2nd Training Session.....

Another early Saturday morning surrounded by 30 other people who are experiencing all the same emotions that we are! Saturday marked the 2nd of 3 mandated training sessions by the State of Texas as part of our adoption process.

When Michael & I first heard about PRIDE, we just thought it was something that had to be done, part of the process, push through it, get it over with, etc.....and while it's still true that it's part of the process, it's so much more than that. It has been eye-opening, heart-wrenching, thought-provoking and life-changing for us, as individuals, as a couple and now as future parents.

The entire session was on behavorial management. I had some friends ask if they could sit in on the session to gain some pointers ~ ha! It's really strange. Everything that we have ever thought about discipline, punishment, behavior, expectations has changed. The way that Michael & I grew up, the way that most of you have been brought up and/or chosen to raise your children is no longer really an option. We've had to really evaluate how we're going to parent and discipline our children. While most people just go with the flow, making decisions as they go, we don't have that option, when it comes to adopting children out of foster care.

The trust that a baby gains from being with their mommy and daddy from the moment of their birth is something that our children will not have. The love that a baby feels and receives is something that our children have most likely not experienced. Every important person in their life, and still important even if they were the abuser, has been taken from them. They have never been taught how to love, how to behave, how to receive love, how to gain trust, how to respect other people or things.

Whatever expectations I had for my children, as their mother, have now changed. I have to lower my expectations ~ not because the children aren't worthy of high expectations, but because they can't possibly fulfill them as they have no knowledge of what it is like to be "normal" child in a "normal" homelife, with 2 parents who love them, care for them, provide for them and keep them safe.

We talked a lot about having rules in the house and how we have to be very specific. If we had biological children of our own, it might be fairly simple to tell our child, one of our rules is that you show respect at all times...and there's a good chance that the child would understand and know what that means. However, a child who has been neglected, abused, or abandoned doesn't have a concept of respect. So it means breaking it down. The one rule of "show respect" will now have to be broken down into 10 rules, 25 rules or maybe even 50 rules...and that's just one rule.

One of our first discussions on Saturday was the difference between discipline and punishment. We had to write down how we were disciplined and/or punished as children and place the action under the category we felt it fit. For example - some people felt being spanked was punishment, while others thought of it as discipline. While I do not want to get into a huge debate about spanking here, I do want to say that in our situation, we have had to change our opinions of it. By law, the state of Texas forbids us to show any physical punishment or discipline towards a child while they are in our care. We have to sign an agreement stating that we will follow these standards and if we don't, we could lose custody of our children. Now some of you may think that this is very extreme. But please remember, these children have all suffered some sort of abuse. CPS only knows so much. They have told us to assume that physical abuse has occured with each child, so that we are prepared. Even a simple touch or gesture could be detrimental to a child, when first brought into our home.

During the discussion, each person had to share how they were disciplined as a child, how it made us feel, what were the results of it, would we do things differently, etc. I said that I had been spanked as a child, but it wasn't that often, as I always tried to be "good kid". Everyone laughed. I went on to say, that I was spanked and I turned out ok. Lidia quickly came in and said - yes, that's true Courtney but you want to know why? It's because while you were punished with spanking, your parents also gave you a balance of discipline. These children have never had balance. Have never had discipline. Only punishment.

As we were discussing topics in our small groups, we started talking about the fact that we didn't think that this would be as big of an issue for us in the group, as we were all looking to adopt children under the age of 3. Lidia overheard our conversation and asked the whole room to listen. She asked us how many of us thought it would be easier to manage younger children? We all raised our hands. She said that we were wrong and you want to know why? Because young children, especially under the age of 2 are unable to communicate. They cannot express their emotions, tell you what happened to them, express how it made them feel. They have no words. They are detached. They are isolated. They are alone. So even though the length of time of possible abuse is shorter the younger they are, doesn't mean that the results will be any different. This was a huge eye opener for us.

This post has gone on much longer than I thought and I'm sure that I've touched on so many topics, had a few rabbit trails and jumped all over the place....for that I apologize. I guess it gives you a glimpse of were our heads and hearts have been taken over the past 2 weeks.

As I said at the beginning of this post ~ this training has been eye-opening, heart-wrenching, thought-provoking and life-changing for us. It's been joyful and fearful, happy and sad, excited and scared....all at the same time. We hear the stories that Lidia shares and our hearts ache for our children, knowing that their little lives have already been so disrupted. We long to be able to bring them home, protect them, love them, nurture them and give them every opportunity in this world. We know that we can only do this with God's help and guidance along the way.

We know that the Lord is watching over our children tonight and that comforts us in ways unimaginable. It truly is amazing to love someone(s) so much and yet not even know them. Only God could put that love in our hearts. God is good....ALL the time. All the time....God is good!