Dear Pediatrician - my true thoughts

Dear Pediatrician,

I did what every parent would do when their child wakes up sick. I called your office and made an appointment. We didn't have to wait too long before being put into a room and your nurse was so very nice. You could tell that she really loves kids, as she was more than sweet to my daughter.

We waited in the room for about 15 minutes, which of course, feels like an eternity with a high energy sick 2 1/2 year old. You entered the room and completely ignored me. You didn't acknowledge me at all. You just picked up the chart, starting writing something, sat in your chair and proceeded to listen to my daughter's chest with your stethoscope. Those stethoscopes sure are fun to little kiddos, as you witnessed when my daughter constantly reached for it and touched it. Did you not know that? Is this something new to you? I wondered if that was the case, since you were very abrupt and almost mean to my daughter for wanting to touch it. Moving on. You go to check her ears and nose with the light scope. Fine. She's had that done many times before. Never bothered her before yesterday. I'm pretty sure it's because you didn't let her know what you were doing before hand or show her the light, like all other doctors and nurses have done in the past. Something to consider. After all of that, now you ask rather harshly for her to open her mouth and say "aaaaaahhhhh". She didn't want to. (wonder why?) So you stand up, march over to the wall and grab a tongue depressor and say, open up and say "aaahhh" or I'll have to do it the hard way (while waving the tongue depressor in front of her face). Sure, she opened up and I do believe that when she stuck her tongue out at you, it was not because she was trying to be agreeable :)

You continued to write more in her chart. My daughter is walking around the room making noises, talking, etc. You ask me, "how old is she?" I said: "2 1/2" I'm thinking....all you have to do is look at her chart. I could also tell that something else was about to happen. You proceeded to ask me the following questions: "Why isn't she talking more?" "Have you had her evaluated for her delays?" "Doesn't she know how to stay quiet in a public place?" "Do you read to her? If you do, then you're not reading enough." Before I could pick up my jaw and respond, my daughter reaches for her bottle that is my purse. Oh great...here we go. You went on to say, "She is 2 1/2 years old and she is still on a bottle? She is way too old to be on a bottle". I'm still in shock and trying to compose myself and not scream at you...when you tell me that my daughter is behind on her shots. You asked me why I've allowed that to happen and why don't I care enough to have her vaccinated? With my blood now boiling, I explained to you that the last visit we had, the PA told me that my daughter was finally up to date on shots. And we rejoiced. Now you're telling me that she still has 3 shots left? I was told that these were optional. You interrupted me and said, I don't know why you think that, I am the doctor. She has 3 shots left. (side note to those reading this, while your child is in foster care, if the doctor recommends/dictates something, you don't have the authority to refuse). Fine. Give her the shots. She already feels crappy anyway - why don't we just add more to the day.

Ok...that's it...listen here lady. I understand that you are the doctor. That's why I am here. If I could write the prescription myself or go to another doctor, I would. However, I am not a doctor. I am a momma. I am here to protect my child. So, I come to you for help. I am fully aware of the fact that my daughter does not have the vocabulary that some other 2 1/2 year olds do. I also know that she is very active and makes a lot of noise. And yes, I do read to her everyday and she loves it. I believe that I am doing everything in my power to expand her vocabulary and enhance her skills. I also understand that most 2 1/2 year olds aren't on the bottle anymore. She wouldn't normally have the bottle with her in the middle of the day, but if you recall, she is sick. She didn't want to drink anything unless it was in the bottle. I figured that getting liquids in was more important than the container they were in. So I gave her the bottle...and you know what, I hesitated to even bring it in your office today because I knew that you would make a comment about it. But, I was looking out for my daughter's best interest...and at that particular moment, drinking from the bottle was more vital than the anger in hearing what you were going to say.

I am fully aware of all these things, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I worry about these things more deeply than you can even imagine. I don't like to bring up my child's history in front of everyone, especially her, because she doesn't need to feel different and I fear that she will start to understand some of the negativity that comes from these conversations. Next time, think before you speak. And whatever negative thoughts you have, keep them to yourself. You can't possibly have anything to say that we haven't already said to ourselves.If I could hide my daughter's history of abuse and neglect in the first 17 months of her little life, I would do it in a heartbeat. But that's not reality. Reality is this: my daughter lived in 40 different places before she turned 17 months. For most of that time, she was left alone to lay in a crib with a bottle for 18+ hours a day. Never to be held. Never to be changed or fed. Never to be hugged or loved on. So you see, for the last year, my husband and I have done everything that we can to ensure that our daughter is loved and cared for. And if that means that she still takes a bottle, isn't potty trained, delayed in her vocabulary, high spirited in nature, too loud for most people's liking at the age of 2 1/2 but feels loved, secure and safe with her momma and daddy, then I think we've done our job.

