19 days later....

I'm back and blogging. I am sure some of you have wondered where we have been...checking in and not finding any new entries...sorry for that! I hate it when I check in on other blogs and there hasn't been anything updated. :(

Life has been more than crazy the past few weeks! From dealing with the aftermath of Maggie's visit with her birth mother, being without power for 10 days due to Hurricane Ike, my grandfather having a stroke and being hospitalized for 6 days, to finishing up my maternity leave and returning to work. (more specific blog posts to come)

In the midst of all the chaos, we learned to love more deeply, to laugh when we wanted to cry, cried when we felt the pain more deeply than we thought possible, held on to our daughter and comforted her when we didn't know what else to do, found new ways to entertain a 20 month old (and ourselves for that matter) when we were without power for 10 days, and take each day as a blessing.

When you are in the middle of such times like these, you often forget that things could always be worse. So, we learn to be thankful. Thankful for the love. Thankful for the laughter and tears. Thankful for the loved ones God has given us. Thankful that the hurricane didn't do more damage than it did. Thankful for a boss that is flexible and understanding to our situation and accommodating to our needs. Thankful for family and friends who come along side us in prayer and encouragement, and most of all, thankful for our Lord and Savior, without whom we would not be who we are or where we are today.

Emotions.....

One hour to go...how much time do I allow. I don't want to be there too early but I definitely don't want to be there late. Dang...no traffic on I-45? 25 minutes early. Drive around town. Dont' want to get out of the car. Never know if I might run into birth mom somewhere and not know it. Find CPS office. Verify the address. Yep. CPS office. Are you kidding me? Run down old shopping center....bad part of town....driving in circles....hoping to not be seen....baby in the carseat looking so sweet and completely unaware of what is about to happen. I smile but I really want to cry. Drive around to the back alley. Wait for CPS caseworker to appear out of one of the unmarked doors. Door opens up. Caseworker walks out. Heart stops. I can't believe that I'm actually sitting in the back alley, getting ready to hand off my daughter to basically a stranger with some credentials...and that this is ok. Sweet Maggie. Not understanding what is going on. Why is Momma taking me out of the car and giving me to this lady? Maggie cries. I tell her that I will see her in just a little bit. First time we have been separated since she came home. I drive off. Thankfully, Sally is going to meet me at Hobby Lobby to help take my mind off of it. It does. We buy way too much scrapbook paper. Of course, all the while, thinking of all the different scrapbooks I need to do for Maggie. Keep watching my clock. 20 minutes left. Better check out. Don't want to be late. Drive back to that old back alley and wait...and wait...and wait. Seriously...could the last 5 minutes take any longer? Waiting for that dungeon door to open up and see my baby.

Door opens. Caseworker walks out with my sweet baby. Maggie looks exhausted. She's dressed in different clothes. Wonder why? Caseworker tells me that Birthmom wanted to change her immediately and check her out to make sure she isn't being abused by her foster parents. Want to scream but I smile and nod. Caseworker understands. Maggie so relieved to see me. Arms open wide...hands folding in and out...hold me Momma. Kisses exchanged. Baby buckled in. Caseworker tells me that Maggie wanted nothing to do with her BM. She screamed for 45 of the 60 minute visit. It was a good bad visit. No further visits are currently scheduled. Relief.

Get into car. Look back to say something but find that my sweet angel is already fast asleep. Thankful for an hour long drive back home. Cried my eyes out. Wonder how in the world can someone treat my baby, or any child, this way?

Drive up in the driveway. Squeals are heard. Smile on that sweet little one's face. Arms opened wide. Grip so tight around my neck, I can hardly breathe. I don't mind. Little one so traumatized that she won't let her Momma go from the moment we got home until 8 hours later...and even then didn't sleep through the night.

Emotions...they are difficult, wonderful, challenging, hard, sweet and full.

Risk...something you have to be willing to take, to be able to live and love at all.

Maggie ~ worth all the emotions...worth all of the risks!

Claiming this today

Romans 8:22-39, from The Message:

^{22 -25}All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

^{26 -28}Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

^{29 -30}God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

^{31 -39}So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

~ Amen!

Prayer

I just wanted to take a minute to ask for your prayers tomorrow. I will be taking Maggie up to the CPS office in Conroe at 1pm for her court-ordered visitation with her biological mother. We are unsure if the mom will even show up or pass her court-required drug test, but we have to assume the visit taking place. We are a bit anxious about this visit, for many reasons, and above all else, would appreciate your prayers for protection over Maggie. These visits are often very traumatic for the child, even when they don't know the parent (as she most likely won't remember her since it's been so long & hasn't spent much time around her at all). The visit will be for an hour and will be supervised by her CPS caseworker, her court appointed advocate and a police officer. So, I know on "paper" she will be protected, but as her Momma, the one who has been her protector the longest, I can't be there to protect her and make sure she's ok. But we can rest in the knowledge that God, our Father, will be there to watch over her and protect her.

There are so many different thoughts running through my mind, but I know that God understands and is present. It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling....I just have to keep reminding myself that it's just one hour...and when that hour is over, Maggie will come home to her Momma and Daddy who love her to the moon and back!

A day at the park...

It was an unusual thing to find this morning....cooler weather outside! So, I decided to take Maggie up to Meyer Park and play for a while.

This was our first time to the park, and possibly her first ever. She took it all in. The ducks. The geese. The doves and even those NASTY nutrias! We walked and walked and walked....guess she was more interested in checking everything out, rather than actually playing on the playgrounds. Eventually, she eased her way onto the sand, climbed up the stairs, and even took a few rides down the slides. We then moved over to the swings...and oh that girl loved that swing. I think she would've stayed in that swing all day, if we could. She'd lay her head back, close her eyes and seemed to just soak it all in.

At that moment, I was reminded that no matter how complicated life can be, or how many worries we carry with us...just like that, we can lay our heads back, close our eyes, raise our heads and eyes to the heavens and know that God is in control! It's amazing how much someone so little can teach so much!