I have been doing a lot of research and reading on adopting after infertility. I've gotten to the good part now - the discussion of adoption options. Open or closed? Domestic or international? Infant or older child? Would we accept a special needs child?This was the part I feared the most. Stating uneqiuvocally that, given the choice, I want a healthy baby and do not really want to consider a special needs child. And, given the choice, Michael and I would prefer to parent an Caucasian/Latin baby. (Even now, saying it out loud makes me feel horribly guilty - shouldn't I want ANY child right now?)
Anyway. I read this morning the following: "In fact, just in case no one else around you tells you this, let me make absolutely clear what I think about the push to get infertile never-before-parents to consider a special needs adoption. Despite the changes in adoption that make inracial adoption of a healthy baby more difficult than it was twenty years ago, it is still perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, perfectly acceptable to make the decision that the right way for you to begin parenting is with a healthy newborn baby matched racially to you. "Thank you for telling me this. Because I feel a LOT of pressure to say "whatever- I'll just take ANY child. I just want to be a parent."I feel sometimes that there's a tacit assumption that when you're infertile, you will do whatever it takes to be a parent. It's a take on the "beggars can't be choosers" line. And that idea that beggars can't be choosy is what made me uncomfortable with stating that Michael and I would prefer to start our family with a healthy baby of our own race. The race thing? I don't feel as strongly with that as I do about the healthy part. Michael is half Latin/half Irish but definitely looks Latin. We always thought it would be neat to adopt a child with a Latin racial background. I know that we don't care of whether or not the child looks like us, but the world is not as open-minded as I sometimes think it is. That said, I do believe that if we did consider adopting interracially, we would just have to work a little (ok, a lot) harder at educating both our child and people in our lives that physical resemblance has NOTHING to do with belonging and how much we love our child. Still though, it's a point to discuss, however. Because adoption is about the yesses, the nos, and the maybes. We HAVE to make these decisions thoughtfully. And I shouldn't feel bad about knowing how I feel about the kind of child we would really like to parent. Because adoption isn't about desperation, or panic, or taking anything we can get because we think we're not worthy to become parents just because we're infertile. It's about figuring out how we want to build our family. I think I've just had a breakthrough.
1 Had Something To Say:
Court ~ Don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel or nor feel ~ you feel how you feel, period! Don't feel guilty for being honest with yourself and your husband. This is the rest of your lives you are talking about!
I am sure that along the way you will get all sorts of advice and comments, but remember, your true friends will support you through anything and though we may not understand exactly what you're going through, we will respect your right to feel how you feel!
Love you my friend ~ Dina
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