It's been emotionally hard....

Whew ~ things have been rough the past few weeks. Maggie has had some really tough evenings.  For the past 2 weeks, she has had some sort of tantrum every night....and most of the time, I couldn't tell you what significant thing triggered it, because in our minds, it wasn't significant.  You know what I mean? 

I answered my phone. Tantrum.
I turned off the tv in her play room when she was bathing. Tantrum.
Michael laughed at her (playfully). Tantrum.
Ketchup was put on her plate like it always is. Tantrum.
Moved my phone when she was apparently thinking of playing with it. Tantrum.
Put her in the tub with the water running, like always. Tantrum.

You can see why I say, none of these things seemed significant.

And when I say tantrum, this is what I mean: screaming blood murder. slapping herself and anyone else near her. throwing everything around her. spitting. hissing. anything to move around. will NOT sit/stay still.  Oh she's mad but more than that, her screaming is sheer terror. She's absolutely terrified. Those aren't screams of anger. They are fear. 

We had our worst one ever last week.  Never have we seen Maggie like this before.  It was the moment where I moved my phone when I was on the couch and she was on the other side of the room. She apparently saw me move it and she.lost.it!  I even offered it to her to play with but she wouldn't have anything to do with.  I knew that this wasn't going to be just a little tantrum.  We've learned to decipher what kind it will be and possibly how long it will take.  This was one of those that was going to require me to put her in a hold.  We've been trained to know what to do. To hold tightly without harming. It's truly a way to try and keep her calm and give her some safety and for us to be able to comfort her, rather than her soothing herself, much less hurt herself.

So, I scoop her up and cradle her like a baby.  She weighs about 30 pounds. Not big deal when she's relaxed but in this state, it felt more like 60 pounds.  I was holding her, trying to calm her down by talking to her softly, restraining her gently and I could hardly hold on to her. I didn't want to pass her on to Michael too quickly, because then it comes across as a manipulation...but after 30 minutes, I couldn't hold her any longer. I was absolutely drenched in sweat, my arms were shaking from holding her in that position for that long and I was losing it (not in an angry way, just emotionally).

I got up and handed her to Michael and he continued where I left off.  He immediately started to pray over her.  Her screaming became louder. She yelled at Michael to stop praying.  I had my hands over my sweet girl and I lost it. First it was just a few gentle tears, then a gushing and then heaving sobs. I didn't want to scare Maggie, so I left the room and just fell to pieces.

What in the world happened to our precious girl that causes her so much fear? How badly was she abused/neglected that this is all she knows how to do. It was the most gut wrenching moment of my parenting to date. I finally regained my composure and joined them on the couch. Maggie still in the same state. Michael still praying. We felt a very strong presence in our house that night.  We begged the Lord to protect her, to make her feel safe, for the devil to flee. We truly felt under attack.  At one point, Maggie looked at Michael and said in a very deep voice: "Stop praying, Daddy. NOW!" She then said in a gentle voice, "Momma, you can pray for me"  And I did. I prayed prayed prayed.  She began to calm down.  She then asked me to hold her.  And I did.

I picked her up and she grabbed my neck and said, "I love you Momma. Thank you for praying for me."  Whew. Even now, writing this, tears fill my eyes and I am so thankful that our Heavenly Father is protecting us, watching over us, and giving us safe haven each and every day.

It's rough. It's frustrating. It's sad. It's hard.  It's more than I can handle at times. And I am a "fixer" and I can't fix her.  BUT GOD....in His infinite wisdom called us to be this precious child's parents and He is giving us what we need, when we need it...even if we feel like we don't know what to do. There are so many times when I think I don't know what God was doing calling us to do this, but when my sweet girl tells me she loves me and thanks me for praying, I figure I must be doing something right! 

So, we press on, love more, pray deeper and take each day as it comes.  Some days are better than others and we're even more grateful for those days. But on the hard days, we experience so much more love, protection and hope for our daughter than we ever thought possible.