can feel overwhelmed, wondering what I am doing wrong, chastising myself for not "getting control" and thinking that I am the only parent in the world with a child who acts this way.

As we go day to day, my hope and prayer is that we can learn & grow to create a family where spirit thrives! I want to concentrate on strengths, appreciate her tender heart, and enjoy the delights of my spirited little girl.

*Excerpts from Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka* I've just started the book but already finding it very helpful!