Living and Loving

I've been thinking about this blog post for about a month now but honestly haven't had the physical energy to sit down and write it out, or the emotional stamina to put it into words. Life has been.....difficult. (Side note...I actually started writing this a month ago, so now it's 2 months in the making...today is April 19th)

Things have really changed with Maggie over the past 2 months.  I shared with some of you the struggles that we have had with Maggie as of late.  What we hoped was just another "cycle" that would soon pass, has turned into a life-changing event that we will be dealing with for a long time.

From what we can determine, things really started going downhill when Maggie turned 4 at the end of January, when we decided to take away her bottle.  We had tried 3 other times, unsuccessfully, but felt, for many reasons, that the time was now.  We created a big fun chart to countdown to NO MORE BABAS - putting a sticker over the day and once the chart was full, we would get rid of the baba. Maggie was actually on board with it (in theory) and loved putting the stickers on each day and kept telling us "when I turn 4, no more babas...I'm a big girl" and we made it out to be something fun and exciting.  We knew that it would be difficult to break the habit and she did struggle with the loss of the baba for about a week. We tried to replace it with other things - anything - but it wasn't going to happen. Then one day, she eventually "got it" and never asked for it again.

We knew that Maggie's issue with needing the bottle was much deeper than just needing something to drink before bed. It was her security blanket of sorts. There was something about the sucking (because she could suck on that thing for hours, if you'd let her...it wasn't about what was in the bottle or even how much).  Again, we prayed about it and felt it was the right time, knowing that it would be hard.

The next month proved to be incredibly hard.  There were lots of meltdowns, outbursts, behaviorial issues, major listening (or lack thereof) issues, disobedience, and defiance at home....and then it started happening at school.

It's one thing when these things happen in private but another when it's happening in public for all to see.  We were getting updates every day from her teachers about her behavior and that she was needing to be in time out at least once per day.  Maggie has always been extremely high-spirited, active, hyper, busy, one to never sit still. But things just seemed to be on hydro-speed.  She started having night terrors again and therefore wasn't getting good rest, which affected her start to the day, as well as leading to not taking a nap at school, so by the time I picked her up at 5 every night, she was an absolute mess.

After about a month of struggling with what to do, the following happening:

I took Maggie in to school late onemorning (8am versus 6:30). She was up late the night before because of speech therapy, so I wanted to give her a little extra sleep. She was fine until we got to school. She refused to let me leave. I sat with her a while, hoping that would help - it didn't. After 30 minutes, I finally left to her screaming bloody murder...kicking and hitting, slamming her head in the door. I could hear her all the way down around the other side of the building. I came back and sat outside her door, hoping she'd calm down. She never did. The director came to see what was going on and she went in there and apparently calmed her down. They told me to go ahead and leave. I was about to just take her home- but didn't want to start that because I didn't want her to think that everytime she acted up, she could go home. I called the principle later that day and she told me that she finally settled down but was still not happy. Rachel expressed her concern over Maggie's aggression and said that we really needed to discuss it -it was not only affecting her, but also the teachers and the other kids in the class. Maggie's become extremely disruptive, not listening at all and Rachel didn't see how it will be possible for her to move up to the 4 yr old class in the fall (at this point). So, I explained we were going to get her evaluated on Monday by a psychotherapist/behavorial therapist who specializes in foster care/traumatized kiddos.  Rachel was happy to hear that. I just didn't know what to do.Should we pull her out and find some other place - we were hopeful that this would be a good fit for her, due to small classes, etc...but apparently she's becoming too much for them to care for. They recommended one-on-one teaching for her.  Michael & I were just beside ourselves.

Move forward -- meet with the psychotherapist named Beth. She's been doing this for 30 years and we know quite a few families who have gone to her and they all say that she has literally saved their lives. So, with that, we were hopeful.  My prayer that morning was that Maggie would NOT be on her best behavior...you know what I mean....like when you go to the mechanic and they can't find anything wrong with your car, only to have it break down the next day.  Well, the Lord answered my prayers....oh did He!  Within 10 minutes of being in her office, Maggie had her first of 4 meltdowns...and they were DOOZIES.  While I was embarassed, saddened, exhausted, frustrated, etc...I was relieved. Beth could see first hand what we were dealing with as parents and would be able to get a true picture of all that is going on with Maggie.

After 4 hours of observation and evaluation, Maggie was diagnosed with the following disorders:
1. Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
2. OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder)
3. ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder)
4. SID (Sensory Integration Disorder)
5. RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)

Ok....let's all breathe.....breathe....breathe.....

We knew about the SID already, as her previous therapist had diagnosed her with this but we hadn't been able to find anyone who could help her.  We had her evaluated for Occupational Therapy (OT) and she was denied because she passed the tests with "flying colors" - showing that she tested at a 6 yr old level. This particular place would not accept her on sensory issues alone, which is all she struggles with on the OT side of things.  So, we weren't surprised with that diagnosis.  We also knew about her OCD issues.  We suspected the RAD and ODD diagnosis and were prepared to hear that, but we had no inkling of the cPTSD issue.  Honestly, we really only thought that happened with war veterans, but the more we read up on it and understand it, it makes perfect sense.

Complex PTSD is the presence of prolonged, repeated trauma...which is what the majority of kids in foster care have experienced. Children exposed to complex trauma (chronic maltreatment, abuse, neglect, etc) often have impairment in several areas of their lives, such as attachment, biology, emotional regulation,  behavorial control, and cognition...just to name a few.  So the way I read this is that c-PTSD has the potential of explaining the alphabet soup of labels many of our kids get.

It's all been just a bit overwhelming....um...that would be the understatement of the year. It's been completely overwhelming.  It's exhausting, frustrating, and breaks this momma (and her daddy's) heart.  We are taking things day by day, and sometimes hour by hour....and trusting and believing that the God who saved Maggie and blessed us with her as our daughter, is NOT finished with her yet.

Now that we know this....what in the world do we do?!  More to come....