Solving the Puzzle of Difficult Behavior

Adopted and foster children deserve deep compassion and respect for what they may have endured before they were welcomed into your home. Some of these little ones have survived ordeals that defy the imagination. On a night while we ate steak and fresh vegetables, safe in our comfortable house and enjoying warm conversation with our family, this child might have gone to bed hungry, dirty, and lonely, even rummaging in garbage cans for food. A child raised in a harsh or dysfunctional environment becomes a survivalist. He or she can't be expected to know the rules of family life or to have every intellectual advantage.

The difficult history of these children means that we, as a caretaker, have to work harder to understand and address their unique deficits and make a conscious effort to help them learn the skills they need at home with a caring family. These children may exhibit manipulative or assertive behavior, but instead of faulting them for it, respect that it enabled them to survive and cope in profoundly difficult circumstances.

It can take time for adoptive parents to glimpse the full depth of the harm their child may have endured in his or her "former" life, and how it connects to the challenges he or she faces today.

Adopted and foster children can bring issues with them:
*abandonment, loss and grief issues
*attachment dysfunctions
*neurological alterations
*cognitive impairments
*coordination and motor skill problems
*sensory processing deficits
*fear
*anger
*flashbacks and post traumatic stress
*shame
*anxiety
*depression

Ironically, babies with the most obvious physical and mental impairments can fare better later in life because teachers and parents immediately recognize that something is wrong and make accommodations. When prenatal or postnatal damage is more subtle, the resulting impairments are harder to recognize, so adults are less likely to be compassionate and helpful about the challenges these children face. When your child appears physically perfect, it's easy to erroneously assume that his or her poor behavior is willful and intentional.

We must put aside our preconceived expectations about our child's behavior relative to his or her age. At-risk adopted children may appear to be a certain age physically, but inside they are playing catch-up -- emotionally, behaviorally, and developmentally. They are still healing from old wounds that are invisible to our eyes. Not only have these children lost out on months or years of healthy developmental growth, but now they also have to unlearn the unhealthy strategies they've become accustomed to using.

If we remain mindful of a child's unique history and how early growth was disrupted, we can even admire the strength that allowed this little child to survive adversity and have compassion for the ongoing struggles she faces. It's important to respect the neurological impairments and deep fear that drive disruptive and maladaptive behaviors.

By gaining a deeper understanding of what motivates your child, you'll be in a better position to support your child's healing.

For instance, when Maggie becomes easily angry, she may be trying to express that...
*she is terrified and trying to protect herself from a situation that resembles a terrible experience she had in the past.
*she is so frustrated because she doesn't know how to express her feelings and needs.
*she is exhausted and needs to rest.
*she is terrified of being abandoned again and is begging to not be left alone.
*feels that she must be in control because she's never known trustworthy adults before.

When she disobeys instructions...
*she doesn't understand all the sounds and words coming at her because she was deprived of sounds and language exposure when she was young and can't process them effectively yet.
*she wants to be in control because adults have always proven unreliable - she feels she can only depend on herself.

When she is acting like a bully or being agressive...
*she is treating others as she was treated.
*she is scared and/or sad.
*she is trying to numb her emotional pain by creating pain in the other person.

When she is restless or constantly fidgety...
*she must stay alert and prepared to defend herself at all times because in the past there was no adult to protect her.

Without having lived her life, it is hard for me to comprehend what she endured and what fears still remain. Behavior provides clues to her history - her pain, her fear, her needs. I have to be sensitive and responsive to the deepest needs of the child. This isn't easy. There are so many unknowns. You know that there are going to be problems, but you don't have a clue what you're dealing with. You consult with professionals and finally realize that this sweet little girl is just seeking and looking and still disconnected in so many places. There are so many dynamics there that until you learn them, you can't help. As a parent you do the best you can, but without knowledge and a willingness to do whatever you have to do to figure it out, you're dead in the water.

14 months later, we're still learning. Every day shows different challenges. But we know that the Lord brought Maggie to us, she is ours and despite what she endured in her first 1 1/2 years of life, God is protecting her, developing her, healing her with love & security. God is also giving us the grace, patience, love and understanding to be the best parents that we can be to Maggie. On those days when I feel like I can do nothing right, I'm thankful that God is in control & that He somehow still manages to use me in Maggie's life, despite my inability to parent well :)