After all, I'm just a momma lovin' on her sweet girl....

Connections & Community

Through this wonderful thing we call a blog, I have been blessed to join so many on their journeys. Journeys of life ~ whether it was a medical crisis, a newborn baby, a recent marriage, friends' daily lives, funny stories & pictures, but many of the journeys involved infertility, foster care and adoption (all 3 very close to my heart). While each person's journey is different, there is still an instant connection with many...when you find someone that understands what you are going through. Maybe it's because they have walked the same path and they are leading the way for you or maybe now you've become the leader to someone new on their journey. Whatever it is, it's community. Common interests, common issues ~ a place to come together and know that you're not alone.

This weekend, I had the awesome privilege to finally sit down face to face with 2 great women within my community. The 3 of us are interconnected in so many ways. We know so many of the same people and yet only met because of our blogs and because of our journeys within the foster care system. When we finally got to hug each other on Saturday, it was if we'd always had those hugs. It was so neat to just be able to talk and share our experiences, each one very different, and yet still the same. You see, the foster care/ adoption community is small and we yearn to know those that know what it's like. It's not easy. People don't understand. It was so nice to be able to just talk and not have to explain what I mean...and to just know that they knew what I was saying.

Jocelyn has already had 6 little ones in her home in 2 1/2 years, Jess has just been licensed for foster care and we've gone the foster-to-adopt route with Maggie. Even though our journeys are different, we are connected.

To know you are not alone is a powerful gift. To know that you can share your deepest struggles with parenting a neglected & abused child & not feel ashamed or a horrible parent is priceless. It's wonderful to be able to let our guards down, to be honest, and to know that we understand.

Thank you, sweet sisters, for the time spent together on Saturday. I appreciate you both, more than words, and so thankful that the Lord brought us into each others' lives.

Sleep Test Results

I finally got a hold of someone @ TCH today. Maggie's surgeon is out of the country but the nurse was nice enough to pull the test results for us. She could only tell me that Maggie's test came back showing she has moderate to severe apnea. She doesn't know how to interpret the results, so she had a PA call me back.

The PA gave me the same results and said that we needed to have another sleep test done with the CPAP machine. She warned me that this is very rough on someone so young, but it needed to be done. She also said that the doctor would most likely want to do a scope to see if there were any other obstructions. Apparently the results were enough to cause concern, especially for someone Maggie's age. She went ahead and put in the order for the sleep test and we should be called in the next week or so to have it scheduled. Hopefully, we'll get lucky again and get a canceled spot and not have to wait too long. Thankfully we don't have to wait to see the doctor before having the test done, as the first available appointment to see her doctor is not until October 1st.

Being that Maggie's medicaid benefits will end when the adoption is final, we were hoping to get everything taken care of before then. She will be added to our policy as soon as she's legally ours, but medicaid pays for everything in full (and that's always a nice thing!) It is possible, that due to this new information, we might be able to get her Medicaid benefits extended. I'm not sure - still waiting to hear back from her CPS adoption worker.

As for the the adoption, we haven't heard anything new. We weren't holding our breath that we would actually get our denial paperwork last week, or to receive her complete file. So, maybe we'll learn something this week.

Hard to believe that it's already the end of July. The last year has definitely flown by!

90 days!

I remember C (foster care caseworker) telling us that Texas now has a 90 day waiting period on adoptions once rights are terminated. We likened it to a possible "appeal" time frame. We weren't worried but we thought...man, another 90 days?! Well, the 90 days were up yesterday and the time FLEW by. I seriously don't know where the last 3 months went?!

So today, E (CPS adoption worker) submitted our subsidy paperwork to the state. It's part of the process. We know we'll be denied because Maggie doesn't qualify. They should return the denial very quickly (hopefully by end of the week).

We are still waiting for the legal department to provide us with Maggie's complete case history file for us to review. I don't think that we'll learn anything new, but you never know?! But we're required to read it (not sure why anyone would chose NOT to?!) We're also supposed to review it for our/Maggie's protection. Our personal information should be redacted from the file, but it allows us another look to make sure nothing was missed.

As we mark these milestones ~ termination of rights, Gotcha Day, end of waiting period ~ we are reminded over and over again that God is in control, that His timing is perfect, and that every hiccup/frustration/delay in the process that we felt along our journey was all a part of His plan all along. It's a great reminder to just sit back and enjoy the journey. We'll get to where we need to be, when we need to get there!

Happy Gotcha Day!

I know most people use the term "Gotcha Day" for the date their adoption is finalized. But Michael & I feel very strongly that our Gotcha Day was one year ago today, when Maggie was brought to our home and our dream of becoming parents came true. What a blessing she is!

