A dear friend called me this weekend and in the midst of catching up on everything, she asked me a question that made me stop and think. "Court, is your life what you expected? Is this how you pictured it?"
Honestly, no. It's not. I had invisioned being married right after college, having my 4 children by the age of 30, and being a stay at home mom.
Well, that didn't happen....and every year that passed, I wondered, "Well, God, when are you going to give me the desires of my heart?" I prayed that one day it would come true but I just had to keep waiting.
I turned 30 and not only did I not have 4 children by then, but I was also still single. I just knew that I was doomed (ha!) However, 1 month before I turned 31, I met the love of my life. 10 months later we were married and due to our "age" & the fact that I already knew of my fertility issues, we started fertility treatments right away. Every month came and went and still no baby. Could I be happy without a child in my life? I just couldn't imagine it. I was born to be a mother. I just knew that there was no way that God was going to leave me motherless, with the desires that He had placed in my heart.
We kept trying and trying. Spending more money. Enduring great physical pain, financial strain and incredible emotional stress. One day I just gave up. I just couldn't do it anymore. Michael was more than ready for us to pursue other means to starting our family, but I wasn't ready to give up on that desire, that hope, that need to carry my own baby to term and deliver my flesh and bone. Michael prayed. I begged. He surrendered. I gave up.
Please don't misunderstand what I'm about to say...but since I don't think I have any male readers anyway, I'm pretty sure that you'll get what I'm talking about. There is something so innate about becoming a mother. I couldn't remember a time of not wanting to be a mom. It was just the way it was. It was all I wanted. I didn't want to be anything or anyone else. Just a mom. I couldn't wait to be pregnant. And while Michael was ready to move forward, I seriously needed to grieve. Oh, he grieved too. He wanted a child of his own, but he was ok with not having a natural child, before I was. It was much more difficult for me. It was a deep loss of a lifelong dream.
About a year after giving fertility treatments a break, I was ready to move on. We prayed about it and felt called to adopt through the foster care system. It was scary. It was tedious. It was emotionally draining. It was just as emotional as physically trying to have our own child, just without the physical pain. The road was not easy. We hit lots of bumps in the road but 18 months later, we were given the greatest blessing in the gift of our daughter, Maggie Joy.
Last year I celebrated my first Mother's Day and it was incredibly special. I was finally a mom.
This is my 2nd Mother's Day and I feel even more blessed to be called Maggie's Momma. I love her more today that I did yesterday, and I'm sure that I will love her even more tomorrow, than I do today.
So, when my friend asked me if this is what I expected and what I thought my life would look like ~ the answer is still no. And I'm certainly glad for it, as I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on this for the world.
2 Had Something To Say:
Courtney,
This is so incredibly touching and such a beautiful testimony of God's way being so much greater and bigger than ours. Your story is a faith builder for me and an encouragement too!! Thank you again for letting me share in your personal journey. Words can't express how much it blesses me. Love you!
Courtney,
God chose you for a much more important roll and that was to be Maggie's momma. Not everyone can or is willing to adopt such a special child as Maggie. People say how fortunate these children are to have people willing to adopt them, what they don't realize is we are the fortunate ones to have been given these children. I know your life may not have worked out the way you planned it, but God's plan was better, don't you think?
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