Happy first year together, sweet baby girl! We love you more than anything or anyone else in the world. You have brought us more joy than we could have ever imagined and have become such a big girl in just one year! We are so proud of you and love you so much.

Love you to the moon & back!
Momma & Daddy

As I finished up this post, the most beautiful song started playing from a new album I had just downloaded. I so wish that I could post the song for you to hear, but I can't find any video anywhere online, so the words will have to do for now.(or go and listen online!) This is our prayer for Maggie Joy - that the Lord will forever hold on to Maggie so that she will in turn, hold tightly to Jesus.

HOLD ON TO JESUS
by Erin O'Donnell from the album, Sing Over Me: Worship Songs & Lullabies

You're a little piece of heaven
You're a golden ray of light
And I wish I could protect you
From the worries of this life
But if there's one thing I could tell you
It's no matter what you do
Hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you

The world will try to tell you
That might is more than right
That beauty's on the outside
And being good's a losing fight
But remember what I've told you
Because the world will make you choose
Hold to Jesus
He's holding on to you

Hold on to Jesus
Cling to His love
Rest deep in His mercy
Whenever things get rough
Don't lose sight of His goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holding on to you

Hear me dear Jesus
Rock this little one to sleep
Keep her close when she's scared
And give her grace when she is weak
I know she'll stumble
But I know she'll make it through
If you hold on to her just like
You said You'd do
Hold her Jesus
And she'll hold on tight to You

Who was that little girl.....

in the body of my Maggie last night? I didn't recognize her! I can't begin to tell you how positive the experience was with the sleep study last night.

Of course, there are always some delays in any appointment and last night was no different. We were told to be there @ 6pm for the study to start @ 7pm. They had 3 little ones to test that night and they were all running around in the play area having fun, while the parents chit-chatted @ what was going on with each child. They didn't bring us back to the lab until 7:30pm. Each family was given a fairly large room - the accommodations were very nice. Maggie immediately jumped up into her big bed, asked for her baba and seemed to be ready to go to sleep. Oh if it were only that easy! The tech told us to get comfortable and they'd be back @ 9pm (Maggie's normal bedtime) to get started. So, we got ready for night night and we put in Finding Nemo (her favorite!) I was MORE than happy to know that they had a DVD player. I seriously doubt that our evening would have gone as well as it had, if it hadn't been there.

9pm came and we got started. The techs were great. The one guy setting Maggie up was really good to show her how nothing was going to hurt, and even let her play with sticking the wires on him. She wasn't too sure about the long leads/wires on her legs, but once those were on and she could sit back down and watch Nemo she was ok. Then they measured her head, put all kinds of goopy sticky stuff all over her head and began to hook her up. There were wires everywhere. I was pretty amazed at how much was involved. There were also monitors on her chest for heart, a pulse ox on her finger (which she actually thought was very cool because it had a light on it) and some straps around her chest. The only thing that really bothered her were the 2 nasal cannulas/monitors placed in her nostrils and right under her nose. She cried for just a minute, tried to pull them out, but then seemed ok with it. They topped it all over with a stocking over her head to keep all the wires in place, and bunch of tape over that.

Here are a few pictures of all the tape, goop and wires that were used - just a few, don't you think?



There are a few questions they ask at the end to make sure that all the sensors are reading properly, etc. They asked Maggie to keep her eyes closed for 1 minute. I thought to myself, are you kidding me? But she did it. They told her to follow my finger from right to left, up and down without moving her head. She did it. They asked her to breathe just through her nose. She did it. And now just through her mouth. She did it. They asked her to move her right foot and then her left foot...and she did it. WHAT?! I was shocked! What a brave sweet little girl I have!

The 3 hours prior to the study actually starting, I was praying my heart out. Please Lord, let her be calm. Let this disruption not upset her. Let her behave (PLEASE!). Please no tantrums. If I'm honest, alot of the praying was so that it would be easier for me to deal with her. How selfish is that? Maggie is a VERY active, non-stop little girl. I have NEVER seen her sit still for an hour and a half, even to watch her favorite movie...let alone while people are bothering her. I don't know what came over my sweet child, but I was so thankful. And then I felt so badly for not having more confidence in her and for feeling so selfish. I knew that she was going to be just fine. The testing isn't painful but I just didn't think she would respond as well as she did. I can only say that Jesus was present in that room last night and there was a peace over Maggie's little body that I've never seen on her before. I was so thankful.

She fell asleep around 10:15 and she was woken up at 6:40 this morning. She usually goes to bed around 9 and wakes up around 8. So she definitely didn't get her hours in. However, her sleeping pattern was pretty much the same. I kept thinking, I sure hope this isn't like one of those times when you hear something in your car & when you finally take it in to the shop, nothing can be found. I kept thinking...watch us go through all of this and she doesn't wake up in the middle of the night, doesn't move, doesn't make any noises or cry out...but that wasn't the case. She had a typical night of rest. She wakes up about 4 - 5 times in the night, cries out for me or her bottle, and goes back to sleep. Evidence that she is not sleeping soundly or getting into a deep sleep. I don't think that she still has sleep apnea. I really do believe that the TNA surgery back in October corrected all of that. However, it's customary to test again after surgery and we wanted to make sure that we got it checked out. We should have the test results on Monday and we'll go from there.

I don't know how anyone can sleep with all of this...but she did it...with the help of her baba (bottle), boppie (pacifier), her favorite puppy from Nana & Nemo on the tv. I am one proud Momma!


Thanks for all your prayers, for my sweet angel & especially her Momma :)

Next post: 1 year anniversary - Gotcha Day!

Friday Night Excitement

...if that's what you want to call it! I'm trying to rev myself up for tonight's big adventure...Maggie's sleep study test! Happy Happy Joy Joy :) Can you feel the excitement in the air?! WHOO HOO! Yeah!

Anyhoo....

I'm trying to stay very positive and not focus on the fact that Maggie does not do well in new places, confined beds, or that she can't sit/lay still for more than 2 minutes these days.

We are scheduled to be @ TCH tonight @ 6pm. I'm off to take a nap with the anticipation of not getting much sleep tonight. I'm also bringing my melatonin to help :) We should hopefully be home by "normal" breakfast time.

I'll be sure to update you then...happy Friday everybody :)

Sleep Test

When Maggie had her follow up with her surgeon about a month ago, she suggested that Maggie undergo another sleep apnea test. They said someone would call to schedule it with me within 2 weeks. I didn't hear from anyone, so I followed up last week and sure enough, they didn't even have her file/information (no surprise there). However, the scheduler did call me back the next morning and said that the next opening would be on Friday, September 11th....yikes...another 2 months? She asked if I'd like to be placed on a waiting list, and I said absolutely.

I was a bit discouraged, because I really hoped to get this done before her benefits ran out (with the hope that the adoption would be finalized by then). We felt, though, that it would all work out.

The very next day I get a call saying that there has been a cancellation and can we do the study this Friday night? Thank you, Lord! He indeed worked it out, just like He always does!

Honestly, I'm not sure how Maggie will handle the testing. I don't know how any child would. It will be done @ TCH so they obviously specialize in children, so hopefully it won't be that bad. For those of you who have been around Maggie know that she is QUITE active (understatement of the year). I just don't know how she's going to not want to pull everything off of her and sit still long enough to get her hooked up to everything....and then actually fall asleep in the bed @ the hospital. Should make for an interesting night....for Maggie & Momma. One of us is required to stay over (not that I would leave her there alone anyway) so I guess I can get some reading done or watch a movie on the DVD player. We have to be there @ 6pm and will be released @ 8am the next morning. Hopefully it will all go smoothly :)

On another note, Maggie's adoption caseworker stopped by for her monthly visit today. She said that everything was pretty much ready to go. Monday will be the end of the 90 day waiting period. She'll file some paperwork the very next day and hopefully we'll get Maggie's complete CPS history file to review. We will also be allowed to remove/redact any information that we want to be sure to have removed (like any mention of our name or address, etc) that may have been overlooked. Then we will get the Adoption Placement papers & hopefully a court date for August.

There is light at the end of the tunnel....and it's getting brighter every day! :)

One year ago today....

I was getting my nails done and my cell phone rang. The Caller ID said HOMES4GOOD. Honestly, I didn't think much of it. We were just licensed the day before, so I figured that they were just calling to say something about that. Then, my heart starting racing. WE HAVE A CASE WE WANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU. What?! Are you kidding me?! You can relive the day with us here.

And so the next step of our journey began. The next 11 days were filled with so many things ~ meetings with caseworkers and therapists to find out all we could about this sweet little girl they were presenting to us; praying; shopping; praying; cleaning; praying some more; preparing our home and our hearts for OUR DAUGHTER; giving my boss a one week notice for my 8 week maternity leave. Those 11 days went by so fast! We couldn't believe how quickly our lives changed but we couldn't have been any more excitement or joyful! We called/emailed/texted/blogged/facebooked as many people as we could to spread the amazing news that Michael & I would soon be known as Momma & Daddy!

As much as we prepared, we couldn't have ever been fully ready for the amazing blessing of Maggie Joy and her presence in our lives. Our hearts were overflowing and our new life was just beginning....